The kind of guys I like, I don't think exist irl

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KT67
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15 May 2019, 2:22 pm

I'm bi but I only want to date women, after years of trying guys. I had one 'relationship' when I was young which was like a gay male one (and abusive, I was way too young for an age gap). Then I had ones where I had to play the feminine part.

I want a feminine guy who wants a masculine woman. I want to take charge.

All the guys I've liked haven't had good ideas of what boundaries were. The first guy actually said he didn't take no for an answer. Another one said he wanted to do bdsm and if I wanted to be in any sort of a relationship, platonic or otherwise, I had to go along with it. This was after he isolated me from everyone else. Another guy, I specifically set limits and said I didn't want that, again he isolated me then just started hitting me in a sexual way and threatening me in a non sexual way when I had nobody else to talk to. Yes, I had home but I was scared they'd 'ban' me from dating at all. The second two guys really liked me to dress feminine and guilted me when I wouldn't. I only feel comfortable dressing basically like a guy.

Thing is, I don't feel as if the sort of guy I'd want - who dresses more feminine than me, who respects boundaries, who lets me lead things - actually exists. So I don't get the point of being openly bi rather than saying I'm gay. All it leads to when I tell guys I'm into guys is pressure from guys I find unattractive to get into those sorts of relationships. I never found any of those three guys attractive physically, it just felt as if I 'had' to date them.

So what I'm wondering is, does anyone have any counter egs? Or anything I could do so that if I did get into a relationship with a guy it was what I wanted? Someone who respects me for being the way I am and doesn't break boundaries or try to isolate me from my friends and social contacts. I feel like this could be an aspie thing and could also all stem back to that first relationship (I was 13 and he was in his 30s, see what I mean by 'abusive')

I've had a long distance thing with a 'pretty boy' I suspect to be gay (it was literally just text flirtations) and a fling with similar but he kept trying to avoid me... I feel like straight guys just don't want to date anyone that masculine or who takes charge or even, the ones I attract, who sets boundaries and wants a 'no' to be respected.



Fnord
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15 May 2019, 2:31 pm

So you want a guy who cross-dresses, and who "fems it up" more than you, but who would also be interested in you sexually ... ?

Somehow, the stereotypical Broadway Chorus Boy or cast member of La Cage aux Folles comes to mind.


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Antrax
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15 May 2019, 2:40 pm

They exist, but are not your "standard guy" so you would have to do some searching if you want your effeminate passive guy interested in a strong masculine women.

The real problem with your past relationships is that you have been dating awful guys. I suspect it's because either you aren't attracted to the all-around decent guy or the all-around decent guy is not attracted to you.


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sly279
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15 May 2019, 2:45 pm

I’m more feminine and submissive but I dress like guy and like guy stuff. I’m just more emotional and not into getting dirty or manly stuff. Like muddling,or hunting, I’m not s physical guy, I’m quite weak. Don’t care how women dress.

I’d prefer w female lead relationship. But still treated equal with input. Most women I’ve seen want a strong dominant man.


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sly279
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15 May 2019, 2:46 pm

Antrax wrote:
They exist, but are not your "standard guy" so you would have to do some searching if you want your effeminate passive guy interested in a strong masculine women.

The real problem with your past relationships is that you have been dating awful guys. I suspect it's because either you aren't attracted to the all-around decent guy or the all-around decent guy is not attracted to you.


What’s effeminate ?


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15 May 2019, 2:47 pm

sly279 wrote:
What’s effeminate ?
"Swishy."


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KT67
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15 May 2019, 3:17 pm

sly279 wrote:
Antrax wrote:
They exist, but are not your "standard guy" so you would have to do some searching if you want your effeminate passive guy interested in a strong masculine women.

The real problem with your past relationships is that you have been dating awful guys. I suspect it's because either you aren't attracted to the all-around decent guy or the all-around decent guy is not attracted to you.


What’s effeminate ?


Basically David Bowie but 21st century. Russel Brand etc. (I'm trying to think of celebrities famous in America but I'm not good at knowing who's famous in other places)

Yeah I think it's the latter unfortunately. I wonder if getting more confidence and showing that I'm more confident would be a deterrent to them. I'm not into bad boys but I'm not good at saying 'no' or setting boundaries so I'm ending up in dangerous situations.

Hmm I wonder if ironically it's still a case of exploring the 'queer' (I hate that word) scene, finding someone who's bi or 'no labels' etc. Or just a case of using apps. Or if I work in the creative field in this more quirky town I might find someone through that.

I had a conversation with an older guy like this a few days ago but it was strictly platonic. I like that it was strictly platonic as he was too old and the more ordinary guys I'd been talking to before I started looking how I want to look hadn't realised that they were way too old for me to want as a bf.



sly279
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15 May 2019, 4:24 pm

Meh


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SportsGamer35728
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15 May 2019, 7:13 pm

Maybe straight male figure skaters?



nick007
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15 May 2019, 7:47 pm

Maybe you could date a transexual who was born a guy but hasn't fully converted to being a woman(still has his stuff in tack)


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breaks0
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15 May 2019, 9:24 pm

KT67 wrote:
I'm bi but I only want to date women, after years of trying guys. I had one 'relationship' when I was young which was like a gay male one (and abusive, I was way too young for an age gap). Then I had ones where I had to play the feminine part.

I want a feminine guy who wants a masculine woman. I want to take charge.

All the guys I've liked haven't had good ideas of what boundaries were. The first guy actually said he didn't take no for an answer. Another one said he wanted to do bdsm and if I wanted to be in any sort of a relationship, platonic or otherwise, I had to go along with it. This was after he isolated me from everyone else. Another guy, I specifically set limits and said I didn't want that, again he isolated me then just started hitting me in a sexual way and threatening me in a non sexual way when I had nobody else to talk to. Yes, I had home but I was scared they'd 'ban' me from dating at all. The second two guys really liked me to dress feminine and guilted me when I wouldn't. I only feel comfortable dressing basically like a guy.

Thing is, I don't feel as if the sort of guy I'd want - who dresses more feminine than me, who respects boundaries, who lets me lead things - actually exists. So I don't get the point of being openly bi rather than saying I'm gay. All it leads to when I tell guys I'm into guys is pressure from guys I find unattractive to get into those sorts of relationships. I never found any of those three guys attractive physically, it just felt as if I 'had' to date them.

So what I'm wondering is, does anyone have any counter egs? Or anything I could do so that if I did get into a relationship with a guy it was what I wanted? Someone who respects me for being the way I am and doesn't break boundaries or try to isolate me from my friends and social contacts. I feel like this could be an aspie thing and could also all stem back to that first relationship (I was 13 and he was in his 30s, see what I mean by 'abusive')

I've had a long distance thing with a 'pretty boy' I suspect to be gay (it was literally just text flirtations) and a fling with similar but he kept trying to avoid me... I feel like straight guys just don't want to date anyone that masculine or who takes charge or even, the ones I attract, who sets boundaries and wants a 'no' to be respected.

Sorry to hear about your history of being abused. A 30-something dating a 13 yo is way pedo, besides abusive. It sounds like you've dated a bunch of shitty guys, so I don't blame you for having little hope in finding the kind of guy you're looking for and dating only women. That's becoming increasingly common as more Millennials and Gen Zers become LGBTQ than any generation before, as you probably know. Best of success in finding the kind of guy you're searching for.



Rodland
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16 May 2019, 1:02 am

If ordinary clothing is not feminine enough, I am pretty sure that many boys would agree to dress in a more feminine fashion, if that was their gf's wish (I would do myself). They may need some advice in dressing though.

Is not it pretty common that a woman takes charge in a relationship? It is just not said explicitly. It just happens.

Basically it sounds like you could take some nerd guy from OKcupid and suggest him if he could change her clothing a bit.



KT67
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16 May 2019, 2:37 am

Seriously not sorry for someone who was abused at 13 by an adult?

They do exist they just don't exist in Alabama or Lincoln or Govan.

I don't even want a drag queen, I just want a guy who recognises it's as f****d up to demand his gf shaves as that she demands it out of him. And that is actually attractive to me. You sound like a misogynist. Probably because of your autism to be fair, regular guys controlling a relationship is the default as far as I'm aware.



KT67
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16 May 2019, 2:50 am

Rodland wrote:
If ordinary clothing is not feminine enough, I am pretty sure that many boys would agree to dress in a more feminine fashion, if that was their gf's wish (I would do myself). They may need some advice in dressing though.

Is not it pretty common that a woman takes charge in a relationship? It is just not said explicitly. It just happens.

Basically it sounds like you could take some nerd guy from OKcupid and suggest him if he could change her clothing a bit.


It doesn't happen in my life. It might just be a case of the girls I pick and the guys I pick. Apparently you go for your parents as role models and my dad didn't give me a very good look of what a guy is.

By lead, all I really mean is set the pace. Not if he's not ready of course but I feel like any regular guy would be ready when I was.

It feels like my issue is nerds actually, I think it has to do with their being bullied at school so wanting to take the lack of power out on someone? I think a more confident artistic type would be more willing and naturally into things like looking nice.



KT67
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16 May 2019, 3:05 am

breaks0 wrote:

Sorry to hear about your history of being abused. A 30-something dating a 13 yo is way pedo, besides abusive. It sounds like you've dated a bunch of shitty guys, so I don't blame you for having little hope in finding the kind of guy you're looking for and dating only women. That's becoming increasingly common as more Millennials and Gen Zers become LGBTQ than any generation before, as you probably know. Best of success in finding the kind of guy you're searching for.


Yeah, I was into girls and guys before him (not in bed but in terms of kissing and crushes and normal things) and I've tried to be with guys but the ones I attract all seem to be the same in terms of wanting to make me look a certain way, groom me (another way I want to set the pace is to spoil him at least equally so I don't feel I 'owe' him), then guilt trip me into bed. It's a similar pattern to the one he set, even though I'm an adult.

I know. It's pretty common in that town and he attracted me by talking about paedos who had something to do with my specialist interest (which is why I'm feeling triggered at the moment with their court cases). Probably why he kept banging on about 'you're a boy' because they abused boys. He kept saying 'you're one of our boys, I'm one of our men, it's what we do'.

I've found people are open minded (not for dating but for saying 'you look nice') basically in your generation and younger. Some older hippies as well (hippies seem to be better with men looking feminine than women looking masculine, they want everyone to have long hair and wear kaftans!). It's the really old people who don't like androgyny, and the right wingers. I don't want to attract really old people or right wingers so I'm fine with that.

I wonder if living in a more liberal town will attract different types of guys, especially if I get more involved in the art scenes that attract me for interest reasons.

Basically by 'take charge' what I mean is, sex is hard for me so I would like to be the one to set the pace. Consent is important to me but I want to be the one who says 'I'm ready if you are' or something along those lines. I trust myself to listen more than I trust him.