Attachment Issues

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Hello!


I am new here and this is my first post.


Has or does anybody here struggle with attachment?


My issues with attachment stem from my upbringing. My mum didn't show me much affection or nurture me in any way. She has always chosen other people over me, including the guy who abused me. I don't have any contact with her now and that is something my two younger siblings don't understand and I cannot explain.


When I was eight years old I was offered the chance to have a mentor to help my confidence and self-esteem. Her role would be to take me out to places in school hours, or on a weekend every two weeks. I remember having to beg my mum to sign it. The day came to finally meet her and I didn't say a word to her at all. Anything she asked me would always result in a nod or shake of the head. This went on for six sessions before I eventually said a word to her.


We did a lot of things together. We went to the cinema, we went bowling and once we went to a theme park but sometimes she'd take me out for lunch or just for some stationary for school. Then one day when I was eleven she took me to her house -something that she must have gotten permission to do from the organization.


And I think that was when the attachment happened.


I couldn't go a day without ringing her to ask her how her day was or telling her about the things that I'd experienced. She didn't seem to mind. I think my mum was envious of the relationship I had with her but she made no effort to heal our relationship.


Eventually, my mentor fell pregnant and she and her husband broke the news I'd been dreading to hear. They were moving to Perth in Western Australia. She gave me a laptop and set up an internet connection, so we could stay in touch. I was heartbroken because I was losing the only woman who had treated me like I had mattered. During the months that followed, I said to her that things would change. The time difference is eight hours in Perth and it would be difficult to find time for me. She was adamant that things wouldn't change. They left in April 2003.


I was really angry at her for leaving then and I said some pretty terrible things. She sent me presents every birthday up until I was sixteen then they dwindled along with contact.


It's been sixteen years since then. We are still in touch now but I have to make the effort otherwise she won't talk to me and it hurts so much. Yet she has said so many things. When she and her daughter came to visit back in 2013 she actually introduced me as her sort of adoptive sister which made no sense to me whatsoever and there have been times when she has said I am part of her family... Until the point when I said to her I don't feel like a part of her family. And now she has stopped saying it.


I have spent so many years in counselling but I can only talk about it so much. Three years ago I saw a Psychologist and he said I'd got myself stuck and the only way forward is to let go. He isn't the only person to have said that sadly.


People think I want to be miserable and longing for any hint of conversation from her but I don't. It's just I don't know how to let go. And maybe I'm scared to because I can't see anything beyond this attachment with her. Even writing this now I'm struggling to fight back tears. It's cutting me into pieces and I don't know what to do.


I do try to focus on other things but this always comes back. And I'm tired. I've heard it said that attachment can be like an addiction and I think I am addicted to this.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Your mentor has a very kind heart. She feels a closeness with you otherwise she would not have introduced you to her daughter as your adopted sister. This is a rare generous quality.

But as with any friendship, people do grow apart. Their careers and family will cause physical separation because many people will move several times in their lives. It is a fact of life. Most NTs will simple fill the void with other new friends.

Touching story, but you're just being human, it's not really an attachment issue to want a mother/fatherly presence in your life.

I've never bonded with my parents as we never really did anything growing up, in my early life I've often looked for mother/father figures to fill that void but to not much success. Nowadays I've pretty much given up on this and focus on simply improving myself, which is not easy to do inside an emotional vacuum as humans do need to be fed at an emotional level.

But it's rather rough, because this kind of absence can emotionally stunt you and make you perceive yourself forever as a child, which hamstrings growth. It's a very very difficult task to learn how to function inside this emotional vacuum as an independent adult, I do not like that society sets people up for this.

But this world is a very broken place, and it's essentially the blind leading the blind most of the time -- children having children. I don't know how one can fill that emotional attachment but I will say to focus on friendships, or maybe go to where older ladies congregate? Like say church? Chances are there a few ladies that would love to adopt you in that way. An older generation might have precisely what you are looking for.

But you have my sympathies, I know precisely how you feel and it's not your fault, this world is just a messed up place full of broken people. But be sure not to ever get angry at her or your mother as that solves nothing, they are also just people trying to make whatever they can work. Never stew on resentment no matter what.

This is kind of different, but I have serious fear of abandonment issues. And they haven't subsided w/age, not thus far anyway. I've told this story several times on different random threads, so sorry if it's repetitive to read again. My mom was the opposite of yours, Quiet, she over-mothered and spoiled me and b/c my dad was always working, I was never really close w/him (he had me in middle-age too so that was another barrier). But I was definitely too close w/my and honestly was financially dependent on her until even after she died b/c I've never really been able to hold down a job for more than a few months.

My Dad died in 2006 and my mom in 2011, but even before that I had major fear of abandonment issues going way back, at least to primary school. It was worst whenever graduations from school would come up: my big ones were 6th grade, the end of 12th grade and high school, graduating college, my 3 year on and off relationship w/my ex and then both the deaths of my parents and problems w/grad school (both getting into a PhD program which is my goal and I have yet to achieve and staying in the 2 Masters programs I've been in). The school graduations and in grad school getting kicked out were always hell for me b/c after finally making a few friends (a process that would take me years to achieve), we would end up leaving each other to move onto the next stage in life.

I remember finishing high school as one particularly agonizing time b/c I only saw the future as black, i.e. I didn't see a future at all for myself, plus I had a major crush on a friend of mine and I had to leave her too. That led into a weird weekend where I visited her house and then went off for my first trip abroad ever when I went to West Africa, a trip which was an absolute disaster. This sort of thing also happened for me back in 6th grade and when I finished college, as I said. And many times during those years, I developed very strong crushes (always unrequited, except for my abusive relationship from the end of college till 3 years afterward) that honestly caused me years of pain. But losing friends each time I had to finish a given level of school was also hard.

I have more to add, but I have to go so I'll finish this post tomorrow.

okay i guess i need to write one more useful post. for one, longing for attachment is more than normal. its just one basic need every normal person has. and some of us dont get it fulfilled like it technically should. and while ur story is no doubt tragic, having grown apart, having felt abandonned, it still is somewhat well, bittersweet. because the person in question did not betray ur trust in them. like had happened a lot in my life, when i felt like the same for wrong people, and got hurt a lot when they backstabbed me before i saw it coming. i also had lost a lot of relationships like that in different ways, and it allways hurt, no matter what exactly happened. i got terribly paranoid about losing more, and that grates on relationships i have now. because i am constantly dreading it'd end, and sometimes that is the exact reason things go south. the moment, when the scars u bear start defining u. the sorrow over what was lost, will not disperse. lose some intensity but never go. and sometimes, reunions happen. old, burned out friendships can spark up again, and become more powerful than before. it takes a lot of work, a lot of faith leaps, a lot of stepping over one;s phobia of being rejected. u need some time to heal up. u do matter. even if i didnt know u, u matter to me, because i share ur feelings, and feel the need to try to make it easier for u in that way. enough to break my word i just yesterday gave to not post on wp again. because u matter. and as others here had pointed out, u matter to the person u wrote about, too. there is a lot of hurdle for people, who happen to care about people like us. i know that too well as well, because one person i care about a LOT is like that too. so i am on both ends of this line at a same time, and can understand both u and the other person. who definitely does care for u, and also feels somewhat sad that ur trust in them had dwindled, that u somewhat push them away without wanting to. the damage we suffer as unloved children, never can really go away. that void doesnt get filled. ever. i know it in myself, in my dear ones, in other people like that i;ve met. we are not taught to accept affection. i am lucky to have met some people, who really are trying to teach an adult me that way. i am really trying to be that person for others. if i just make u feel a little bit better, its worth breaking a word. here goes long and maybe unreadible post. im sorry for no formatting, i've been too torn lately, im still too raw, and here is the pure torrent of emotion for u. we are one, at least on this matter. u are not and never will be alone, as long as u accept this sense of unity in ur own mind. and u might change more han u yet know. to the better.

Welcome to wrong planet!

I also have serious attachment issues. I've wanted a relationship but I don't experience sexual attraction to anyone and most people end up attacking me because they feel like I took advantage of them. Sometimes I want to give up the relationship aspect but the thought of possibly finding someone like myself is what keeps me looking.

I do have a very close relationship to my family but that's it. I am bad with touch, or with any kind of affectionate behavior and I often wish I wasn't. When I do show affection it feels forced and fake. To be perfectly honest, I feel lost in this society.

Thank you for your replies.


I know deep down she cares for me as she always says she does and that she thinks about me often but to me, it is all words. Yes, there have been times where we have talked for a whole afternoon but then she is really silent. Even when I message her. And it's enough to drive me to distraction. She knows this, too and still carries on ignoring me. At least that's what it feels like.


The last message I received from her was last Sunday when she said she hadn't been able to Facetime because her ex-foster son had been admitted to hospital for pneumonia and his dad had been sent back to prison for beating up his girlfriend and so she was a bit emotionally drained - which is understandable and I said that.


Yeah, her decision to foster was partly because of me too. My husband thinks she's not really come to terms with things, either but I know she was planning on having another baby but she couldn't do it hence the reason for fostering.


I tried communicating with her today by sending a sticker via Facebook messenger but again there was nothing, and I have been doing nothing but crying and it's pathetic. It has taken all my strength to not be sh***y about it and ask her outright why she is giving me the cold shoulder recently but the thought of her not being completely rested from her draining week stopped me. And yet I still feel weak. Because anyone else would call out this behaviour. And I doubt everyone else in her part of the world goes weeks without contact as she does.


I try so hard not to resent her but sadly I do. I resent her for moving away, I resent the way she has let things go between us, I resent her saying things that she couldn't possibly live up to but I don't hate her. I just struggle so much with the situation. I know she had to go because it was the right thing for her family but did it mean she had to leave me behind totally? If so, the best thing for her to do was end contact. It's also really hard not to resent my mum as my siblings had to go and live with their dad after years of neglect and abuse from various partners. Maybe I am just angry with the amount of injustice that lies in our stories.


She suggested going to church a few years back but with me not being religious I said it's a little weird going somewhere when you don't share those sort of beliefs. I'd feel like a phoney I suppose. And I am terrified of people, too. I don't have any friends anymore. After her visit, I had a really bad mental breakdown. I was prescribed everything under the sun and I didn't tell anybody because I felt pathetic and weak. But I felt I couldn't confide in any of them too. One of my friends accused someone else I was friends with of attention seeking because she was self-harming. And she knew I'd had problems with mental health in the last and she couldn't wait to change the subject.


I don't know how to go about healing myself. I have been trying to do that for the past few years but nobody professional seems to have a clue. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2017 I was assessed to see another Psychologist but the assessor came to the conclusion that I just needed to focus on the present but it's really difficult. The first Psychologist I saw made a point of me having issues that I needed resolving but they totally overlooked that.


I want to scream and shout at her but I know all that will accomplish is widening the gap between us... Well, if it can get any bigger .


I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. But i will still be here even if I don't want to be because I'm a coward.

Sorry for the long post again.

QuietOne, it seems that your issue with this adult mentor/friend is not being connected, but having to share her. (with other kids, her husband, even with her own personal life needs).

It may be an example of all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking.

When you expect her to Facebook you back the same day, and she doesn't, and you feel hurt, remind yourself that she does maintain a connection with you, and you are glad she does. She is not holding off messaging you just to hurt you. She has other things going on in her life!

Try to be grateful for the efforts she does make ... and meanwhile find other people who can partially fill your need for important others in your life.

i do have that boogey of not being answered. especially by my loved ones. it takes a lot of work to learn to give ppl space. my dear people know about it, and they do their best to keep me posted, and that way i know if i didnt get a reply, there was a reason for it. its a hard thing to learn (i know, having done so more or less and yet failing sometimes), but u really need to keep urself in reality that way. that u cant own a person. not even a spouse, let alone a friend. u can be a part of someone's life, an important part at that, but not the entire contense of somebody;s life. there must be SOME healthy distance. and resenting somebody for having other people in her life is not healthy. that being said, i was like that. and i was burned for it more than once. i am trying very hard to give my dear ones the space they need, the rest they need, and to distribute the pressure i present so that nobody gets overloaded. sometimes i fail.

Question: I'm logged into my account on WP, but why can't I edit my previous post? I wasn't finished.

edit has a timeout. write a new one.

I do understand that she needs other people in her life and if it came across otherwise it wasn't intended. We aren't connected in any way apart from messaging each other and that is the biggest issue for me. And I know I have no control over what she does or doesn't do and again that is also an issue for me.

There has never been a time where I haven't asked myself am I being controlling here, or am I trying to be manipulative on purpose? So, yes I am aware that my actions are wrong all the time. And as I said I probably need professional help for this but that's hard when I have been turned away all the time because they think I just need other things to occupy my mind.

Maybe they're right but it is increasingly difficult when you are terrified of the outside world and prefer the safety of your own home rather than talking one to one with a complete stranger who may make assumptions. So, that talk isn't particularly useful, I find.

Maybe I am a crappy person. It's not something I can rule out. And I don't want to be a crappy person any more than the next person.

Up until last Christmas, she would always keep me updated with things and now she has stopped. Hence the reason why I am on edge and confused and I like neither. She has also said that she speaks to me more than her own sister which I find quite bizarre but I guess it's her way of saying I bug her and I know I do and need to stop.

I just don't know how I can do it.

u are not a crappy person. but u are damaged person, same way as me. and yes i know all about agrarophobia. all my friendships happen in chat, and it doesnt make things less real. its just a communications method. so. knowing the issues u have is first step. then starts long, hard, with a lot of setbacks, work on gradually bringing those issues down. its not easy. sometimes my friends do freak out at me, when i overload them. they know that i know about my problem and accept critics, and sometimes need a little push. so well. never take a person for granted. be grateful to them for their emotional investment in u, and dont forget to tell them so, and to tell them u appreciate them, lack of feedback makes... bad things happen. that being said, i do care about u and i dont write about problems, to write about problems. i hope to help u that way, given that i have met and partially overcome same challelnges. and i know how hard it is, and how good it feels on the other side. i am here for u, the way i can be

Thank you!

I don't have any adult friends, so getting support is impossible. Most of my friends have contact with my mum, and some have not spoken to me since I have cut her off.

I don't know what my first step should be right now. I need to get my issues sorted and move on. Finding out how is half the battle, I guess.

This topic got me a little choked up, I can relate.

Nothing is wrong with you. How you are acting is a very common coping mechanism to being abused as a child. Not only direct abuse, but also a lack of positive caring. Emotional neglect.

I want to encourage you, if you can at all get access to it, to try out psychotherapy.
There are trained people who know this stuff really well, it's hard to know what's happening just from writing on a forum, really.
And even if further therapy turns out not to be to your liking, you still had somebody external to get this off your chest.

well the one im seing now is, that terror of loss. u are so afraid to lose ur connection, u are basically running away from it. paradoxal. and i am like that, a lot. i left communities i like, i f****d up contact with ppl i liked. because u start panicking, and basically doing exactly the opposite of what u would in a calmer mind. so first things first, deal with that panick mode. u need to well, remind urself, each time, of like 5 reasons a person could be delaying with answer for legit reasons. like meditation on it. remind urself they care about u, remind urself everybody has limits and fatigue. including u, btw. come here, or direct to my PM if u need to relieve that fear by talking about it. tho i could also answer not instantly - i have a kid, i have a lot of contacts, duties and things tbd. i can be asleep. but i see u writing, i answer. because i too do give a f**k. about u, and about quite a lot of other people. i kinda have to recreate intuitive steps i took. remember all the conversations that pushed me in the right direction. it can take time, and i might not come up with good info instantly. but i will try. keep in touch)