Feeling lost

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This is long, sorry.
It seems the older I get, the less direction I have in life.
I'm only 21.
I've had depression and anxiety since I was 10, and was committed to inpatient treatment at age 15 for suicidal ideation. I was only there for a few months.
I learnt pretty much nothing during secondary school due to my mental health issues. I never went back to school after hospital, but I studied a bit for exams, and was given a separate room during them. I came out with 5 GCSE's.
Then I tried to do my A-levels, after a month it was too much and I wasn't going in, so I left the course.
I made friends along the way, in the psych unit and in the month I was in sixth form. I'd never had friends before. I also made enemies. I had a bizarre way of thinking, obsessed with an idea I called 'cycles', which I formed during an acid trip. People made fun of me. I'd go to parties and get as drunk and high as I could, it was about a 50/50 split between people thinking I was endearing and people thinking I was a psychopath or something. Either way, it was the best time of my life. I feel like I deeply connected to people in a way I hadn't previously. I fell in and out of love.
During that year I tried desperately to get a job. I always failed the interview.
I tried A-levels again, at a college this time. I made no friends there. My attendance in the first year was only 16%, but I got an A in Maths and a B in futher maths, so they let me sit my second year without going to school. I got grades A and C in the end. Failed the third subject. During this time I became a recluse, for the entire 2 years. My friends faded away and I pretty much only left the house for my exams.
I stumbled upon autism, and became obsessed. It fit me completely. I've always had sensory sensitivities that make it impossible to function in any setting that is more than one-on-one. Hence the need to get blackout drunk before parties, and the inability to focus or function in a classroom setting. The severe anxiety that has been constant throughout my life. I realized I was failing the job interviews due to my social skills. I looked back on my time in the psych unit, how I was constantly being told off for saying things that were 'inappropriate'. How I developed my anxiety as a coping mechanism for dealing with the fact that when I don't have it, I come across as extremely annoying and off-putting. How I'd never made friends in primary or secondary, only after.
I decided to put all my focus into becoming social. At this point I was a mess. It took all my courage to go to the GP. He brushed off the autism, but gave me antidepressants. They helped a bit, for a while. I decided I wanted to be a carpenter. I got unemployment benefits, and I started volunteering 1 day a week at a farm, doing mainly construction. I liked it there, being in nature. But still, I couldn't focus, I couldn't make friends. I reverted back to my pattern from primary school of only talking to the teaching assistant, in this case it was the person in charge of the volunteers. I didn't do much else that year. Completely out of the blue I had a psychotic episode, it happened pretty much overnight. My main delusion was that I was actually a psychopath. I couldn't eat or bathe because I thought everything was toxic. I thought I had poisoned the world. I was referred to a mental health team that specializes with dealing with psychosis. I was put on an antipsychotic, but a side effect was restless legs; I literally couldn't sit down without feeling extremely agitated. I had to spend all my time pacing back and forth. The delusions faded, and I demanded to be taken off the drugs, so I was taken off them.
My care coordinator and the psychiatrist both said they are sure I'm autistic from the way I act. I thought it would feel bad to hear it, but I am glad. They have referred me to get a diagnosis, and my care coordinator keeps calling on my behalf to push me up the waiting list.
Right after the psychotic episode I was given disability benefits, which means more money and less struggle. But that was about a year ago, and I'm being reassessed. During that year I've done nothing. I don't know what I want for my life, but I can feel that I'm wasting it. I can feel that I have potential.
There's so many things I have never been able to do - Use public transport, get a job. I haven't done anything full time for almost 6 years.
I want to go back in time, I don't know to when. I desperately want friends, specifically deep/close friendships. I've never had a surface level friend, I just don't care for it. But all the friendships I've ever had like that were when I was on drugs, and we were all young. I feel like everyone else is getting older, and less 'messed up'. But I'm staying the same.
I want a direction in life. I have many goals - write a book, get a good quality maths degree, contribute something important to the world, help people, make art. It's like I have too many goals, but no skills, and way too much anxiety to function. Some days I'm too overwhelmed to get dressed.
As a kid I was provided with some sort of structure. I thought primary school was hard when I was going through it. I didn't have friends, I was still overwhelmed, I was bullied. But I had the same teacher for every lesson, and the same class of people, and my parents told me when to get dressed and stuff.
As soon as I switched to secondary school it's like I broke, but no one noticed until I was totally broken. Now I have no structure or routine, no friends, no nothing. I can't cope with anything.
I don't want to waste my life, but I'm scared that's what I'm going to do.
Did anyone bother to read this? Can anyone help, even a little?

In some ways, I'm in the same sort of situation. Life is all about the second law of thermodynamics - we have to fight to maintain order, stability and occasionally, in the process of doing so, will obtain some shreds of what might be called happiness. Get self knowledge, get knowledge of the external world, continue your education - either formally or informally, establish a good routine, work on improving your mind and your body. Other than these things, I'm not sure there's anything you can do.

Thanks. I'm working on a routine - each day I have a bath, brush my teeth, get dressed and go for a 30 minute walk. It's making me feel a little better.
I have an idea to self study A-levels again, at my own pace, then sit them at an exam center and get into a good uni to study maths. I really like maths.
What I feel I'm missing most of all is deep connections with other people. Maybe I would make friends at uni, but I can't say with certainty, and I have no idea if I'd cope with the stress either. These uncertainties make me feel crazy.

I'm 24, and I've had my fair share of struggling with depression and suicidal idealisation.

But I've just recently realised that if you really want to change your life for the better, you have to learn how to value yourself.

I used to fight and argue with my family all the time over them not accepting my Aspergers/Autism. But at the end of the day, I just simply realised that it's better to forget even trying to convince them because no matter what I did, they wouldn't understand or see it.

Nowadays, I don't give a damn if someone doesn't like me for being me. I give a damn about how I think of myself. Similarly, you need to have the same attitude and confidence.

If you want, feel free to message me and we can talk about all kinds of stuff.

If you feel you have the mathematical ability already, you could fast-track a place into the Open University. Even if not, it might be a good idea to speak to one of their advisers. A bricks and mortar university is of course preferable, at least from the social standpoint, but the former may be the best option at your age.

I sympathize with you, because I too always wanted to study mathematics, though I ended up doing physics. In secondary school, I was the best mathematician in the year and was on course to do math at Cambridge. Other things get in the way and, largely because of the weight of my stress and anxiety, I find that my mathematical ability has since evaporated.

Universities, when all is said and done, are enormously disappointing places. One goes there, fresh out of secondary school, expecting them to be Meccas of learning and knowledge - one finds, instead, stale, complacent old professors and boring, subnormal social science undergraduates only interested in parroting the tired old deconstructionist nonsense they've been sold by their professors. The few sensible, intelligent people you'll meet are too busy to want to bother with you, or anyone else. Don't expect to find companionship at university - especially of the intellectual kind.

As regards the stress, the first year is always a breeze, which makes the blow of the second year so much crueller. At the moment, I'm putting in an average of six hours of work a day, including Saturdays and Sundays - sometimes eight or nine on weekdays.

i read it. then i reread and rechecked it. related by a lot. i have different situation, and i had different dynamics, but i had felt same way for many years. nobody in my direct proximity would give me positive affirmation. i found salvation in the net. all good things in my life come from WWW. chats and forums place us on more equal ground with NTs, taking away most of our handycaps. online games allow socialization, without facing impossible odds at moving around and getting meltdowns because of physical stimuli we cant handle. i can decrease sound, decrease brightness, chose colors i see. and do something with other ppl, using avatars rather than my own disfunctional physical body, that stays neatly plugged in my chair. and ya, to write a book u gotta read a lot of those first... though, helping people and contributing to something good doesnt take much skills. check with ur local volunteers organizations. most often hands are needed, and they dont have to be highly skilled. now, i dont see u mentioning ur stimming or ur special interests. u dont need an official diagnosis to take care of ur needs, once u know about them. to raise ur capability and personal resourse, u need to take care of urself. this is not arbitary. like, when i am stressed i need 2 things. a company of one of people, who know how to handle me in that state, and a stimtoy. some autists pref to hide and work with themselves alone, that is fine too, but u need to find what works for u... sorry for unstructured and fragmentary answer, i am not in my best state atm. hope this helps.

http://autism.wikia.com/wiki/Meltdowns
http://autism.wikia.com/wiki/Autistic_regression
http://autism.wikia.com/wiki/Special_Interests
http://autism.wikia.com/wiki/Stimming
https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Stim-Toys

This has all given me a lot to think about. If I'm honest I'm feeling overwhelmed at the amount of replies, along with the decisions I need to make about my life.

I'm going to talk to my care coordinator about helping me find something to do which is around other people for one day a week. Something I can actually put my mind to and doesn't exhaust me mentally or physically.

I can't do too much at once, because I don't want a mental breakdown, so if I start with that and then maybe figure out the way in which I want to study later.

keep us updated, as u can. some of us here do give a f**k.

First off because these are your first posts - welcome to Wrong Planet.

All of this at the age of 21.

Here is my advise from my perspective.
1. Stay off drugs/alcohol. Feel the burn and the pain. It will leave deep scars but it will help form your character and toughen up your skin.
2. I can feel your desire for friends and social contact. But set that aside for awhile. There is an important tool that some Aspies can learn and that will serve you well in the future. Many of us when we were in school daydreamed. This is a mild form of disassociation. We disengage from our bodies and our minds float away to better worlds, imaginary world. This is not a bad trait. But there is another form of disassociation that can come from this. Your outer brain, your social brain is actually composed of an emotional brain and an analytical brain. Under extreme stress, it is possible for you to disassociate these two parts. You can shut down your emotional part - turn off all feelings such as fear, terror, hate, revenge, and spin up your analytical part and seek a solution to your current dilemma. Then implement your best solution. It makes your fearless, adventurous. It adds an great element to the tapestry of your life.
3. One of the illusions is that Aspies are doomed to being friendless for the rest of our lives because we are not social enough. But that is not completely true. I have found that when I learn to stand on my own two feet and leave the herd that actually I attract friendship because I am so different than the run of the mill individuals that form society.
4. I will give you a goal in life. In the olden days, Aspies quite naturally transformed into something called a NONCONFORMIST. We were an important part of society - a missing puzzle piece. That is what you should strive for. Here are a few quotes about nonconformist:

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Rob Siltanen: Apple, "Think Different" campaign

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed. - Albert Einstein

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road. - Voltaire

Not all those who wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A "normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray." - Alan Sherman

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche

The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. - Colin Wilson

“Freedom began on the day the first sheep wandered away from the herd.” ― Marty Rubin

Imagine a young boy chasing a beautiful butterfly trying to catch it with a large net. He runs from one hill to the next for hours but never quite gets close enough to capture the butterfly. Finally he sits down on a large rock to rest, totally out of breathe. And then something magical happens. The butterfly lands on his shoulder.

I will keep this updated. It's good to know people care.

I have been off drugs and alcohol (excluding caffeine, nicotine and antidepressants) for a while, and I plan to keep it that way.
I really like the goal of being a nonconformist.

I think anxiety might be my main problem.

I'm having difficulty elaborating on my thoughts at the moment but I wanted to thank everyone for their posts because I'm coming to a lot of realizations about myself and forming a few ideas about steps I can take.

My care coordinator is great so I'm hoping she can help me form a proper plan.

we have different milestones. social skills come at a higher price, and later than for allistic ppl. this is just another norm.

Thought I'd offer up an update about what's going on at the moment.

Yesterday I went for an initial screening for autism with BASS, which was mentally exhausting. They said the majority of people who get referred don't get past the initial appointment, but I was told at the end that I was going to be put on a waiting list for a full appointment. So that makes me feel good, because it means I'm not a faker or anything.
I've been having problems with my benefits, which put me in a high state of stress for a while, but even though it hasn't been resolved I've been feeling a bit better.
I have worked my way through recapping a third of the maths A-level books. I have also been walking more.
I haven't done any other stuff, like volunteering or joining clubs.
My care coordinator is on holiday, but I've got a temporary replacement, and he used to work at an autism place and also likes maths, so I'm looking forward to seeing him more.
I was put on 15mg mirtazapine, and it's helped massively with sleep regulation and a bit with depression, but no improvements in anxiety.

All in all, I'm doing okay. Will feel a lot better when I have my benefits sorted and have money coming in. I'll really go off the rails if they cancel them or something though...

thanx for checking in. its good to know u are feeling better. and well, official diagnosis does sound great.

Yeah, I'm really excited for the official diagnosis, trying not to get my hopes up too much in case it doesn't happen. Mainly excited because there's a 6 week diagnostic support group afterwards, where I will be able to meet other recently diagnosed adults with autism. Hoping to make friends or at least feel less alone.

well in places like that there can be a lot of camraderie, but friendship - not guaranteed. they could be very different from u, albeit recently diagnosed. and ya i've never been there. i guess there be another decade or 2 before health care in my country even starts moving towards admitting adult autism exists xD. a bit envious of u, tbh, u are going thru something wonderful. I really hope u find it as fulfilling as it seems in my head. take care and keep us posted, please)