Selective Mutism

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Is/was anyone else on here a selective mute?

I was selectively mute from age 3 until I was 10 and I wasn't diagnosed with autism until I was 27. Being mute as a child has affected my entire life, even now. I'm 32 years old and when I'm in a difficult situation (like being yelled at by a customer at a previous job), I "shut down" and have even more trouble finding the words I need to say (although I struggle with that on a daily basis).

In fourth grade, the goal was for me to read a book I wrote in front of a classroom of first graders at the end of the year (every fourth grader wrote and illustrated a book and read it in front of a class). I started out the year not talking for the seventh year and at the end of that year, I did read that book in front of my sister's class. I still have the book as a reminder of how much I've already accomplished in my life.

I experience that as well, didn’t know it had a name!
I am ‚shutting down‘ and no longer talking (and no longer really processing what I hear either) when people get emotional as result of something I did wrong, as I don’t know what else to do than apologize (and that apparently is not enough, sometimes). Needless to say, it costs me a lot in terms of getting along with people and lowers my credibility as well when it happens within a larger audience... it would be great to be able to get oneself ready for such scenarios.

Selective mutism is more when someone can't speak in certain environments. Growing up I only spoke to my parents and siblings. I did not speak to friends (until I was comfortable enough to), grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, anyone at school, etc. I was by all accounts mute until I got home when I felt like I could actually speak again.

I can't remember speaking a single word in kindergarten (3-5 yrs old).

When I was a young child, I did not talk at all. I'd hide behind my dad if were were ever in crowds. Even with my family, I'd isolate myself. Not with my immediate family, but whenever people would visit, I'd hide under the table and listen in, and want to observe, but never partake. I'd sometimes appear, and then the scary adult would ask me a question and I'd start freaking out and look for an escape, and then I'd get scolded for being rude. How many times have you been told, as a child, "Don't be rude! Mr. So-and-so just asked you a question!" And meanwhile, you suspect Mr. So-and-so to be the neighborhood pedophile who eats his victims after he's done with them because he has a creepy mustache like the guy on the news!
I was eventually institutionalized as a teenager, and I got to spend time around like-minded individuals who I felt comfortable enough expressing myself to, and that helped me break out of my shell, a bit. Also, getting a job as a waitress helped. I've had about 7 years experience, so far, and I still accidentally don't register certain things that people say, and I bet I come off as super rude. And yes, I've been scolded for not making proper eye-contact, but still, a job where you're forced to talk to others can help this issue, I've come to conclude.

I started out with nonverbal autism. After a lot of speech therapy I can talk some. But selective mutism keeps me from being able to most of the time.

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=244281

This topic can also be found here.

Here are several people who face this problems.
There was another thread regarding this just a month ago
viewtopic.php?t=373467

Is it possible to develop this as an adult?

My mutism was always present but it has been much more pronounced in the past twenty years. It could be exacerbated by my C-PTSD, by my stroke, by burnout, or perhaps I'm just more accepting and aware of it now. I believe a behaviour can begin at any age because of emotional or sensory reasons.

I wasn't shy about speaking as a child and would talk and talk and talk and talk. But in my early 30's, people have started commenting that I only speak when spoken too. I also have trouble getting my words out. It's like the language part of my brain shuts down. I had a few traumatic things happen to me in my late 20's and early 30's but no one would believe me about how badly they affected me or that they even happened at all.

Selective mutism is a huge waste, economically speaking. Studies suggest children (and adults) with SM are much more intelligent and creative than their peers. I guess the old Chinese proverb applies here:

He who speaks, does not know - and he who knows, does not speak.

I believe I have selective mutism. It sucks dingo's kidneys. Almost everyone who's met me in person refuses to believe it because I can speak just fine some of the time, so they insist that I just don't want to speak or am not trying hard enough. For me, it feels sort of like my vocal cords tense up to the point that I can't move them no matter how hard I try. It greatly reduces the number of jobs I can perform, because so many require more social interaction on a daily basis than I can handle without becoming unable to speak.

As I stated in the parallel thread before it's mostly kind of a anxiety disorder. Once you focus on fears and environment you stop focussing on the things you want to talk about and on the way that you need to talk to your opposite.


I'm afraid this all doesn't help with the problem which is more or less to stop being relaxed and to totally focus on things that are you afraid of. Uncontrollable anxieties or emotions are the problem and not being much to intelligent to speak.

Our own uncontrollable anxieties are one of the biggest problem that we can face. It's totally hard to get over this. Once as a child I had a reoccurring nightmare. Again and again. Until this one night where I realized in my dream that just to feel any fears was my real problem and not my enemies. It was the thing that caused me to fail gave my enemy the power to control me and hunt me. I stopped myself to feel any fear and the nightmare disappeared.

You can't as easily control your fears once they have started to controlling you. But you may be able to suppress them once they start. Take an outtime immediately regardless of the things that happen around you and focus on yourself only until you are OK again. It won't kill you nor your opposite.

Even without talking you can show your opposite that you need an outtime by showing an open hand towards him with spread off fingers and turn aside for focussing on yourself. If you are still able to talk you should say something like "Moment - I just have to focus a bit!". It always helps to reduce anxieties once you have a strategy to deal with the situation before! Wish all of you to get over this sh*t!

Sometimes we need to overcome our fears to get a life that is worth to be lived.

I do think I had/have this to a degree. As a young child, I pretty much refused to speak to anyone other than my close family members, unless they asked me a question that required more than nodding/shaking my head. There were a select few people who really gained my trust who I would talk to once I felt comfortable. When I was about 3 or 4, a woman who ended up becoming a pretty close family friend moved in a few doors down from us. She still talks about how for the longest time, I'd go over to her house and sit next to her in her swing, but I wouldn't talk at all. But then one day, I suddenly opened up and started talking to her! In my early school days, I'd pretty much barely say anything all day. Again, unless my teacher asked me a question that I had to answer. And I did always seem to be able to make one or two friends in my class who I felt pretty comfortable talking to. I remember my shyness/selective mutism becoming more problematic once I started kindergarten. The expectations were higher than in preschool. I'd often not understand what we were supposed to do on assignments (because obviously, I couldn't read very well at that point and I've always been terrible at remembering and following verbal instructions). But when I didn't know what to do, I was too afraid to ask my teacher. So I would just panic inside, and just sit there and try to figure it out on my own. I refused to actually ask for help. Obviously, this made my teacher think that I was daydreaming and not focusing. I just remember wondering why everything was so easy and smooth in preschool, but suddenly in kindergarten, I couldn't seem to do anything right and my teacher seemed to be fussing at me a lot.

As I got older, I did start talking more, but I still definitely have always had certain people that I felt more comfortable talking to. Even as an adult, I can still shut down in stressful situations, and am hardly able to speak. This was one of the reasons that despite going into teaching and getting my degree (though I barely passed student teaching), I completely abandoned it all, because just it was way too stressful, and I realized that no matter how much I tried, I was never going to be comfortable being up in front of a class full of kids (especially when other adults were around). As embarrassing as this is, there were times where I'd be walking with the students in the hallway, and if other teachers were present, sometimes I'd just freeze up and be unable to speak. Meaning that if I needed to talk to the kids, or tell them to quiet down because they were being too loud in the hallway, I literally couldn't.

I've also worked with the public. I currently work two jobs (one in a restaurant, and one at a grocery store) since I quit my teaching aide job and still need to be working full-time hours. For the most part, I do okay. Most customers are nice enough and I can mostly follow a script (just asking how they're doing, telling them to have a nice day, etc. I also am pretty passionate about food and am very knowledgeable about the menu at the restaurant, so I'm actually pretty good at explaining the menu to customers, answering their questions, and helping them decide what to order). But when I have the occasional difficult customer, I can definitely go mute. The grocery store I work at also has a rule that you're supposed to greet every customer that walks within ten feet of you, and sometimes that's hard. Sometimes I have no trouble just saying "hi, how are you", but other times, it's the most difficult thing. I guess sometimes it's me just not wanting to talk, and sometimes it's because the customer looks like they're looking for something and I'm afraid if I start talking to them, they'll ask me where something is in the store - and since I'm only a cashier and I don't stock the store, I'm not very knowledgeable about where certain things are and I don't want to have to tell them I don't know, or go find another employee and ask them. There are also certain co-workers and managers that I feel comfortable talking to, and others that I will avoid speaking to. If I need help lifting something heavy or pulling something off of a high shelf that I can't reach, I have so much trouble asking certain people for help.

As you have insight from the first-hand expirience - how can I help my 7yo daughter who seems to struggle with that?
If I have time, I can hug her and sometimes she is able to draw what she means but what to do when we are in a hurry and she just stands there without a sound or move when she has to e.g. put her shoes on?
I suppose her father's yelling makes it only worse but it's not about what not to do, it's about what to do.