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HenryJonesJr
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 12 Aug 2018
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 53
Location: Eastern U.S.

17 Apr 2019, 6:56 am

Thanks everyone for your replies. The perspectives are very helpful.



HenryJonesJr
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 12 Aug 2018
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 53
Location: Eastern U.S.

17 Apr 2019, 7:49 am

It occurs to me I am so bothered by the situation because when I think they are angry or disapproving towards me my instinct is to try to suppress all of my human needs and desires to comply with what they want. But then another part of me has human needs, and this part feels outraged at being completely stifled and shut down. Then I experience this obsession and anger that seemingly comes out of nowhere.

Really need to work these things out.

Somehow posting this here helps me make feel better. Just to say, I exist, I am a real human being just like everyone else. I have been living for so long with no friends, keeping myself locked up tight.

Even now, part of me says, "don't post this here, these people don't want to hear it". But I must let myself out. I just want to exist as a human being seen by others. I want to encourage others to do the same. I definitely don't want to hinder anyone's ability to be themselves -- to judge, criticize, or control.



HenryJonesJr
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 12 Aug 2018
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 53
Location: Eastern U.S.

17 Apr 2019, 8:06 am

This post is becoming like Herzog's letters or a piece of inner monologue from a Palahniuk novel.

Report, from the front lines, 8:50 am, April 17, 2019.

This morning I ran the shower fan at 8:00 am while taking a shower. In my mind I suspected that the guy upstairs really didn't want me to do that and that he would be angry. Like the angry tense guy who wouldn't say hi back to you in the lobby, though he made eye contact with you. But it seems reasonable to run the fan, especially when you could hear that they were already awake.

Now you hear him angrily pacing back and forth from one end of the apartment to the other. At least you're assuming he is pacing because he is angry. You have done it before. You were the angry control freak at one point in your life.

But whether he is angry or not, you will not live in fear of him or anyone else. You just want to live like a human being. No one has to live like a refugee (yes, I poke fun at myself in good humor).

But this situation has to break. The tension has to break. The obsession and control that, in my mind, they have locked themselves in -- that is their problem. It will not be my problem. I am going to live my life like a normal human being, flawed and imperfect, with needs and weaknesses and sensitivities. Not meaning to hurt anyone, but knowing we all bother some people sometimes and that is okay.

I have been so obsessed with being harmless and polite for so long, that now such thoughts cause my brain to lock up tight. I have to let them go. Now I trust myself to have normal good enough human intentions and I trust my judgment, trust my own human decency. It is okay to exist, I don't have to apologize to anyone for my existence. And I won't assume the worst of anyone. I know that imperfect things still have much value.



HenryJonesJr
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 12 Aug 2018
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 53
Location: Eastern U.S.

Yesterday, 7:56 am

Further report, but not from the front lines, because there is no battle. April 18, 2019, 8:40 am.

I have managed to make peace with in the situation. I realized that I have been really bothered by loud sounds. I have interpreted sudden loud sounds as threats. I realized that each time the floor creaked loudly over my head or the neighbor dropped a dish I responded with fear and went on the defense, physically and mentally, as if I were being attacked. Then, much to my surprise, I realized that I can choose not to interpret things as threatening, and then I don't have the same response. I realized that I responded to things in a way that is similar to how PTSD has been described, and now I have much compassion for those with severe PTSD, which is surely much worse. Still the past few days have been a living hell for me, and I am so glad to be getting through this.

I don't know for sure, but I think there is a good chance that the young man (~24 years old I would guess) above me is interpreting things the way I was, as threats. I think he may live up there with his mother.

I have decided also that, since I have managed to find peace with the situation, I am still going to live in a way that seems most reasonable. Meaning that I will be considerate, but not out of fear. This seems to be a good way to live in general.

I do have a problem of people seeing me as threatening, however, and I want to work on this. I am often quite intense and perfectionistic, and I can be a bit loud and forceful in my manner, very unintentionally, and I think this is why people see me this way. They see my mind picking things apart and judging them, and they feel threatened by it. And this makes sense. I have read that this is part of what is called "social signalling" (see Thomas Lynch's RO-DBT, I think he has some true and important ideas there). I want to be someone who is open and inviting or calm and accepting -- I can think of someone who exemplifies each of these -- in my social behavior. What I am getting at is that I want to be able to connect and communicate with other people. In a way that is free and friendly and optimistic and mutually beneficial.