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ASPartOfMe
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30 May 2023, 8:53 am

Masking my autism has had a huge personal toll. Now, I'm taking the mask off by Megan Oliver for Australian Broadcasting Network

Quote:
Developing your own mask over time
As a child I was made fun of constantly and found it almost impossible to make friends. I was too focused on excelling in school and absorbed in my own special interests. People would make jokes about me to my face, and I didn't understand they were bullying me.

After years of rejection and exclusion I began to learn how to blend in by observing those around me.

I would even practice making eye contact with myself, all so I could look the same as everyone else did and be normal.

No matter how hard I tried to hide who I was, people could still sense something was different about me. It was as though everyone had a secret handbook about how to socialise and make friends, and I never got my copy.

In high school I was so desperate to fit in that I would change my personality completely, depending on who I was talking to. I realised I had no idea who I really was and had no sense of self. And I was deeply depressed because, despite the intense energy I used to mask, I was still getting excluded by the people I considered my friends.

"We never actually liked you, we just didn't know how to get rid of you."

These words still hurt me, even now.

I knew masking was having a detrimental impact on my health when I reached adulthood. It became a yearly cycle of masking so intensely at work and school that I would end up in hospital and would need considerable time off to recover.

Breaking the cycle and unmasking yourself
In order to break that cycle I had to do something I was terrified of — beginning to unmask.

It's not something that happens naturally. A mask is formed by the trauma of continuously being rejected and bullied, and taking that off goes against every survival instinct you learn as an autistic person

And, unfortunately, it might not be safe for you to unmask depending on your race, your job, other disabilities or your family.

Everyone's situation is different, and it's important to remember that it is much easier for some people to unmask than others.

The difficult thing is you will likely lose some friendships. These were formed when you weren't being your authentic self, and not everyone will connect with the real you. But friendships aren't worthwhile if you can't be yourself.

Letting go of these friendships, while challenging, will make way for more authentic ones. That's why it is important to have a support network of friends and family that you can fall back on and feel comfortable being yourself around.

It will also take time to work out who you are. If you've spent years hiding your personality, you may have lost touch with what it really means to be "you".

Journaling your thoughts and writing down what you like about yourself or who you want to be can help you reconnect with yourself.

'Coming out' as autistic
I never wanted people to know I was autistic, because I didn't want to face discrimination or have people make assumptions about me. But trying to hide my autism so fiercely nearly cost me my life.

Accepting help and accommodations is another difficult but crucial aspect of unmasking.

Talking to your work or school about what would make things more manageable for you isn't selfish. It means you can produce sustainable and even better results than before, which benefits everyone.

It can be incredibly daunting to "come out" as autistic. There will more than likely be people who don't believe you, because they've only seen the masked, "normal" version of you.

Being you — in as many aspects of your life as you can — is both terrifying and unbelievably freeing.

Unmasking isn't something that can happen overnight – it's a continuous process filled with challenges. But it's completely worth it. :(

Underlining and italics=mine
This is one of the better articles on unmasking that I have read. Megan lays out the difficulties and cost of unmasking while given a bit advice to help along the process.


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DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity

“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman


Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 30 May 2023, 9:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Joe90
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30 May 2023, 9:17 am

Everyone masks to an extent and I don't think I mask enough to make me depressed or anxious. If I'm already feeling depressed then that's when I do mask, like putting on a happy face when around other people. But sometimes masking like that actually tricks my mind into being happy, for example if I came to work feeling depressed about things and I put on a happy front to my coworkers, I'd most likely go home feeling happier than I did earlier, with a clearer mind and feeling more optimistic.


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CockneyRebel
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31 May 2023, 10:03 am

I masked for 35 years of my life. I was keeping things hidden from people and even from my own parents. I was hiding my emotions. I was hiding my gender identity and I was hiding a love for Germany that was almost as strong as my love for Canada. I've had 4 breakdowns between the May of 1998 and the January of 2016 pushing all that stuff down. I haven't had a breakdown since the January of 2016.


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GreenVelvetWorm
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31 May 2023, 8:30 pm

When I was younger (and still a bit to this day) I developed a habit of constantly filtering everything I did or experienced through the eyes of a theoretical "observer" in my head. I would try to picture what someone else would think of what I'm doing, or what my home is like, etc. It could get very specific- sometimes I'd pick up a book I had been reading, pretend I was a stranger and open to a random page, and think "what might a stranger think of me for reading this book, judging by this one page?"

Obviously I couldn't account for different people's opinions, so I would just assume that this hypothetical observer was very judgemental, just to be on the safe side. In this way, I would censor myself even when I was alone, so that I would never be too weird or awkward.

As you can guess, this made me miserable. I never felt comfortable or free, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I struggled with anxiety for a long time.



AprilR
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01 Jun 2023, 10:44 am

^I do this a lot. I take on a "persona" and act and say things i imagine this person might say. To seem normal, bc i am scared of what people say or do otherwise.

When i was a child and read books all the time, there was a narrator in my head narrating what i am doing at the moment also.