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I understand that finding a relationship with women is quite difficult for most men with some form of autism diagnosis, though some are lucky to find one.

I only had one relationship about 6 years ago with another woman who was self-diagnosed as an aspie. Lasted 8 months. We didn't get along that well.

I am seeking a relationship with women, but it doesn't matter whether they are diagnosed or not. It's pretty hard! I can socialize and meet people and make casual friendships. I generally find it hard to maintain them though. Usually it seems that I have to stay interested in the other person to keep the friendship alive, or else we stop communicating. It's tiring. I study at school, work, play music, and exercise and only have limited resources for socializing.

Nonetheless, I can socialize and meet people. With women it's tricky! I don't know if this is true or not, but other men who advise me on dating say that women (neurotypicals) will throw "s**t tests" at men. I get a woman's text number. Text her to hang out. A handful of times one responded and we hung out for coffee. After that nothing further developed. Maybe she said something to see how I'd respond or to see if I am "worthy" of continuing any relationship (friend or dating) and I don't pass. Not sure about the truth of this!

Well, this is generally what happens. Women lose interest in me and will stop responding eventually. I try not to seem desperate. If I get her text number, I minimize texting and just text to schedule hangouts. If she doesn't respond to one text on hanging out again. I will text one and only one more time. If no reply then I assume she isn't interested anymore and delete her number.

I went onto reddit to ask for advice in dating section, and I got some short responses. Some said "maybe you're boring." Could be true! My conclusion from that answer is that if I act naturally, how I am without faking anything, that I'm just a boring human being. So means I'd have to pretend to be someone different. Put on some kind of show. I guess entertaining her?

So do any men on this forum with a diagnosis have any success in finding a relationship? Maybe overview how it developed if you are open to sharing? Tips? This is only a forum, so I don't expect miracle answers, but figured it might be good to speak with other men and their dating successes if any.

I have disabilities besides Aspergers that really limit me with finding a realtionship but I'll post how I got my 3 girlfriends.
I met my 1st on a forum over 15 years ago. It was when forums were more popular & it was for a common interest. We had other common interests & we also had some weird things in common like AD[H]D, dyslexia & OCD. She was also a bit younger than me & never knew her dad so she may of had some "daddy issues". We started chatting on messenger alot as friends & she fell for me. After she told me she liked me I realized I liked her. Things fell apart after a while thou due to our various issues. She had some drug & alcohol issues & was trying to quit when we got together & I was having alot of anxiety attacks worrying about her & became very controlling & very unstable.

I was single for 8 years after & never had any luck even getting a single date offline & online. I made LOTS of frustrated posts about it on various forums including this one. I also posted alot about what I wanted in a partner/relationship, the way I act within a realtionship, & things I have to offer/what I try & do to maintain the realtionship & keep a girl happy. A woman replied on this forum how she was interested in similar stuff & we chatted alittle & then jumped into a relationship. She was a lot younger than me & was in college taking courses in disability stuff. I suspect she saw me as kinda a special project. She broke up with me after 6 months partly cuz I was needy & clingy & she was more like a stereotypical Aspie in a relationship & wanted more space. She was also dependent on her parents to help pay for her college & apartment & other stuff & they were very conservative & wanted the relationship on their terms. I was willing to try & work with them but she got frustrated & decided it was best to meet someone more local so she could kinda keep things from her parents easier.

After a few months my current girlfriend sent me a PM on here cuz she had read a lot of my posts for a bit & was interested in me. She has a lot of disabilities & issues herself & likes that I can relate somewhat cuz of my various 1s & I try my best to be sportive. I moved from Louisiana to Vermont after about 8 months to be with her. I HATED living with my parents being unable to drive in a rural area with no public transportation. We moved to the city which has lots of stuff including buses. Things are going a lot better in this realtionship in some ways partly cuz she's also kinda needy & clingy & I got on anxiety & OCD medication around the time the 2nd relationship ended. We do have problems & arguments sometimes but we are both willing to stick it out & try to deal with things as best we can.

Anyways I HATED being single for 8 years & trying my best to meet women offline, online on various forums & on dating sites with no luck except bad(the bad was mostly with a couple of the women I met offline cuz they made things more difficult for me. The worst with the women online was they got upset & gripped at me a little & then we ignored each other). I would of tried the mail-order bride route if I had the money & resources & if I would of had my own place I would of taken in a girl who needed a place to stay(I knew a couple women online who were sorta couch surfing & would of been interested).

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you OP. I can certainly relate to trying & not getting anywhere with women. I think I basically just got lucky by putting myself out there so to speak.

You gave a great answer and some advice! : ) You gave good info on your own experience and progression with dating and revealed your own strategy of finding dates, such as pming women on forums. That's an interesting way to go about it.

Second relationship of yours is also interesting! Sort of feeling you were the guinea pig in her disability studies! Yet, she also was diagnosed. If family gets involved then it's probably too much conflict and not worth the pursuit, but that's my opinion.

I thought about mail order brides in the future. Heard one can get scammed and in a cruel way; if the bride decides to divorce the man and argue that she does not have any means to provide for herself, then there is some law that could potentially force the man to pay support to her for like 10 years. Idk if it's a real law, but heard it from people I talked to on reddit.

I try not to bring mail brides up anymore as most people get angered by the post and call me a sex trafficker, which could be seen in that way. I once posted on dating subreddit where I stated it seemed like only good looks and money would be the deal maker for a relationship. Was called sexist. I mostly just went by what I see in my daily life. BTW I live in NYC! Money is big here for both men and women so my worldview on dating is tunneled a little bit.

Maybe luck is the way it happens. Some people are destined (randomly so) to find their other half. Others are not!

You mentioned "$#!+ testing." Found a cool website that addresses that. Not sure if this is appropriate for WP because of the misogynist undertones, but I'm mentioning it to make a point.

[url=pass-$#!+-test]https://www.toddvdating.com/pass-shit-test/[/url]

I'm not comfortable with the idea that "women do it" because EVERYONE does. So you run the risk of going PUA when you start using s--- test language.

Is it a thing? Yeah, probably. It's blatantly misandrist, too. But you can also frame it as innocent flirtation, which I imagine most women who do this are thinking of it this way. If you can't handle a joke or a small degree of self-deprecation, you're really not worth her time.

I am attracted to the idea of "value" in potential relationships, and I don't mind explaining why: First of all, ALL people are valuable, all of us are important--to ourselves if to nobody else. So the idea of high-value vs. low-value is important because of how it reflects on one's own self-esteem. If YOU don't see yourself as important, why should anyone else? If you DO see yourself as important, why don't you ACT like you're important? It sounds selfish, and it is...but if you aren't self-important, how can you possibly value anyone else?

It's like this. If believe and act in such a way to make others more important than yourself, you are incapable of love. To love yourself means to believe and act in every way to benefit yourself. That means when you ask someone out on a date or you give someone a gift, it's because they are important enough to you that you do what it takes to keep them in your life, which in turn means you're looking after their well-being. You take care of them because it gives you selfish pleasure to do so. When you can show someone they mean that much to you, they're going to seek you out because they know that they will benefit from being with you. Giving gifts in that context is not a selfless act, either. You're not "being nice." You give her flowers, nice things, dinner, etc. because she has EARNED it or because she DESERVES it. If she'd done nothing to earn or deserve it, you'd be delusional. You're doing something nice because you want to spend time with her. She deserves nice things from you because she's committed to spending her valuable time with you.

Cheap or freebie dates, on the other hand, are just awful. It shows her time is not worth exchanging anything of value for. It shows she's not really worth anything to you. Similarly, if a man gives a woman gifts and she doesn't return the favor by going out with a guy and he insists on buying her things, blowing up her text messages, leaving unwanted voicemails, exploding her email inbox, etc., she clearly does not value him, has no interest him, doesn't WANT his "gifts," and he should just get lost. If he refuses, then he's delusional and potentially dangerous. The greatest good she can do for him is call for the men in white coats to take him back to the hospital. Even if a woman has no interest in a man, it's still possible to do nice things for her in an appropriate way if it can reasonably said that she has EARNED the favor.

The excrement test really just amounts to flirtation. That's all it is. There's no real pass/fail. All it means is two people are comparing values.

Her: Ok, so...what's with your hair?
Me: Ummmm...REALLY? That's all you got? What's with your intelligence?
Her: Did you really just ask me that?
Me: Yeah, I did...I'd say that makes us even. It was kinda fun, actually. Let's play again. I'll start. What's with your teeth?

Her: Ok, so...what's with your hair?
Me: Oh, THAT...hahah...well, there's a funny story about that. And judging by your FACE, I think you'll appreciate this. So one day I was mowing my lawn when suddenly______

Her: Ok, so...what's with your hair?
Me: Huh? Oh, I dunno. So what looks good? [point to menu]

It's what I heard and my issue is if it were true then am wondering if that's why I failed to date. If we call it flirtation then I may not be that good at it and need more practice.

I actually have never read much about these tests. When I learned about dating tips I mostly read about where to meet women and approaching them without seeming like a creep. Some guy mentioned it on a dating forum and said I had to pass several. I don't embrace all PUA beliefs and practices.

I value myself. I exercise and stay healthy, money is important to me and I am more of a "me first" type person.

Good script for a flirtation scenario. Thank you for the advice!

"ME FIRST"! !! FINALLY someone on here gets it!

Yeah, where to meet women and not look like a creep is the main thing. Don't worry about the tests. The article I posted I like because it points out the you get tested because a woman thinks of you has having value. She just wants to make sure you're not some kind of NiceGuy™ type with serious self-esteem/entitlement issues. If you're dating women that you already kinda know, you're not gonna get tested. I think what a lot of guys label as "testing" is really just a form of flirtation. If a woman pulls that on you, you can just say, "Ummmmm...ok, that was kinda weird. Are you feeling ok, or maybe do you want to try that again? Because I thought we were having a good time, so can we go back to that? That would be great, thanks!"

I had better luck with girls who weren't really into games, and they can be really hard to find. I must have written about my dating history to every other guy on here a few dozen times, but my darkest moment was after a breakup that was too many years coming. Pretty much ran after anything and everything female with varying degrees of success. What might make you feel better is knowing I'd pretty much given up on women at this point and was perfectly ready to be alone for the rest of my life. It took a couple years before I finally reached that "y'know, I really don't care" stage. Prior to that I kept running into women who were at the end-stages of relationships anyway, and I was only too happy to, um...aid and comfort. I eventually made it to the point I could walk out of a relationship simultaneously with a broken heart AND a sense of inner peace--sad that it had to end, but feeling safe knowing that everything was ok and that the sun will rise and I'll meet someone else.

Being all "me first" was something that took a long time to fully grasp. I'm never going back to dating. But I do regret not having a "me first" attitude back when I was dating because it was so much more difficult being single or getting dumped when so much of who I was had been defined by who I was with. I tied my self-worth to another person, or to having someone at all, and then had to wonder why I was so freakin' miserable.

All that to say...I don't know your dating history, how many gf's, etc., but I can tell already you're on the right track. Just keep at it and you'll do just fine. The advice you got from someone else about tests? I wouldn't really give it much more thought. A lot of woman-bashing happens among guys that talk to each other in those terms. Women are just people, not unlike men. You want to understand women? First understand yourself. I could give a TON more advice on understanding women (studying women's media, for example), but understanding yourself is the best first step. Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you're willing to work for. Then find THOSE women and hang out with them. It won't take a few weeks before you get at least one date.

"Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you're willing to work for. Then find THOSE women and hang out with them.”

^^^^^This!! !!

There are tons of people who are incompatible; figure out who would be good with you and look to make connections with those sorts....

I really agree with Rho's posts like 90% of the time.

I don't expect to find very many women who are straight forward. I've been single for 6 years, but have had some hangouts with women and a little bit of hook ups. Coffee, and sometimes a drink at say a wine bar. We never explicitly said we were on a date, so therefore they are not dates to me and just hangouts.

After I broke up with my ex 6 years ago (only gf) I talked online with another woman with same diagnosis on an old dating website aspieaffection. It's gone now I think. She just got dumped by a guy cheating on her, had some roommate try and attack her with knife, so was basically suffering ptsd and loneliness. We got attached. Skyped from evening till 5am some days. She would fall asleep in front of web cam. Tell me personal things like saying "sorry I was being a b***h; was on my period." I was about to visit her in Austin, TX, but she found some local guy. I think I was just used as a temporary "shoulder to lean on" until she found someone local. So, end of story.

Since then I've had no gf, and a couple flings in college with study partners. I socialize when I have time and the energy, but it's not often. I'd say once a month at most for past year. Like at Meetups, or school events. A few Match.com events. All were meh.

I had a male friend who parted ways with me not too long ago. We played basketball against other players on courts in city park, and did cross training together. He taught me some good skills at weight lifting and calisthenics. I'm just mentioning this guy to show that I'm not all obsessed with women. I have interests in some men for platonic friendships.

I have a good idea on who I am.

I think if somebody neurodiverse can find a date within a short time, it's bound to be somebody neurotypical and there will be incompatibility and the chance of it working out would be extremely low. That's a sure path to failure. Don't let yourself be fooled by the big numbers claims or that it would be good training. It will be complete failure, and there is no need to try to make it sound like a good idea.

Instead people should realize thay finding a compatible partner or soul mate as neurodiverse requires a lot of time and effort. With effort I don't mean learning dating tricks or PUA. Not getting large social networks. Not getting a successful career. Sure, all of those are nice for you, but they don't lead to successful relationships.

Yes, you need to get to know yourself, but that is not your neurotypical alter ego, rather your own quirks and preferences.

^^^rhoades24, I'd like you to meet our resident pessimist and ND-supremacist rdos.

I'm an optimist, not a pessimist. You confused not believing that dating works for NDs with being pessimistic.

rdos,

Okay you mentioned everything that doesn't work. What does work?

I don't mind pessimistic answers. Depending on day and what mood I'm in I feel a lot of pessimism.

In fact, feeling that way now.

I think this is true: for men, a big factor in dating, especially online, is how handsome they look. Women and men look for other things in the other person, but looks account for much of package. Visual beings we are.

Based on my experience with online dating, I can guess I don't score that high on the handsome/good looking chart. That might be a limiting factor in my success. In many cases, no amount of compensating for bad looks, say through personality or charm, can allow one to get a partner they deem attractive. I'd call it biology!

That's a harsh part of reality I'm learning to face. Finding ways to cope with that.

Thanx. I hope it helps you & others in some way.

I can understand family having some involvement but not being alone together until we're married was abit much. She then asked them what if we were married(I would of in a heartbeat) & they would of cut her off financially. I felt our our relationship had been kinda one-sided for a while cuz or that & other issues. I thought part of it was cuz she was in collage & cuz of the age difference. I didn't wanna take advantage or anything. I was thinking things would improve if we were married. There were other issues too but I shouldn't go into em all. I don't regret the relationship & I still love her just as I still love my 1st but I accept we're better off not in each other's lives.

I heard of scams when I posted about it too. She would most likely lose her green-card thou so it seems like a hassle to go through just to get alimony, especially if the guy doesn't have a high income.

I also posted about how I would of preferred an arranged marriage instead of our current system of dating. I've met some people online & off who had arranged marriages & I've known some people online & off who went the mail-order bride route. All the offline 1s had good success(not that I've met many thou) whereas some of the people got screwed online but people can get screwed meeting romantic partners other ways too. I was never called sex-trafficker but I also posted a lot about how I'm demisexual; I'm not interested in sex outside of a serious romantic realtionship & I do like it OK but don't need it in a romantic realtionship either. It seems like lots of people get together by hooking up & just having sexual flings which I would NOT be into. It does seem like looks & money are big factors for some, more so the money. I've also seen lots of women offline going for older guys, like women who are in their early 20s or older teens going for guys in their 30s. I don't mind the idea of being with younger women & done it with both my exes. I don't relate to older women & an older woman was more likely to treat me like I was her kid. I didn't want kids either thou which older women were more likely to have. I've been called misogynist for some of my more frustrated posts. I didn't just suddenly have my views. I gradually developed them by being single & trying for 8 years. Running in place & seeing others having no problems at all getting women made me question what might of worked for them.

I also think luck is a big part of it for some people.

Well, I did give hints at what does work. The most important is to be yourself and don't learn or expect NT related stuff. If something doesn't feel right it's not meant to be, and so it's better to avoid it. There typically is a reason why it doesn't feel right, or even that you are unable to do it.

Some examples:

Asking out feels wrong for many NDs, yet many are given advice to practice it anyway and many try their best to go against their nature. The reason ND guys shouldn't ask girls out is that a natural ND relationship doesn't start with talking and verbal contact. It ends with talking. It was meant to be that way because you cannot create a mind-to-mind connection if you introduce talking early in the process, and so evolution put in a "blocking" that makes it hard for guys to approach and ask out. This "blocking" is not meant to be "overcome". It's meant to be accepted and understood.

Sex is another area that creates many problems. For instance, not even half of ND women like the typical sexual behavior, which gives a strong hint that a guy that thinks it should be that way will have poor success with compatible girls. Many guys also identify as asexual, so it's not a problem confined only to girls. Evolution had something in mind here too. When a mind-to-mind connection is formed, it can be used to have mental sex, and this is just as good as the "real" thing, and doesn't clash with asexuality.

Sharing emotions is very important in a relationship. When NDs try to solve this by talking about feelings they are going against their nature too, and it works pretty poorly precisely because it is not natural. In relationships with NTs, it might be the best thing to do, but many NT women complain about this with their ND guys. In the natural state of things, emotions are shared mind-to-mind, and not by talking about feelings.

Finally, there is the issue of motivation and mutual support. Poor motivation is a very common trait in NDs, and giving and receiving compliments is not natural for NDs. Here, too, evolution must have had something in mind because these things are so important for survivial. Turns out that this is also part of a functional mind-to-mind connection.

These examples shows that without a functional mind-to-mind connection NDs cannot form optimal relationships, and so this is the primary issue. As was initially claimed, asking out and talking are the primary threats to functional mind-to-mind connections. I think there is a lot of evidence that this is the most problematic things "taught" to NDs. First, many ND girls will not react favorably to being asked out. They will either out right reject, or startup their NT dating game playing which puts everything in an NT context. In the natural state, NDs don't ask if somebody is interested or not, rather this is shown with some kind of effort. That's why ND girls don't handle being "asking out" very well. Additionally, when a guy got a "no", it means he cannot continue to try to solicit interest from that girl anymore because he has been rejected, and so he has lost one potential partner forever. That's also why ND guys take rejections badly. It's not natural for NDs to be rejected since soliciting interest is an ongoing process, and when they involve in it they cannot be rejected, only ignored. The worse scenario is when a ND guy has gained substantial interest from a girl, and then decides to "ask her out", and get rejected. That's what leads to stalking. So the most important rule is: NEVER ASK A GIRL YOU KNOW IS INTERESTED OUT! If you must talk to her, and you feel you are at the appropriate point, ask her to be your girlfriend instead.

Infatuation and attachment also works in concert with all of this. NDs easily get strong infatuations that can live for a long time, and these fasciliates putting down a lot of effort on your love interest. Stronger infatuations leads to stronger attachments too, which gives a clue that ND relationships should be based on an initial crush. Not only that, but dating (asking out) a crush kills the infatuation and creates a poor attachment. So, in the natural state of an ND relationship, infatuations create the necessary motivation to put down a lot of effort on a love interest, and as time passes, this role is then gradually taken over by a mind-to-mind connection. In fact, when the mind-to-mind connection is good enough, the infatuation no longer serves any purpose, and so disappears. When things don't happen this way (the infatuation dies before the mind-to-mind connection takes over), the motivation to put down a lot of effort on your partner vanishes, and with it the potential for a healthy relationship.

So, does this mean that NDs cannot use verbal communication before they have a functional mind-to-mind connection? Not quite. I think the issue is that they cannot use verbal conversation in a way that makes the brain skip trying to infer intentions & feelings nonverbally. The brain is lazy, and if intentions & feelings are communicated verbally, the brain will not try to decode them nonverbally (mind-to-mind). That's where monologue comes in. You can use monologue to communicate interests & preferences, and this won't interfere with forming a functional mind-to-mind connection. This has the advantage that when there is disagreement on something, you must solve it mind-to-mind, which helps the brain to create the connection. Of course provided you don't cheat and try to solve your misunderstandings with verbal discussion.

There also seems to be some evidence that ND guys can get a crush based on very specific criteria, and so this is not as random as might be expected. Basically every time I got a strong crush it was preceded with "girl in front of guy". For instance, the college girl triggered me repeatedly by sitting in front of me in the classroom, which led me to "waste" most of my 20s on an impossible thing.

I'm not a fan of arranged marriages, but whatever. If you're interested one part of the world where that's still the usual type of marriage is South Asia (India, etc.). You can look up more on it if you want.