Forcing Myself to Remain Alive

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Hi, I'm trying to figure out a way that I could make enough money to survive without becoming a danger to myself or other people. So far I have delivered newspapers (my parents arranged this), taught trumpet lessons to kids (my parents arranged this also), worked at a community garden/farmer's market, worked at an urban farm, and freelance landscaping work for people I already knew.

I should probably say that the only thing I am interested in pursuing in this life is access to a large amount of raw land in Appalachia to create a wildlife sanctuary and food forest that anyone can come to without any transactions involved (I'd also like to create a community there and maybe even a school of Ecosystem Habitation to teach people about local ecological economics, water systems, and whatever else people volunteer to work with others about at a public gathering place on this land). I have no interest in renting an apartment or a room in a house or buying a house built by someone else at any point in my life so I will only be saving money towards the creation of this biological sanctuary.

With this in mind, I would be trying to make enough money to buy at least 10 acres of land as quickly as possible. I moved back into my parent's house last year so I will be able to save all that I make but...

Every transaction I have been part of has made me feel absolutely horrible and I ended up quitting every job I've had in the middle of a work day without warning. It seems like it has actually manifested as severe physical pain without injury most recently and I thought I physically could not continue. The last job I had was one and a half years ago and since then I have constantly been trying to figure out what to do next. I cannot wrap my head around giving someone else (who I almost certainly will not admire) the agency to direct my behavior in exchange for money.

I have had plenty of experience receiving opposition and being made fun of for my views relating to money and economics, so I would ask if you are going to say something to try to make me feel stupid, please just don't reply instead... I would appreciate any constructive suggestions or thoughts though.. Also, if I didn't provide enough information I would be glad to try to explain more that is relevant to coming up with an appropriate way for me to survive in this world besides just living in my parent's house until the city inevitably drives me to take my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read, if you did. I hope you will experience good things, whether or not you read this or have anything to say.

Is this a rant or a résumé?

I'm looking for people's thoughts or suggestions on the topic, as I mentioned in the post.

Last edited by HabitatBranch on 07 May 2019, 7:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yvan Eht Nioj

Fnord, Please don't reply to this thread again.

Listen, new member with only 3 posts, there is a special subforum where respondents are asked to be especially sensitive and gentle - called the Haven. Any other place in the forums, you are expected to be able to tolerate suggestions as long as you are not being openly derided.

I will say that you are very idealistic about what you will and won't do, to the extent that you aren't even sure you can survive. It's an error. I didn't call you stupid, but your all-or-nothing thought style, which is typical for many autistic people, is standing in your way.

You misunderstand, because you have different values. It is not standing in my way as I do not want the things it "keeps" me from. I'm not trying to create rules here, I'm just asking that people not treat me like I'm a joke, which happens every day repeatedly in pretty much every context I try to reach out to people.
It is not for anyone but me to decide if it is an error. I don't take your response as hostile, but it clearly is not addressing the issue that I was looking to address, so your reply seems inappropriate, to me.

Why?

Join the Navy, or any other military branch. Just commit to something that pays well and that you will learn from.

Or keep on as you are, and eventually discover that you've wasted years in dithering about making a decision.

Because you are clearly not taking the issue seriously. I realize now that it was a mistake to come to this website. I will remove my post and my account.

I am taking it seriously ... just not too seriously.

You can neither remove your posts nor your account.

I just discovered that. Goodbye.

See ya!

He'll be back.

They always come back.

Really? Oh I hope not ... because he called my post inappropriate. My self-esteem will never recover.

You're strong, Bea. I've seen you recover from worse.

Like that time someone accused you of deliberately logging in just to tell the truth...

Nice work guys , remind me not to hire you as greeters