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teafortwo
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24 May 2019, 1:04 pm

I’m male, 50, married and have unfortunately been having meltdowns the last few years where I break things like furniture or dishes. I feel ashamed. I had not broken anything during meltdowns since my 20s but it started again when we were moving from a condo to a house. My wife said if I break anything else she will leave me. I’ve seen a counselor but did not feel like I was heard. Please advise.



BTDT
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24 May 2019, 1:09 pm

Meltdowns are the result of too much stress.

Anything you can do to reduce stress will help.

There is something called spoon theory that may help.

https://themighty.com/2016/08/how-the-s ... th-autism/



nick007
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25 May 2019, 3:21 am

Are you on any medication :?: I found i started getting bad meltdowns alittle less often after I got on medication. Mood stabilizers & antipsychotics could potentially help. Treating an underlying issue like depression or anxiety that might of contributed to the meltdowns could help too. I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist & maybe trying with a different counselor .


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26 May 2019, 2:29 pm

My 14 year old daughter had had a meltdown in a grocery store recently, where she knocked down a display of paper towels with a punch.Even though we are regular customers, we were asked to leave.


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languagehopper
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16 Jun 2019, 3:34 am

I am in my 50s too and unfortunately still have meltdowns during which I shout and I am inclined to throw things which sometimes break. I feel horrified and ashamed when I do this. It is usually the result of extreme frustration due to knowing that yet again my needs have been ignored. At the time I feel such a rush of despair that consequences don't seem to matter. I have realised that as they are unable to understand me it is my responsibility not to put myself in the position where I am likely to do this so I avoid talking to the people that trigger it. As we live together this makes for a very strange household. I spend my time either outside or in my room like a teenager except when I am cooking or cleaning the kitchen. The kitchen is usually the flashpoint. I can't stand the chaotic way they leave things. The disgusting messes they leave in the sink revolt me. The rest of downstairs is like a junk shop with clutter everywhere but I keep the kitchen straight. But they say I am being ridiculous when I ask them to put things away. So I have stopped asking and just do it and all the washing up and cooking, patiently and quietly cleaning up after them because that is a price worth paying in order not to feel like a monster. I have told them I will just cook for myself outside on a camp stove if they don't let me get on with it. They don't like it and are convinced it is all my fault but it is all I could come up with. As they like my food they grumpily let me get do it and mostly stay out of my way. It seems a bit ridiculous their being annoyed at my doing all the work and never complaining but apparently I am controlling which in their book is the worst thing possible. Leaving kitchen sinks full of scummy dirty dishes and dog bowls until mold grows on them is apparently a human right...
I don't blame them for my behaviour. It is my behaviour. It would be nice if they would help to find a better solution but since they can't admit their own contribution that isn't going to happen. Perhaps if I was better at communication I could get through to them but then I wouldn't need to live here in the first place... swings and roundabouts...
Think outside the box to find a solution. Avoid triggers. Take responsibility.


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MrsPeel
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16 Jun 2019, 4:06 am

I think it helps to know what your triggers are.
Sometimes when you can work that out, and if you dig down into the reasons why, you can find a different approach and avoid a meltdown.



MindWithoutWalls
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13 Jul 2019, 5:30 pm

I'm 51 and have been with the same girlfriend for almost 19 years. She's great with me when she's home and things go wrong - really patient, stable, and calm. She helps me out if I tell her something is wrong. We've talked about what to do if she's not there, so I don't break stuff (not her stuff - I do have that much self control) or throw anything that could do any harm.

If you have a bag you can punch, that's good. If not, you can throw ice cubes at the sidewalk or driveway. I've even repeatedly smashed a whole bag of ice, picking it up and throwing it down again until the plastic bag tore too much to hold in the ice. It's also good to have a small number of people on a list to select from who have agreed you can call to let them know when you're in crisis. If I call my girlfriend, or someone else who has agreed to be on my short list, they'll know I need help calming down and will just listen to me and speak calmly with me until I'm doing well enough to manage on my own.

Being creative and letting someone you trust help you devise a set of alternatives can really help you handle these times better. I think it has strengthened my relationship to let my girlfriend actively participate in planning and dealing with tough times. It keeps her from worrying and feeling helpless to make things better. Also, I let her know when she's helping, because it reassures her, even if I still seem distressed. That's another thing that's made our relationship better. We work as a team, with each of us learning how to be better at planning, helping, and reaffirming what works so we can refine the process. It also makes it easier to say when something doesn't work, because we trust each other enough to be able to express concerns in a more calm way, as well as to feel more calm when hearing about concerns from the other person. This is really important to me, because I never want my girlfriend to feel upset by my actions, and she never wants me to feel lost and in pain.


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aspieprincess123
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13 Jul 2019, 8:23 pm

When I have meltdowns I usually pill my hair or smack my head.

When I do have then my partner usually has to restrain me by a deep cuddle but I have even then lashed out I have bitten or smacked him when melting down.



Michael Hart
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31 Jul 2019, 6:00 pm

broken holes in my walls. smashed controllers, bloody knuckles. been knocked out in a fight and blacked out once. lol that was kind of fun



SharonB
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31 Jul 2019, 8:36 pm

Find a different counselor. I now have an ASD one and a regular one.

Teasing (in part): perhaps if your wife handled it how my husband did earlier this year --- I pushed some things off a counter so he came and pushed off the rest. I felt he was a big bully, but he got his point across. It's not like him to do that - he looked ridiculous. Thankfully the casualties were only houseplants.

I agree with the stress part. I was very stressed years ago and put some holes in walls - that was too hard to fix, so slapped walls, that still hurt to much and I eventually stopped (the stress lessened). My stress is up again (work) and so my upsets are increasing. It's either quit my job, counseling, meditation and/or medication for me... tbd

Wishing you find a way to reduce your stress, triggers...



Misslizard
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01 Aug 2019, 11:03 pm

Stress reduction helps, when I was in a horrible marriage I had them all the time.Now it’s very rare.


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auntblabby
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01 Aug 2019, 11:35 pm

when i am outta spoons, i am prone to breaking all sortsa things, including myself.



Benjamin the Donkey
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02 Aug 2019, 10:33 am

I did this in my teens and 20s. Since then, I've tended to shut down rather than melt down. Maybe that's progress.


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auntblabby
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02 Aug 2019, 10:11 pm

^^^ :wtg: :idea:



smudge
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03 Aug 2019, 5:33 am

I've always had this. When I was 13 I punched a glass door, slammed another and threw a chair into another. The one I slammed oddly survived, the glass must have been reinforced.

I think these things tend not to get talked about.