Can't stop thinking about an Asperger's girl at work...

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SnPx
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31 Mar 2019, 6:08 am

TL;DR I'm a guy with undiagnosed ASD who can't stop thinking about an Asperger's girl at work. It's driving me crazy.

I moved offices a couple of months ago, and now sit near near a girl called 'R' (no names, she might be here). We had some interesting conversations, often about the sort of topics that most people find uncomfortable, some a little intense (to the point where one of our colleagues felt they had mediate). After one conversation she messaged me to ask how come I'd never been diagnosed as autistic "as you clearly are", and then told me she had Asperger's (she also told me about wrong planet). The amount we chatted increased after that as I think we both understood we didn't need to worry about being misunderstood, and we could communicate without having to attempt to filter. We discovered we had similar backgrounds, poor and troubled upbringings and had both decided to sort ourselves out and work hard to get good jobs.
We're both in relationships which at first was great because it meant there's was no possibility that either of us would think anything else was going on. I think we've both found someone stable, who keeps us grounded. I don't think I'd split up from my GF and I wouldn't want R to split from her BF either.

The problem is I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like a stupid teenager. It's affecting my sleep and my moods and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm trying not to initiate any conversations because I'm worried I'm going to say or do something inappropriate, or have her think I'm being a pest.
I'm desperate to hold her hand.

I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this. Hopefully just getting it out will help me deal with it and we can carry on being friends. Sigh.

B



magz
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31 Mar 2019, 6:43 am

Seems she is someone you feel comfortable next to. It's a great feeling, isn't it?
I regret some friendships that got messed up by relationship attempts so I get it that you don't want to spoil it.
On the other hand, my relationship with my now-husband started with something similar - I was in a relationship, he was hopelessly in love with someone else - it took us a year of growing close as friends before we admitted to each other that "something more" is also there.


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Sabreclaw
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31 Mar 2019, 6:49 am

Dude, you have a girlfriend. You absolutely should not be spending time with another girl you're developing an infatuation for. Either your friendship with this work colleague or your relationship are f****d. Pick who's more important.



magz
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31 Mar 2019, 7:38 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
Dude, you have a girlfriend.

A "girlfriend" is a pretty broad term that ranges from regular dating to living and raising children together... so I would say - it depends.


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SnPx
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31 Mar 2019, 7:43 am

magz wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Dude, you have a girlfriend.

A "girlfriend" is a pretty broad term that ranges from regular dating to living and raising children together... so I would say - it depends.


FWIW, living together, no kids.



magz
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31 Mar 2019, 7:52 am

SnPx wrote:
magz wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Dude, you have a girlfriend.

A "girlfriend" is a pretty broad term that ranges from regular dating to living and raising children together... so I would say - it depends.


FWIW, living together, no kids.

That means there is quite a lot to lose, rearranging all your lives.
Probably way too early to know if anything would be worth the risk.
Maybe it's just some chemistry not to act on.
Admitting this chemistry to yourself may make it easier to deal with and to act reasonably.


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SnPx
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31 Mar 2019, 7:57 am

magz wrote:
SnPx wrote:
magz wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
Dude, you have a girlfriend.

A "girlfriend" is a pretty broad term that ranges from regular dating to living and raising children together... so I would say - it depends.


FWIW, living together, no kids.

That means there is quite a lot to lose, rearranging all your lives.
Probably way too early to know if anything would be worth the risk.
Maybe it's just some chemistry not to act on.
Admitting this chemistry to yourself may make it easier to deal with and to act reasonably.


I totally agree, I don't want to feel like this. I don't plan to do anything about it.



Tim_Tex
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01 Apr 2019, 4:48 pm

You shouldn't get attached to work colleagues in that way.

Believe me, I know.


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SnPx
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07 Apr 2019, 7:44 am

So it's been about a week, and if anything my feeling for R are a little stronger. I think it'll be okay, I doubt she feels anything for me, I'm just one her male friends and at some point these feelings will fade and things will be back to normal.
I think this is more about me never having spoken to anyone about any of my ASD behaviours, and now that I can it feels much better. To even know that someone experiences the world in a similar way is makes me feel much less crazy.
People in my life have generally been accepting of my weirdness (including girlfriends), but this is the first time I've met someone who really understands.
As she has other friends with Aspergers, I know I'm unlikely to fill the same space for her.

For now I'll just try and enjoy the emotional roller coaster I appear to be on and try not to do anything stupid.

B



SnPx
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13 Apr 2019, 7:27 am

This week has been much better. I've made a conscious effort to focus on our differences. I still think she's amazing, and I like the time we spend together but the thoughts have subsided and I'm able to think clearly again.

I now realise that it's just insane to have thought any of this.

Thanks everyone that commented, I appreciate the advice.

It's been an interesting few weeks anyway. Unless there's any major developments I'll probably let this thread die.



fez
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13 Apr 2019, 6:18 pm

I think about it slightly differently. I very seldom meet people I like and connect with and when I do I feel fine ‘falling into them’ it has nothing to do with love or sexual feelings: it is just nice to finally feel connected.

I even think my brain often muddles it all together and I totally feel your pull to hold someone’s hand although for me it is more lying in the dark together just chatting. I think it is just when I meet people I really like I often feel halted by words and going through the motions, I want to fast track things to being closer and I associate that with intimacy.

I have a few of these friends that I am so deeply connected to. They are all the opposite sex. We all live very far away and we meet seldom but it always awesome.

I have been married for 15 years. I am just very honest with my husband. He is fine with me going away to meet up with my few close friends.


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SnPx
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14 Apr 2019, 3:11 am

fez wrote:
I think about it slightly differently. I very seldom meet people I like and connect with and when I do I feel fine ‘falling into them’ it has nothing to do with love or sexual feelings: it is just nice to finally feel connected.

I even think my brain often muddles it all together and I totally feel your pull to hold someone’s hand although for me it is more lying in the dark together just chatting. I think it is just when I meet people I really like I often feel halted by words and going through the motions, I want to fast track things to being closer and I associate that with intimacy.

I have a few of these friends that I am so deeply connected to. They are all the opposite sex. We all live very far away and we meet seldom but it always awesome.

I have been married for 15 years. I am just very honest with my husband. He is fine with me going away to meet up with my few close friends.


I think R is the same as you. I think for her it's just a connection. And I get the impression most of her friends are also the opposite sex.

I have to admit for me it's a bit more involved, and I know I'm both mentally and physically attracted to her. Knowing that she has much of the same autistic sensory things makes it more complicated. I really want to know what physical contact would be like.

I'm sure it's not the same for R. She's been diagnosed for about 10 years and has had plenty of time to experience others and may have already tried having an ASD BF. Seems like it's not usually a very stable combination anyway.



fez
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14 Apr 2019, 3:33 am

SnPx wrote:
fez wrote:
I think about it slightly differently. I very seldom meet people I like and connect with and when I do I feel fine ‘falling into them’ it has nothing to do with love or sexual feelings: it is just nice to finally feel connected.

I even think my brain often muddles it all together and I totally feel your pull to hold someone’s hand although for me it is more lying in the dark together just chatting. I think it is just when I meet people I really like I often feel halted by words and going through the motions, I want to fast track things to being closer and I associate that with intimacy.

I have a few of these friends that I am so deeply connected to. They are all the opposite sex. We all live very far away and we meet seldom but it always awesome.

I have been married for 15 years. I am just very honest with my husband. He is fine with me going away to meet up with my few close friends.


I think R is the same as you. I think for her it's just a connection. And I get the impression most of her friends are also the opposite sex.

I have to admit for me it's a bit more involved, and I know I'm both mentally and physically attracted to her. Knowing that she has much of the same autistic sensory things makes it more complicated. I really want to know what physical contact would be like.

I'm sure it's not the same for R. She's been diagnosed for about 10 years and has had plenty of time to experience others and may have already tried having an ASD BF. Seems like it's not usually a very stable combination anyway.


I do get that! Since i figured out i was autistic i have thought a lot about what life would be like if i had that kind of connection with another autistic person in a relationship. I am pretty sure it is mostly inside my head that works out great though.


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SnPx
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14 Apr 2019, 5:14 am

fez wrote:
SnPx wrote:
fez wrote:
I think about it slightly differently. I very seldom meet people I like and connect with and when I do I feel fine ‘falling into them’ it has nothing to do with love or sexual feelings: it is just nice to finally feel connected.

I even think my brain often muddles it all together and I totally feel your pull to hold someone’s hand although for me it is more lying in the dark together just chatting. I think it is just when I meet people I really like I often feel halted by words and going through the motions, I want to fast track things to being closer and I associate that with intimacy.

I have a few of these friends that I am so deeply connected to. They are all the opposite sex. We all live very far away and we meet seldom but it always awesome.

I have been married for 15 years. I am just very honest with my husband. He is fine with me going away to meet up with my few close friends.


I think R is the same as you. I think for her it's just a connection. And I get the impression most of her friends are also the opposite sex.

I have to admit for me it's a bit more involved, and I know I'm both mentally and physically attracted to her. Knowing that she has much of the same autistic sensory things makes it more complicated. I really want to know what physical contact would be like.

I'm sure it's not the same for R. She's been diagnosed for about 10 years and has had plenty of time to experience others and may have already tried having an ASD BF. Seems like it's not usually a very stable combination anyway.


I do get that! Since i figured out i was autistic i have thought a lot about what life would be like if i had that kind of connection with another autistic person in a relationship. I am pretty sure it is mostly inside my head that works out great though.


Oh yeah I definitely think I'm romanticising it in my head. I'm trying to be content with the idea that somewhere in an alternative universe we could be together...

Still I'd love to try :-)



SnPx
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20 Apr 2019, 6:39 am

Well it's been another week and while I was planning on letting this thread die, I'm sort of enjoying documenting my temporary insanity.

This week has been interesting, R had an incident (no details) and I was able to support her. Nothing happened but it was the first time I had seen a vulnerable side of her. I worry that she needs someone to look after her, not that I really think she would allow anyone to.

Afterwards we swapped phone numbers and have been texting outside of work. I know this is dangerous and today I've been trying to resist the temptation to contact her. So far so good.

I still really like her but even excluding both our current situations, she makes me feel more unbalanced than usual. I like the feeling but I'm sure it would end explosively.