How to help spouse understand

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Help! I am new to this forum and to autism. I am a couple weeks away from a formal diagnosis but I wanted to see if anyone had any insights or resources on how to explain to or have spouses relate. Sometimes my husband understands my “quirks” and sometimes he just doesn’t and gets defensive. The biggest issue I have at home is sensory issues. I’ve tries explaining irritations with eating or talking while shows are on etc but it just doesn’t seem to click for him. I understand it may be difficult for a NT to understand why it’s extremely bothersome for me to hear others chewing when I am in fact eating too but I just don’t feel like I should have to explain it every time or made to feel bad about my noise sensitivity. Does anyone have any pointers to provide education or information to loved ones? Thanks!

Ask him to stop eating or wear over the ear noise protectors or wear noise cancelling headphones? I suggest the latter and he probably would opt for that too. You guys can talk at other times rather than during meals.

My main point is there are three things that you can do when living with others:

1) They accommodate you.
2) You take measures to adapt to your environment (e.g. headphones, earplugs, etc).
3) A bit of both.

If you've already tried #3 then I suggest proceeding to #2. If those don't work, eat in separate rooms or at different times.

Thanks. I do probably need to wear more ear plugs and headphones. But I am always conflicted because I would like at least in theory to eat dinner with my spouse and daughter. Maybe every once in a while? I try my best to adapt but I feel like I cannot wear headphones 24/7 and at some point I will need a little understanding. Do you know of any sources that explains a little bit about what sensory overload is and what other common issues may be experienced on the spectrum? I’ve tried explaining but am apparently not getting my point across.

These are my opinions and the best compromise for me living with a wife and children.

I own multiple pairs of these. I keep one in my vehicle, two at home and a stereo headset by the same company also at home and at the office. I call them my "cans". I don't wear them out in public. I only wear them at home.



I also wear the clear version, the ones on the right in the picture below when I'm out in public (e.g. grocery stores, malls, home improvement stores, definitely in restaurants, at church, on my daily walk in town and sometimes in my vehicle. They're basically invisible in the ear. These have actually been a game changer in my life. They're very comfortable washable and reusable with no batteries, moving parts, etc. One pair if taken care of should last for years or forever.



You're right that your family needs to be aware of your sensitivities and also should be mindful of them. However, I don't want my family's lives to revolve around mine. We share our space. We both have to compromise.

How is my family mindful of my sound sensitivities?

If they're going to use the blender to make smoothies, etc they let me know beforehand. I put on my cans.

If we play a dice game like Boggle, I wear my cans at the table.

If they put away the dishes from the dishwasher, I put on my cans.

Repetitive sounds like tap, tap, tapping with a pencil or a finger are highly irritating to me. If they do it, I ask them to stop within a few seconds and they comply.

Kids are loud. Face it. Especially more than one. If they're too loud, they're made aware of it and they bring down their volume level.

We're still working on this one...... ...but if I'm in the laundry room by myself and no one else is around, my request is that they call out to me long before they're standing in the doorway of the laundry room looking at me as they start talking. I can't hear if anyone is approaching while the washer and/or dryer is on and seeing a figure standing there or having someone start talking when I don't think anyone's around scares me to the point that I'll holler/scream.

Movies in a theater? Earplugs! Out to a restaurant? Earplugs! Riding in a vehicle with the kids? DEFINITELY earplugs!

Audiologists will tell you that if you're sensitive to sound (hyperacusis), you should desensitize yourself by purposely being in loud (not harmfully so) environments often. That may be ok for NT people who would have zero stress upon leaving the loud environment, but having ASD, I disagree that it works for me. It doesn't, because loud environments cause me a level of stress that takes a long time to subside. That stress then builds over time until I have a shutdown and the cumulative stress causes me more problems.

One word on your family being more understanding toward your situation: Did you say that you go for your assessment in a few weeks or you've had an assessment, were told you have autism and you're getting your formal diagnosis in a few weeks? If you're only self-diagnosed at this point and have not been formally diagnosed, I suggest you leave the autism out of it and just explain to your family that you clearly have sound sensitivities irrespective at this point from autism and that sound can be very difficult for you to deal with. My family thinks nothing of me wearing my cans or earplugs when I need them. They don't give it a second thought.

Desensitizing to sounds can work for some Aspies. Being forced to in loud environments & around loud noises & machines like at work & being at home helping my mom or dad with things, I'm not as sensitive as sounds as I used to be. When I was a kid I used to cry & throw tantrums whenever my mom would vacuum. I started having to help with the housework including vacuuming & learned to tolerate it. I've also been around louder sounds at work & could stay focused on my tasks thou it was harder to hear others when I was around the machines.

Thanks those are good options for headphones and ear plugs. I don’t think I’ve ever seen ones as discreet as those.

I agree. I don’t think trying to desensitize is right for everyone. I think it would bring me to a breaking point after awhile.

I had the assessment and am waiting on the results. I try not to use autism right now as I am waiting. But I have spent many years trying to describe my sensitivities without it since I did not realize until this year what being on the spectrum may mean.

I hope you can craft a suitable environment for you and your family.

A point of clarification on my post about the "cans" and the clear earplugs: I don't wear the cans all the time at home. Actually, most of the time I don't wear them. I only put them on if there are loud noises or I'm overly stressed and therefore even more hyper-sensitive.

The clear earplugs: they've changed my life because, by design, they only filter a moderate level of sound rather than a maximum level. That's perfect for cutting down loud sounds and sending background noises to the background, blending background noises so my brain can't try to lock onto and over-analyze each individual sound and voice. But they still allow for hearing those around you to converse with in a restaurant for example.

Take a look at misophonia. Explaining it as something that is a co-morbid condition instead of a part of your diagnosis might make more sense to a NT.

Also, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can often help raise frustration tolerance for those suffering from misophonia. It might be helpful to both work on their understanding while working on your own coping strategies at the same time. Asking a partner to change when they cannot see our efforts to change ourselves can lead to resentment.