Am I doomed?

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I talked about connection, not if you have the same interests or are compatible.

Of course, you shouldn't obsess about a girl that is not interested in you. You shouldn't connect to girls that are not interested either, or that you cannot get along with.

The problem I talked about is that if you just use shallow dating and meet somebody a few times, that's not sufficient for making a connection. It won't help if you do it hundreds or 1000s of times either, as you still won't form a real connection. So dating actually doesn't work for creating connections since there is too little time together when you do dating. It only works for NTs because they start having sex after a few dates, which is what creates their connection. That way of making a connection doesn't work for many NDs.

I told my mom that I would most likely be alone for the rest of my life and that I'll probably die alone and that some people are just meant to be alone. She tried to be encouraging despite the fact when she talks to people in her age range constantly says how she's "lucky that she's not a young person in this day and age" which to me justifies my likelihood of being alone since it's mostly a negative statement when she says that. I've already accepted it though, I'm not meant to have people in my life or else every single human encounter I had up to this point wouldn't end so negatively.

Refer to Grand Inquisitor's post...

Probability increases that you will meet the "one" if you talk to more girls...

So first, the context in which you were referring to "connecting" with someone wasn't clear. That could just mean that you're getting to know them, in which case it's not clear that they're interested in you romantically, hence my comment.

As it relates to "dating doesn't work", sure, sometimes it doesn't, but if you're to discover whether or not a love interest is compatible with you, you must spend some time together. If not dating, what would you suggest?

And moreover, in the age of the internet, people can go on dates in real life but that doesn't mean they can't strengthen their connection online

This makes me cry though I have learned to appreciate being single but it sometimes hurts

When I was in my teens and 20's, I felt the same way when it came to dating. Though I was introduced to a few blind dates and have co-workers try to set me up with someone years ago, I was upset that the right guy never came and asked me out that I liked. All the while, I had a couple of ex-frenemies who were not very pretty inside and out have an easier time than I did. Did I ever envy them too. Especially, when one of them met her husband, while I was rejected by another man on the spectrum who I liked.

At 21, I had a rough time during a visit up to my parent's house after I moved out of state to another city with my aunt. My parents were pickier and seemed to put their foot down with me dating these two boys that I liked. So, they expressed their concerns with my teachers. Meanwhile, they didn't approve of my sister's boyfriends but let her date them. Anyway, while she dated her second boyfriend, I envied her. This one time that I visited, she brought him over and pulled the sibling rivalry thing by snuggling all over him and rubbing it in my face. As a result, I blew up at her and my mom by calling then names and trying to physically attack my mom.

I would equally apply the same advice I've been giving the guys here. The worst thing to do is to compare yourself with other people. Just focus on yourself.

You also should learn to communicate with your mom about why you are frustrated, at the age of 37 she should not be interfering in your personal decisions but are there reasons she and your sister object to your choices?

I associated with these ex-frenemies at different times in my life. The first was mainly in childhood and off on in my teens. The other was when I was in my mid to late '20s.

As for my mom, I have not seen her in over 15 years and have not been on speaking terms with her for 10 years. It was both parents who were more protective of me in my teens so they were picky. When I had that fit, I was already 21 and had moved in with my aunt in another state, while my first sister was 15. My mom taught her it that it was okay to compete with me and provoke me to envy. Now several days before I blew up at her and my sister, I did confront her about not getting the same opportunities and she didn't get it.

I can relate as I used to never be confident in my own choices and had a bad habit of conferring with close family. I blossomed as a young adult when I was in my 30s I became more independent and stopped comparing myself with other dudes and stopped conferring with family on every little step I took.

There is too much focus on if somebody is interested romantically or not. At least for many NDs, romantic interest is not set in stone and can change. For instance, quite a few NDs claim that they can get interested romantically in somebody that shows a lot of persistence. So, I think it is generally a bad idea to ask about romantic interest (just as it is a bad idea to ask for a date) because many NDs don't have fixed answers to that and needs to know a lot about you before they can make a decision about it. By asking "too fast" you will simply blow your chances because many think better safe than sorry, and so you will get a "no".

In fact, the optimal way to find out about potential interest is not to ask about it or ask for a date, but to use the eye contact game. It's also an excellent way to filter out incompatible people as NTs will not do it in a way that feels natural for an ND.



It's enough to be close to each other regularly.



IMHO, the Internet can certainly be nice as a complement for people that already know each other IRL, but it's not that useful for creating new romantic connections.

Nope. Time is a limited resource, and if you prioritize quantity then quality will suffer. Meaning that if you want to talk to more girls, your connections to girls will be more shallow, and you will not be able to put in enough persistence into any single girl to make a real lasting connection. You'll end up like people that have 1000s of Facebook friends, many of whom they know nothing about and put no effort into.

How, then, do you recommend spending enough time with a potential partner to make a connection? You've ruled out conventional dating and you've ruled out (for yourself, at least, in earlier posts) the idea of a romantic relationship that grows out of a friendship. So, given neither neither dating nor friendship, what provides the opportunity to spend enough time with each other to make a romantic connection?

I happen to agree with you about dating, by the way. I've always avoided the conventional dating ritual. But the kind of romantic relationship I've always desired is one that I see as an advanced form of friendship, and that can grow out of a friendship.

Agreed. However....


There are plenty of autistic people for whom no version of an "eye contact game" feels natural at all. My boyfriend finds eye contact to be physically painful, and I've seen plenty of blogs by autistic people who have said the same.

I think I will leave that up to people themselves to figure out. I wrote in another post that "you only need to be close", which is a hint. IOW, you don't need to go to the extremes of asking for a date or getting into a friendship. You can hang out without being friends. It's up to people to decide what might work. A couple of possibilities are group activities, dances, friend-of-friends gatherings or similar. It's even possible to meet regularly at public places without asking for a date, having shared friends or participating in shared group activities.

To avoid derailing this thread, I've posted some comments in a separate new thread here.

Problem is, many autistic people find group activities -- especially informal, unstructured social gatherings -- to be extremely stressful. I recall quite a few people here on Wrong Planet saying that they would prefer to have a few close friends than to spend time hanging out with a lot of casual acquaintances.

There might be other, more specific (and perhaps even fixable) reasons why "every single human encounter" you've had has ended so negatively.

Have any of these people ever voiced any specific complaints about your behavior? And, if so, are there any common themes? Or did they all just decide to shun you without saying what their problem was?

Also, have you ever sought specifically to make friends with other autistic people? If that too ended negatively, what happened?