Quitting religion when your family is religious

Post Reply New Topic

Easter is coming and I'm getting triggered.
I used to be quite religious, seeking spirituality and a theological nerd but after having children it all collapsed. Every Sunday I recited Credo and couldn't resist a thought that it's a lie - I didn't believe it all was truth any more, I lied saying "I believe...". I always balanced on doubt and was advised to pray for faith which I did. But I came to a point where I couldn't do it anymore. Probably my babies took so much energy, I couldn't put any of it in trying to believe in God for any longer. So I gave up. I found out, my mind got clearer after I stopped trying to force beliefs on it.

I didn't baptize my second child. I decided I won't lie again and lying would be required to go through the ceremony. When she turns 7, she will be allowed to declare faith for herself, I will be okay if she decides to get baptized. I just don't want to lie and pretend any more.

My inlaws are terrified, they seem to believe if a non-baptized child would die, they would go to hell. Even in my most religious times, I didn't hold such beliefs.
My parents are in denial. My father simply refuses to acknowledge I'm not religious. My mother uses all her manipulative tricks to bring me back to church, despite she agreed with all my arguments of not wanting to lie.
Today I noticed a picture of Virgin Mary sticked to my fridge. My mother must have left it. It made me angry. I feel disrespected. She accused me of being agressive with my disbelief when I refused a gift of her psalm book. Come on, I don't go to her house to remove religious symbols!

Now Easter is coming and I will have to deal with both the families. I can either fake to keep peace, be honest and trigger a drama, or try to hide, avoid and survive in silence. The last option may be problematic with my mother, recently she became pushy about it. I like none of the options.

Lordy. Do they listen to Radio Maria as well?

I completely understand you. I have similar issues.

I solved it by pretending and lying through my teeth, although it is hard for me . It helps that I think lying is the kindest option. At some point these people will be old and can't excercise much control over your life. I'm not certain this is a good strategy. However, I find religious debates within the family pointless. And they do worry about you ending up in hell, which is somehow kind. It's just that the pretending makes you want to hurl. Depends what you want to pretend, I guess.

Your parents are hardly being "kind" by putting you through this. Pretending to be something you're not is stressful, and it's much more so for most autistic people. And are you going to tell your kids to lie when they're around their grandparents, too? Not exactly a good life lesson.

If I were you (which I'm obviously not), I'd avoid visiting during any kind of religious holiday. And make it clear that reconversion atempts are off the table if they want to see you and your kids.

I can empathize with you. I grew up in an extremely religious household. I believe in God, but the God I believe in is a loving God. Some in my family seem to believe in a vengeful God.

I'm wrangling with the fact that at least in my extremely religious family, there is an "us" (the family) and "them" (the rest of the non-religious/faithless world). I've heard the same diatribe from my father innumerable times about how the "culture" is so strong that it will be the ruin of anyone who does not redouble their faith, prayers, participation, etc. In addition to this, he's been a controlling person all of my life. If my family was not religious, it would be easier for me to distance myself from them more than I have.

I've come to call what I've experienced the "cult of family". The cult of family includes but is not limited to the following characteristics:

>There is normally a strong leader or leaders (e.g. patriarch or parents).
>This leadership is tribal in nature similar to Old Testament patriarchs like Abraham in that the leader thinks he can and should run every aspect of your life even as an adult.
>The "family" is considered to be a singular unit even after the adult children move out and start their own families. Pushing back and asserting that you have your own "family" and therefore your own autonomy is egregious to the leadership.
>The "family" feels that they should be entitled to know every aspect of your business and that they should be free to comment on said business as to being right or wrong.
>Cutting contact with "the family" is met with a full assault of guilt: "Why are you being so terrible and so mean to us? We're your family!!"

If that cult of family is bound by and wrapped in extreme religion, then there is an added layer of power available to the leadership. You're not just a person who values independence, you're a person who is "lost" and your very salvation rides on whether you reject the worldly path you're taking and instead conform and fall back in line or you're damned. In addition it's now the leadership and other family member's utmost moral duty to redouble their efforts to "save you" and bring you back regardless of how you feel about it. A perpetual spiritual intervention of increasing intensity gathering to a fever pitch.....

My 2nd girlfriend was an atheist but her parents were kinda strict Christians. My ex kinda kept it from her family cuz she was afraid of the drama. She was also in college & dependent on them financially. The official reason she broke up with me was because her parents wanted our relationship on their terms. We weren't allowed to sleep over at her place even thou we're both adults & were long distance. It had to be at her parents house until we would get married & her parents would of cut her off financially if we did that.
I grew up Catholic & went to some Catholic skewls but I mostly went to them because they were supposedly safer & I was getting bullied alot in public skewl instead of going there to learn about the religious aspects. My family wasn't/isn't very practicing thou so there wasn't a lot of pressure on me to conform. I consider myself a Secular Humanist nowadays. I don't have a problem with others being religious as long as they respect that I'm not. I don't really talk about religion offline & I don't object when others talk about religion or want to do something religious. I let them do their own thing & I just kinda keep quiet & daydream or zone out or whatever. I don't see that as faking it but rather respecting others rights to practice their own religion. My current girlfriend is a Panthiest which kinda means she sees god in everything & cares about all gods & religions. She grew up Christian thou & was very devote but started realizing that the bible didn't make sense & she started questioning things which caused her to lose her best friend but she wasn't really a friend in the 1st place. Cass studied other religions & eventually started taking bits & pieces of various religions & incorporating them into her own religion. She talks about or complains about different religion things to me but she respects that me & most everyone else do not share her beliefs. She mostly complains about how lots of religious stuff doesn't make sense within it's own religion or how others use religion as an excuse to do bad things. I notice that stuff too so I don't mind letting her blow off steam by complaining about it to me

Thanks for responses.
Radio Maryja is more of a political issue than religious. My inlaws despise it because they vote for the other party. My parents are right-wingers but not really in line with the radio, too, they are more libertarian.
Avoiding the families during religious holidays is impossible unless I cut the ties entirely. Religious holidays are meant to be family gatherings in my culture, even for the nonreligious.
Magna, you quite nailed it, it's the us-them thinking and an elaborate cult around it, including all Nick described about his second gf's family - only in my family it's rather matriatchal. I have been previously dehumanized as a "traitor" for violating their rules... it's more the Heaven story, really. The scars are deep. I don't believe a good God would authorize this kind of behavior in His name - not the one described in Evangelies.
The Easter is over, luckily, they didn't push much this time.

I watched a documentary about the moving statues of the virgin Mary recently, it was a phenomen that swept across Ireland in the 80s... We have more actual freedom now to think individually, Im not sure, but my impression is that in Poland religion is still big business.
I think perhaps in your situation I would go along with whatever gives me an easier life, even if that went against my own beliefs, there are religious/conservative pockets left here, I live in this type of area.
A teenage relative recently asked me about how I balance religious expectations with what I believe... I love some of the people who believe, I've loved people who are no longer here but believed, and when I go to mass on the necessary days, its to protect them from needless gossip and judgement (from practicing catholics) and to spend time remembering the messages from my ancestors, to keep their collective wisdom alive in my mind.

I explained that the stories we are told today were written for people that were very different to modern people. By today's standards people back then would be more similar to today's anti social types, with regard to equality and life, I used some gladiator type movies as an example. My long winded point is that your children will make up their own minds regardless of society and you can create that option for them.
I know others would disagree with me, what they will view as my hypocrisy, but that's how I stay true to myself and balance consideration for those I love.

It's more about masking.
I've masked a lot my whole life, to the point of total losing contact with myself and getting seriously mentally ill. I masked even more with my family than with outsiders, thanks to conditional love and other issues. Now I'm trying to unmask, to finally understand who I am, to finally understand how to care for myself. This is why I got so allergic to lies and pretending. But the truth about me is, I don't hold my parents' beliefs and they don't accept this truth.

I really dislike when people try to force their personal beliefs on me. I would prefer it if they would just let me burn for eternity in their imagination. I am sorry you have to deal with this extra stress in your life magz. Any way you slice it, the outcome is less than ideal.