Can't stop thinking about an Asperger's girl at work...

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TL;DR I'm a guy with undiagnosed ASD who can't stop thinking about an Asperger's girl at work. It's driving me crazy.

I moved offices a couple of months ago, and now sit near near a girl called 'R' (no names, she might be here). We had some interesting conversations, often about the sort of topics that most people find uncomfortable, some a little intense (to the point where one of our colleagues felt they had mediate). After one conversation she messaged me to ask how come I'd never been diagnosed as autistic "as you clearly are", and then told me she had Asperger's (she also told me about wrong planet). The amount we chatted increased after that as I think we both understood we didn't need to worry about being misunderstood, and we could communicate without having to attempt to filter. We discovered we had similar backgrounds, poor and troubled upbringings and had both decided to sort ourselves out and work hard to get good jobs.
We're both in relationships which at first was great because it meant there's was no possibility that either of us would think anything else was going on. I think we've both found someone stable, who keeps us grounded. I don't think I'd split up from my GF and I wouldn't want R to split from her BF either.

The problem is I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like a stupid teenager. It's affecting my sleep and my moods and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm trying not to initiate any conversations because I'm worried I'm going to say or do something inappropriate, or have her think I'm being a pest.
I'm desperate to hold her hand.

I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this. Hopefully just getting it out will help me deal with it and we can carry on being friends. Sigh.

B

Seems she is someone you feel comfortable next to. It's a great feeling, isn't it?
I regret some friendships that got messed up by relationship attempts so I get it that you don't want to spoil it.
On the other hand, my relationship with my now-husband started with something similar - I was in a relationship, he was hopelessly in love with someone else - it took us a year of growing close as friends before we admitted to each other that "something more" is also there.

Dude, you have a girlfriend. You absolutely should not be spending time with another girl you're developing an infatuation for. Either your friendship with this work colleague or your relationship are f****d. Pick who's more important.

You shouldn't get attached to work colleagues in that way.

Believe me, I know.

So it's been about a week, and if anything my feeling for R are a little stronger. I think it'll be okay, I doubt she feels anything for me, I'm just one her male friends and at some point these feelings will fade and things will be back to normal.
I think this is more about me never having spoken to anyone about any of my ASD behaviours, and now that I can it feels much better. To even know that someone experiences the world in a similar way is makes me feel much less crazy.
People in my life have generally been accepting of my weirdness (including girlfriends), but this is the first time I've met someone who really understands.
As she has other friends with Aspergers, I know I'm unlikely to fill the same space for her.

For now I'll just try and enjoy the emotional roller coaster I appear to be on and try not to do anything stupid.

B

This week has been much better. I've made a conscious effort to focus on our differences. I still think she's amazing, and I like the time we spend together but the thoughts have subsided and I'm able to think clearly again.

I now realise that it's just insane to have thought any of this.

Thanks everyone that commented, I appreciate the advice.

It's been an interesting few weeks anyway. Unless there's any major developments I'll probably let this thread die.

I think about it slightly differently. I very seldom meet people I like and connect with and when I do I feel fine ‘falling into them’ it has nothing to do with love or sexual feelings: it is just nice to finally feel connected.

I even think my brain often muddles it all together and I totally feel your pull to hold someone’s hand although for me it is more lying in the dark together just chatting. I think it is just when I meet people I really like I often feel halted by words and going through the motions, I want to fast track things to being closer and I associate that with intimacy.

I have a few of these friends that I am so deeply connected to. They are all the opposite sex. We all live very far away and we meet seldom but it always awesome.

I have been married for 15 years. I am just very honest with my husband. He is fine with me going away to meet up with my few close friends.

Well it's been another week and while I was planning on letting this thread die, I'm sort of enjoying documenting my temporary insanity.

This week has been interesting, R had an incident (no details) and I was able to support her. Nothing happened but it was the first time I had seen a vulnerable side of her. I worry that she needs someone to look after her, not that I really think she would allow anyone to.

Afterwards we swapped phone numbers and have been texting outside of work. I know this is dangerous and today I've been trying to resist the temptation to contact her. So far so good.

I still really like her but even excluding both our current situations, she makes me feel more unbalanced than usual. I like the feeling but I'm sure it would end explosively.

Life with R has got more complicated.

As I've got to know her more I've become to realise that despite her outer shell she's very delicate and needs someone to look after her. She knows this too.

She was having problems late one night and messaged me. We spoke for a few hours and I spent the next day with her to make sure she was ok. I found out much more about her and ended up liking her even more.
I tried to do the right thing and made sure her BF would be coming to look after her after I left.
The next day she told me she was moving in with him. I was very jealous, but again knew it was the right thing.

I expected things to cool down between after that. That she would be focused on building a home with him and that I would just be forced to move on.
Instead we talked about how our SOs didn't really understand the Asperger's/ASD thing, that we didn't really like having to pretend to be normal etc.
One afternoon she set up a situation where we could be alone and talk. I told her that I really liked her. I don't really remember what she actually said but only that she used the word 'no'.
I avoided her the next day because I was embarrassed and confused. I thought she would have preferred we didn't see each other but instead she messaged me to tell me she wanted me to be there and was unhappy I wasn't around.
If anything our messages had become more flirty than before.

I was still confused but less embarrassed.

We didn't chat again for the rest of the evening until about 2am when she messaged me to tell me she was high in a club and had screwed up her life. She had an important work thing the next day. She said I might have been the trigger for making her go back to her old life. She had lied to her BF about where she was.

I eventually talked her into going home at 4am, and convinced her to call in sick a couple of hours later.
Her BF came home to look after her and although we spoke a few times for the rest of the day, I told her she should concentrate on him because it seems to me that he must love her.
She's better off with him. He's smart, from a good well off family and most of all stable. I don't have anything better to offer.

We haven't spoken for over 24 hours now. This makes me sad.

I like that it's me that she contacts me when she needs someone but I'm very confused about everything else.

Even with all of this I still really like her.