Should I Apologize?

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First, I am undiagnosed, avoidant and have a social cognition deficit.

My brother is angry and will not talk to me. The problem stems from an invitation to my elderly aunt's party. I was a last minute invite, most likely another person canceled and there was room for one more. My brother and his wife were not invited.

A common friend told him about the party. So, my brother, knew about it before me. He was calling all week phishing for information. At the party, I told the common friend not to mention my attendance. I thought I could postpone dealing with his anger till I was ready. She called the next morning and told me she could not do that. Insisting that I tell him right away. I thanked her and said I would deal the consequences.

She told him and we haven't spoken since.

I understand that he is angry and hurt because I did not tell him about the invitation. He did not give me time or an opportunity to bring it up in conversation. Parties do not mean much to me. I would have gladly given him my invitation.

So what do I do? An insincere apology will make it worse. I ask myself what do I want. That is simple. I am tired of his BS, his refusal to respect my boundaries and understand his place in the family.

This all sounds childish. I am a 61 year old man.

Is it time to just let it go?

Sure, apologize to him, but for what?

If he's offended that he was not invited, then those who sent out the invitations are the ones to apologize (not you).

If he's offended that you attended, then remember that you do not need his permission.

If he's offended that you didn't tell him, so what? Is he your keeper? Does he provide food, clothing and shelter for you? Does he have custody over you? What has he done for you to deserve being informed of your every action?

Seems to me like your brother is over-reacting and just looking for someone or something to be on the receiving end of his anger. Apologizing to him might only give him an excuse to take his anger out on you.

("Ah-HAH! So it WAS your fault! Now feel my wrath!!")

If this was me, I'd make like it was no big deal and just let it blow over.

Fnord, thank you.

That is my current position. I am not good at these things and am interested in what other people think. A consensus is reassuring. He has pulled this crap on me before.

Last edited by goatfish57 on 05 Jun 2019, 8:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, let it go. There is no reason for you to apologize. Social competition. He lost. You won. He needs to deal with it.

BTDT, thank you, I feel a consensus being formed

I am also not clear as to what you would apologize for.

Not even clear what he is angry about.

Is he jealous that he wasn't invited?

You were invited only at the last minute yourself. So I guess that you're only slightly less unpopular than he is. Lol!

I guess that you could say that "I am sorry that you feel that way". That choice of words is often used when you don't see how you have done any wrong to apologize for, but you feel the need to acknowledge that the other person is upset anyway. And then take it from there. And see if you can have an honest discussion.

Yeah, I am B list and he is C list. You are right, what the hell is he angry at? The problem is his ego and I am tired of stroking it. Thank you, I am feeling better!!

Just a note, "Sorry you feel that way" does not work. Instead, "I apologize that I did not tell you and I am sorry that I hurt your feelings." I have done this before and I am not in the mood to play this game again.

I still need to think about how to fix this. Your advice is very helpful

Frankly I would be angry with your common friend for telling your brother when you specifically asked her not to. It wasn't her place to share information about you, especially when you had already made it clear that you didn't want it shared. Your brother is overreacting and your friend is not cool for having done that to you. I'd wait for it to blow over, and if it doesn't, it's likely you're better off without the relationship.

Thank you, the common friend is playing a dangerous game, betraying confidences (me and my rich aunt). She winds up my brother and then I have to clean up the mess. She is no friend and I am furious with her.

I am also getting use to the idea that my brother is not worth the trouble. He has caused numerous conflicts with his refusal to accept his position in the family. My door is always open to him, but not my trust. I do not expect to hear from him for months or years. That is the pattern.

The truth is he owes me a lot. I am the one the who gave the do not resuscitate order for my mother, instructed the doctor to let my father die, according to his advanced healthcare directives. I settled their estates and made sure he got an equal share and was paid first. There is much more that he will never know that I did for him. I keep confidences and share only what is truly necessary.

So yes, I feel betrayed. Thank you StarTrekker, live long and prosper.

It's strange and manipulative to expect you to apologise - you really didn't do anything wrong. Given the level of communication between the two of you, you're under no obligation to inform him about attending a party

The friend meddling like that is also weird - it sounds to me like there's a lot of gossip and baggage to go around.

If I were you, I would just stay out of the whole thing and not participate. You can't win anyway and you don't want to get caught in the middle of it.

Good luck and take care of yourself - family drama is the worst!

Thank you, I agree completely. Some people like to pretend that they are important and know best. These are dangerous people and I avoid them at all costs. I am tired of cleaning up after them. My strategy is to keep my mouth shut and my back covered. When people are angry they do stupid things. I am expecting more sh*t to hit the fan at some point. Messing with my aunt is a sure fired way to cause no end to grief.

Excellent! Let them fight amongst themselves and protect yourself.

Dear Friends,

After two months of no contact, I met my brother at large party thrown by my Aunt. I was surprised to see him there. Since, he had alienated many of the people who were in attendance.

I tried to talk to him and got the cold shoulder. So, I avoided him. That night, he sent a nasty email. Accusing me of being dishonest and untrustworthy. What the email really said was that he hated me. His description of my duplicity was wrong and I corrected his errors with a two short sentence reply. My version of check and checkmate to his absurd accusations.

Processing all events was difficult for me and I got very upset. Being the focus of irrational hate is awful. He has played this game on me and others before, causing him to be fired. He was waiting for an excuse to blame someone else for his failures.

I do not expect to hear from him again. Family events are going to be awful with his seething hatred. I will not cover for him anymore and if asked I may explain why he is behaving badly. That will be the final nail in the coffin of our sick relationship.

Last edited by goatfish57 on 20 Jul 2019, 10:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

In my mind, it is better not to be invited to something you have no interest in, than to be invited at the last minute as an afterthought. Better to choose social events based on your interests.

True, but sometimes we have to honor our social responsibilities. I do not like parties and will go to great lengths to avoid them.

His "cold shoulder" punishment reminds me of what my narcissistic mother does. Jealousy is what they feel most along with anger, topping feelings. Also refusal to respect boundaries. He's certainly toxic and can't be worked with unless he'd be willing to be nice and change. I'm glad you let him go.