Borderline & Aspie couple.

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Hi all,

I'm here today because I need a safe place where I can talk out, or at least hash out, some serious issues me & my partner are going through, which has a lot to do with mental health.

I'm a 29yo female, he a 32yo male. We've been together for 2 years.

I recently self diagnosed as Borderline. I've always suffered the problems that came with being Borderline, and at the back of my mind, the musing of Borderline was always there, but I generally dismissed those musings. However, symptoms have reached such as of late that I began to do my homework to discover & conclude that it does legitimately seem to be the prognosis. I also discovered by chance that my partner had already diagnosed me as BPD himself some 18 months ago. Although he never shared this information with me. Which I find quite hurtful.

Apart from that I also suspect that my partner might be a high functioning Autist. It was only this week I stumbled across this (as a possible explanation) and began reading in depth. My partner seems to fit the bill exceptionally well. My partner said that years ago he entertained the idea that he was on the spectrum and/or Avoidant PD.. But he ultimately dismissed these and concluded he was "just not as social as everyone else". But it's far more complicated than that, I suspect.

We're both introverted thinkers, we met online (by chance) and then we met up in real life for a day out, just as friends, but have been together ever since that day.

The first 18 months of our relationship was long distance. The first 6 months were phenomenal. We just loved every minute of everyday, we were a breath of fresh air for each other. After that, I started getting cold feet and acting act, the way BPDs do. I've dumped him and got together with him countless times... But still, it was all in words only, my actions spoke a different story, and we continued to see each other. It was a wild roller coaster the whole time from then, which climaxed when I fell pregnant a year ago... After much deliberation, debate and arguing we decided to move in together and start a family. Also complicated by the fact he's a separated dad to two other children from his previous marriage. So we both relocated to the city between our two cities.

The first month moving in together was brilliant and we loved the excitement of it... But since then numerous stumbling blocks have represented themselves, ranging from financial problems to severe communication issues, my explosive meltdowns and him retreating behind some internal "magnolia wall" (is what I've termed it).

I came from a single mother household and my mom was an abusive, neglectful alcoholic who would often abandon me & my younger brother whilst she went out to get blind drunk, sometimes for days on end. When she was home, she was always invalidating & abusive... and that's what set my neurons up on the path they are on today.

My partner also came from a single mother household and grew up with his two sisters. He was always socially awkward, ostracised and apparently severely bullied... a similar pattern of social awkwardness & lack of inclusion followed him into adulthood.

The first year of my dating, I wasn't aware at all of how socially inept he was. We had a good time together all the time, but in hindsight there was always booze & cocaine involved after exhilarating dates. Obviously this all stopped when I fell pregnant. (We like to "party", but neither of us abuse substances).

Although he did cut contact with a friend during the course of our relationship because she wold get him blind drunk all the time, to the point that was becoming a problem for him.

That one friend was the only friend he had. When they stopped speaking (for good) after a huge drunken row they got into, she told me that she was only his friend because she took pity on him being a loner anyway (she wasn't very happy about being called an alcoholic). He actually didn't have much of an identity outside of being a son, brother and father. He's kind, well meaning, loyal, hardworking & family orientated. Hi Bipolar wife had numerous affairs until he decided to end their marriage.

In contrast to me, I can be a very sociable person, I have many friends and comrades and a large social network. As an introvert, I still spend vast days alone, but I certainly hook up with my friends every other week and chat over text regularly.

Anyway, we've been living together for 6 months now, and we are really struggling. The new baby has arrived and honestly she is the joy and light of my life. I can't express how lovely & beautiful she is. The whole parenting thing is going exceptionally well.. alas, our adult relationship is not.

My Boderline tendencies have become exceptionally severe, and become more severe the more my partner retreats from me. It's a cycle that needs to be broken soon, otherwise we'll both have to split up in order to retain our sanitises.

I'm riddled with guilt & shame.

Almost every other day I wage a verbal warfare on him, and I've physically attacked him numerous times. Often a slap or punch around the face. He's far bigger than I, so I doubt I could ever truly hurt him, but still. I know violence is wrong, and I do not want to be that person. He wouldn't lay a hand on me. Besides the violence, I'd say I'm guilty of frequent emotional abuse. I also do not want to be that person.

There are a few factors that led me to here. Prominently, I do not feel like I can trust him. Over the last 12 months, he's been caught out on some very serious lies. Ranging from small to huge.

One instance was when he denied knowing a woman he had a summer fling with before we met. I was not at all concerned that he had fling before we met, I would be more worried if he hadn't (since the end of his previous marriage). However, I did find pictures of the woman on his social media, and so I just politely said to him that if those photos were of his fling, would he mind deleting them so I don't have to see them. His responses was to deny that was the woman, so I said "ok", only later to find out it was the woman, which really pissed me off. His explanation was that he panicked and thought that lying was the best course of action.

Then when I found out I was pregnant. I told him and at first he said that was wonderful news and he asked me when I'd be moving in with him in his city. I was taken aback at that and said I had no intention of moving to his city. I'd already expressed this several times during our relationship. His response to that was to call me a selfish b***h and then ignored me for several days. He also then went round his his female friends house, got blind drunk and left abusive messages about me online. Which drove me insane and hurt my feelings. We then had some explosive rows about that.

I had to beg him to come see me in person to discuss it, as the way he wanted to communicate long distance was driving me crazy and was hurtful. He eventually came to see me when he then said he couldn't fit a baby into his life unless I came to live with him. More arguments ensued. I then offered to move halfway, and his first reaction to that was also no. That really hurt me. I was trying, he was not... I booked a termination appointment, and I had a few weeks to consider if I wanted the child on my own or not. When he knew I'd booked the appointment, he changed his tune and said he wanted the baby and would relocate half way. I accepted that but he'd already severely damaged my trust and estimation of him, but he said he just previously panicked and that he didn't mean any of it.

Then things went well for a while as we planned our new lives together. Unfortunately when I was 5 months pregnant I found out my chance (tidying his house) that he was in fact still married and not divorced for the last 3 years like he'd told me & everybody else. This was also a huge, major breach of trust and had I of not been pregnant I would have left him for good then. I left his city early (from my stay there) and returned to mine. Alas, what with being 5 months pregnant I gave him a chance to visit and explain himself. He said it was easier to lie and say he was divorced than to explain the details, they had been separated for 3 years which in his mind was a good as divorced. I informed him that there's a big difference between being separated and being divorced, and now I'm the stupid b***h that got pregnant by a married man.

We hashed things out and I said we could move forward only if he can promise that there are no more secrets between us. I'm pregnant and don't need the stress of having a man in my life that I can't trust. He promised me there were more secrets. I said "Okay" but also asked to see the messages between him and his wife so I could be sure I was up to speed with everything. The moment I asked his face dropped and knew I'd stumbled onto something. He reluctantly passed me his phone to discover that he was in fact lying to me in that very moment.

He told me that he was selling his mortgage to his neighbour in preparation for our move. The very last messages between he & his wife that morning were that he had sold it back to her.

I just couldn't believe that the man sat their telling me such a bold faced lie when I had only just pleaded with him for complete honesty. That crushed me. I just don't know what sort of person tells such compulsive lies... especially when he's supposed to be one of the "good, quiet guys". I told him he would be subjected to periodic phone searches from then on. (I'm usually all for freedom & privacy, but I will police a compulsive liar).

Our plans for moving in together were pretty much finalised at that point, so we did move in together.. albeit with a severely weak foundation (for trust).

Since then, I'm far quicker to anger - and the issue around trust is now almost a daily topic, which I know is driving us both insane.

Further compounded by the fact that I also stumbled across a bunch of forum posts of his where I discover a whole bunch of stuff he's never told me. Like how serious his social awkwardness issues are, some of his history with his wife and his feelings about his family. Also some posts where he said that he briefly dated his female best friend years ago and they almost got together.. also how she asked him to bed the night he was at hers and they were both hurling abuse at me whilst I was at work & pregnant.

That's also a serious breach of trust. I gave him the A-Okay to have a female best friend as he'd informed me that had "never liked each other like that or ever had anything sexual between them". I didn't suspect a thing, and as I have a male best friend he's understanding of, I afforded him the same. Just to discover that once again he didn't provide me with the full picture.

All of these things combined, I just don't know how I can trust him, and it's maddening. He lives in social isolation and he's socially inept. I know he's not out there cheating, that's not my concern.. but my concern is how he had a tendency to compulsively lie to himself and to others.

I'm a brutally honest person, and all I ask for from a partner in return is the same. But He's incapable, or so it seems.

Then there's our day-to-day communication and how it just doesn't work anymore. My angry explosions have left him walking on egg-shells and he's been retreating into himself more & more. Which makes me angrier.

The way he communicates, or doesn't for that matter, is unlike anything I've encountered before.. and this isn't just with me (the crazy girlfriend) but with everybody.

He doesn't make eye contact, he shrinks around others (despite being 6"5), he doesn't know or use appropriate greetings, he can't maintain an adequate conversation, he talks monotone and recites boring facts, he frequently comes of as aloof, detached, ignorant or rude and frequently offends people without meaning to. He often misinterprets the points others are trying to make and then comes across as patronising when he decides they need elementary education about something, when in reality he just missed the nuanced point being made. He also processes language differently and uses language differently. He struggles to read other people's facial expressions, body gestures and often never knows when it's appropriate to either respond or stay silent, often mixing the two appropriate instances up. He has repetitive routines that he doesn't like changing and repetitive habits such as habitual pacing. I'm constantly having to explain away his quiet nervousness, aloofness and rudeness to other in social situations.

Which has taken me by surprise as he wasn't like this when we were dating. But then there was booze involved, and no other people.

His facial expression is always blank, and if you ask him a question he'll literally just stare into space for a whole minute before slowly responding. Which is maddening. The question could be as simple as "Did you see the news headlines today?"... then there's there's this whole prolonged pause before he says something like "I thought it was a bit crazy, what were they thinking?".

Then I'll be like "what are you referring to?" .. long pause, then he'll slowly respond.. When he does respond, it's often with an answer to a question I haven't asked, and he ignores the question I have asked. It's habitual.

Then when I start getting annoyed with his inability to keep up with the conversation or the long pauses, he gets more nervous and clams up even further, If I'm getting very irate or on the edge of explosion he just retreats behind his "magnolia brick wall".

I feel like I'm dating a magnolia brick wall.

My anger is becoming so out of hand, arguments are daily (often one sided whilst he just stares into space), and his communication is just getting worse, even around the most basic forms of communication.

In the two years we've been dating I can count on one hand how many times he called me (we spoke a lot on the phone with pregnancy news but that was me calling him). I've been telling him for two years it would be nice to just get a phone call of my partner (as we spends some days apart), instead of his BS and long winded way of communication via text, even when we're trying to discuss complicated & nuanced things.

Something needs to give. We are destroying our relationship and I fear that I am slowly destroying him. I say the most hurtful and brutal things during my "episodes", and I've slapped him one too many times.

I know this.. and I have now booked my self in with a private DBT therapist, first appointment is next week and I will be fully compliant & committed.

However I feel like no matter how much progress I try to make, make or how good and methodical my attempts at communication are,.. that in fact, he will be the one unable to change his habits/ways of thinking/processing/retreating.

I've spoken to a few people who are up to speed with these conditions and they also seem to think that my BPD can be helped/minimised with support & effort, but if he is an Aspie, the same might not be said for him.

Sorry this is profusely long, I just needed to get that all out.

Does anybody have any advice or experience with this sort of thing? We do both love each other, and when the times are good, the times are good. Unfortunately, I fear we may not survive the bad times, and it may be healthier for us to split up (which will break our hearts)

Thanks in advance.

I admit I couldn't read your whole post yet, it's a lot to process.
BPD + Aspie is not an unusual setting, probably because stability of an Aspie's attitudes can make up for instability of BPD. But it's often painful.
You both come from disfunctional families. This alone can cause BPD-like symptoms. You would most likely benefit from some therapy - if not for any other reason, just to save your child from the same pain you're expiriencing. I don't know how it is in UK but there are groups for adult children of alcoholics run by AA and other organizations, I believe it would fit you.

He doesn't sound like an Aspie. Most of us can't hide social issues for a full year. An entire date would be a stretch for most of us. But, unlike Down's syndrome, we are all pretty unique and different from one another. Which means that if you are in a relationship with an Aspie, you need to study that Aspie, and not assume you can follow the Amy/Sheldon relationship on Big Bang Theory. While there are tall guy Aspies, there are also guy Aspies that are really short.

We were dating for the year, but we didn't spend the whole year together. It was more like 3/4 days together a month.

Does his behaviour sound like anything else in particular?

My XGF was DX'd BPD.

I believe some characteristics of personality disorders and ASD overlap.