It's really not as easy as you think

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The_Face_of_Boo
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06 May 2019, 3:57 am

Define “to settle down”.



hurtloam
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06 May 2019, 4:40 am

Good question.

I guess I just want to go out with someone and see how it goes at first and just enjoy each others company with us both hoping it could lead to something long term I.e. living together and marriage... eventually.

Last time I was asked out the guy got cold feet before we even went on the date and decided he didn't want a relationship with me. He was really serious about dumping me and making it clear nothing was gonna hapoen, even though we weren't even dating.

I said nothing to him in between the asking and the date. It was 2 days. I have no idea what happened, but it's really knocked my faith in men and my confidence.

The guy before that invited me to something, then uninvited me... within an hour. He seemed to think it was a fun idea at first, but made it clear he didn't want anyone thinking we were "a thing".

It's like I'm sexy in the moment and it all seems fun, but having anyone else think we're a serious couple is a huge no no.

I'm not even asking for anything or talking about anything serious with them :roll:



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 May 2019, 4:57 am

Do you think the last guy wants to get married and have children?



hurtloam
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06 May 2019, 5:16 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Do you think the last guy wants to get married and have children?


Married yes, children no.



rdos
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06 May 2019, 1:04 pm

Antrax wrote:
rdos wrote:
I don't think trying to communicate verbally is a reasonable alternative. Especially since many NDs have trouble talking about feelings and picking up other's emotional state. Not only that, I think many prefer to just know what their partner wants & thinks without having to talk about it. I certainly do, and I value being able to do that nonverbally highly.


You may want to brush up on your ASD criteria:

DSM 5 wrote:
2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.


Most people on the spectrum are probably better off with verbal communication at least in the early stages. I can see how if you know the same person for a long time you can pick up on their non-verbals but that will not be the case in the early stages of asking someone out or beginning a relationship.


I don't care much about diagnostic criteria for ASD. They were written down with zero understanding of neurodiversity. As such, they are completely worthless for understanding both neurodiversity and ASD. In fact, what the ASD diagnosis describes is incompatibility between NTs and NDs, not what abilities NDs have naturally.



rdos
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06 May 2019, 1:13 pm

Antrax wrote:
XFilesGeek wrote:
^ He literally thinks autistic people can form "mind-to-mind" links and communicate via "telepathy." :roll:


When they were handing out Vulcan powers to autistics they only gave me logical thinking and forgot to give me super-strength and telepathy.


It's not like you just magically can communicate with other NDs. It requires a lot of effort to setup, and if you just see a girl a few times on dates, there is not a chance you will experience it. There is a reason why NDs tend to get deep and long-lived infatuations and obsessions, and that reason is to allow for developing a mind-to-mind communication link.



Fnord
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06 May 2019, 1:24 pm

There is no evidence to support the claim of mind-to-mind communication (a.k.a., "Telepathy").

For some strange reason, human beings like to lie to each other (deception) and to themselves (delusion).

To simulate telepathy, they will use all kinds of non-verbal signals to communicate, which can give the appearance of mind-to-mind communication. They use glances (up, down, right, left for the four suits of a deck of cards, for example), coughs, sighs, yawns, and noises with their shoes. Other fakers use Morse code with coins and various other tricks known to stage magicians like Penn and Teller. Sometimes gestures to various parts of the body have a prearranged meaning.

All of this to convince others that they have special "powers" that no one else has, but that may be obtained for a larger up-front fee or a lifetime subscription fee for training that does nothing and benefits no-one.


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rdos
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06 May 2019, 1:44 pm

Unlike all of that, ND mind-to-mind communication links don't cost anything but a lot of effort to create. There is no need for a course and you cannot learn how to do it from magicians (not to mention which are typically fake). All you need to do is to act naturally and go with your natural instinct to get strong infatuations & obsessions, and then nature might give one to you for free.

As is evidenced by the L & D forum, most people that had similar experiences keep them to themselves or believe they got fooled or carried away. It's a different story when you talk to people in private or ask them questions about "supernatural" experiences.

And, no, there is no non-verbal signals involved since we can do it at a distance and without seeing each other physically.

Here is an "excercise" you can try, and you are allowed to use any kind of nonverbal signals you like:
Person A is placed behind a house. Person B is placed at the opposite side of the house. Person B is then instructed to go around the house at any time he/she wishes to while person A is instructed to keep out of sight, but must keep close to the house. If person A can keep out of sight while person B repeatedly and randomly goes around the house then something more than nonverbal signals must be present.



Last edited by rdos on 06 May 2019, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hurtloam
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06 May 2019, 1:59 pm

No you don't!

Not on my thread

Take this discussion elsewhere please.

Although, saying that it's been had over and over, does it really need re-hashed (rhetorical question)

Stop hijacking the L&D threads rdos!



Fnord
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06 May 2019, 2:06 pm

rdos wrote:
Unlike all of that, ND mind-to-mind communication links don't cost anything but a lot of effort to create. There is no need for a course and you cannot learn how to do it from magicians (not to mention which are typically fake). All you need to do is to act naturally and go with your natural instinct to get strong infatuations & obsessions, and then nature might give one to you for free. As is evidenced by the L & D forum, most people that had similar experiences keep them to themselves or believe they got fooled or carried away. It's a different story when you talk to people in private or ask them questions about "supernatural" experiences. And, no, there is no non-verbal signals involved since we can do it at a distance and without seeing each other physically.
Stories about alleged experiences do not prove anything except an over-active imagination on the part of the story-teller. Also, a person under the effects of limerance can be made to believe anything -- that a mass-murderer on death row is really a saint, for instance, or that a man who has fathered 11 children by 7 women is loyal, faithful, and true.

Mind-to-mind communication (a.k.a., "Telepathy") is all deception and/or delusion.


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Fnord
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06 May 2019, 2:13 pm

hurtloam wrote:
... I guess I just want to go out with someone and see how it goes at first and just enjoy each others company with us both hoping it could lead to something long term I.e. living together and marriage... eventually...
Enjoying each others' company is a good start. In fact, it seems to be how most romances get started in the first place -- you enjoy their company, they enjoy yours, and pretty soon you are enjoying each others' company to the exclusion of all others'!

I think, however, that the lack of romantic expectations may be an important factor. You start off as "just friends", and then one day you realize that you can't live without each other! I see that happen more often than not.


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SaveFerris
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06 May 2019, 2:30 pm

Can we please respect the OP's wishes and keep on topic.

I'm only going to say this once. Final Warning. I am not in the mood for messing around.


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hurtloam
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06 May 2019, 2:38 pm

Fnord wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
... I guess I just want to go out with someone and see how it goes at first and just enjoy each others company with us both hoping it could lead to something long term I.e. living together and marriage... eventually...
Enjoying each others' company is a good start. In fact, it seems to be how most romances get started in the first place -- you enjoy their company, they enjoy yours, and pretty soon you are enjoying each others' company to the exclusion of all others'!

I think, however, that the lack of romantic expectations may be an important factor. You start off as "just friends", and then one day you realize that you can't live without each other! I see that happen more often than not.


I really thought that had happened to me. At first I was interested in his friend and he was just this quirky quiet guy we knew.

Yada, yada, yada... It didn't work out.



Sabreclaw
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07 May 2019, 7:06 am

So why don't you just do online dating then? You'll have countless options to chose from. Just find a guy who seems alright and start talking to him. You'll almost certainly get a reply and can then see how things go from there.



hurtloam
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07 May 2019, 7:24 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
So why don't you just do online dating then? You'll have countless options to chose from. Just find a guy who seems alright and start talking to him. You'll almost certainly get a reply and can then see how things go from there.


First gut response....

It scares me.



MaxE
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07 May 2019, 6:29 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
So why don't you just do online dating then? You'll have countless options to chose from. Just find a guy who seems alright and start talking to him. You'll almost certainly get a reply and can then see how things go from there.


First gut response....

It scares me.
I have seen a couple of women on WP do online dating via OkCupid and two in particular eventually got into long-term relationships, which to the best of my knowledge haven't ended, although one of those 2 basically left WP once her love life was sorted out. Both were in their mid to late 20s, but it might work for you. I can't tell you how not to be scared though.

In other words, I have thought about this thread, and I do think there's a disconnect, because the men who are complaining are basically looking for any woman who will date them, and TBH also expect they would then have regular sex which doesn't necessarily make them bad people. They might welcome a long-term relationship but are basically just looking for someone to date them. In your case (I apologize in advance if I got it wrong) I don't think you believe yourself unable to find somebody interested in casual dating but despair of finding a long-term partner. Which I totally understand, but I still think it a cause for miscommunication so far as some regular posters are concerned.


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