I Might Have Found Someone, But I Don’t Know What To Do

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SilentJessica
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05 Jun 2019, 11:30 am

A few days ago, I matched with someone on OkCupid, and we started talking straight away. He told me he was looking for someone loving and caring, and that he needed alone time sometimes, but would be very protective of me and want to be my “knight in shining armour.” He also said he hopes I would be clingy and needy, like him, and said I’m like a little kid (my inexperience) which he really likes. He asked me for Snapchat, and we started talking there.

He knows I have Selective Mutism, which I tried to explain, and he said he wants to meet me even if I can’t talk. He
gave me a list of things I could do if I felt uncomfortable, or to feel more comfortable. I like him, but I felt like everything was rushed and that he wanted to meet too soon (I was hoping to wait about six months) so I blocked him, which I felt sad about because I really did like him.

One of the reasons I wanted to wait longer is that I have problems with bringing things up to my family, even small things, and I would never know how to tell them I wanted to go and meet someone. I have no friends in real life and have always been with my family at almost all times - the only time I’ve gone anywhere by myself is for a few walks to a park at the end of my street. My family are very nice and supportive, but I baby myself because I’m very doubtful of myself and what I can or can’t do. They’ve told me “you’re 27, we can’t stop you doing anything” a few times, and my mum said a few months ago “you could even get a boyfriend and have kids.”

After I blocked him, I unblocked him because I knew I would miss him. He sent me messages on OkCupid today because I didn’t see the ones he sent on Snapchat. I added him back to there, and he was hurt and sad that I deleted him (I didn’t let him know he was blocked) but said he was sorry for pushing me. We talked for a few hours tonight, and he was giving me different ideas for how I could tell my family about him. He said he would plan everything if he had to. He originally wanted to meet this week, but now he said next week or the week after would be okay.

I’m not sure what I should do. We don’t know each other well yet, but I think we would get along with each other well, and I already feel comfortable with him. He lives on the other side of the city, but works 30 minutes away and might be moving to my side of the city soon.

These are some of the messages:
https://imgur.com/a/Q4FYBot


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 70 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

AQ: 40
RAADS-R: 149


Last edited by SilentJessica on 05 Jun 2019, 12:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Twilightprincess
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05 Jun 2019, 11:40 am

My humble opinion:

You only met a few days ago! If it were me, this would be moving way too fast. I think you should get to know each other a lot better before moving forward.

I don’t think that he should be pushing you beyond what you’re comfortable with. I’m also concerned that he wants to be “protective” and your “knight in shining armor.” While that sounds romantic, it can coincide with being controlling, especially considering some pushiness on his part.

You have the right to be comfortable in the context of a romantic relationship. Don’t let anyone push you beyond what you are comfortable with and don’t let your emotions override your ability to recognize troubling behaviors.

I’m not saying that things can’t work out with this guy. I just want you to stay safe and watch out for red flags.



kraftiekortie
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05 Jun 2019, 11:42 am

Yep...if a guy says he's a "knight in shining armor," I would be sort of wary of him, and pursue the relationship a little slower.

I am the type that lets the WOMAN tell me that I'm her "knight in shining armor." I shouldn't have to tell HER that....



red_doghubb
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05 Jun 2019, 12:17 pm

SilentJessica wrote:
A few days ago, I matched with someone on OkCupid, and we started talking straight away. He told me he was looking for someone loving and caring, and that he needed alone time sometimes, but would be very protective of me and want to be my “knight in shining armour.” He also said he hopes I would be clingy and needy, like him, and said I’m like a little kid (my inexperience) which he really likes. He asked me for Snapchat, and we started talking there.

He knows I have Selective Mutism, which I tried to explain, and he said he wants to meet me even if I can’t talk. He
gave me a list of things I could do if I felt uncomfortable, or to feel more comfortable. I like him, but I felt like everything was rushed and that he wanted to meet too soon (I was hoping to wait about six months) so I blocked him, which I felt sad about because I really did like him.

One of the reasons I wanted to wait longer is that I have problems with bringing things up to my family, even small things, and I would never know how to tell them I wanted to go and meet someone. I have no friends in real life and have always been with my family at almost all times - the only time I’ve gone anywhere by myself is for a few walks to a park at the end of my street. My family are very nice and supportive, but I baby myself because I’m very doubtful of myself and what I can or can’t do. They’ve told me “you’re 27, we can’t stop you doing anything” a few times, and my mum said a few months ago “you could even get a boyfriend and have kids.”

After I blocked him, I unblocked him because I knew I would miss him. He sent me messages on OkCupid today because I didn’t see the ones he sent on Snapchat. I added him back to there, and he was hurt and sad that I deleted him (I didn’t let him know he was blocked) but said he was sorry for pushing me. We talked for a few hours tonight, and he was giving me different ideas for how I could tell my family about him. He said he would plan everything if he had to. He originally wanted to meet this week, but now he said next week or the week after would be okay.

I’m not sure what I should do. We don’t know each other well yet, but I think we would get along with each other well, and I already feel comfortable with him. He lives on the other side of the city, but works 30 minutes away and might be moving to my side of the city soon.

These are some of the messages:
https://imgur.com/a/Q4FYBot


This is already too much work



kraftiekortie
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05 Jun 2019, 12:19 pm

I read the dialogue.

I feel like the guy is really rushing things. he has to slow down.

I wish you both could talk about philosophy or something......



DanielW
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05 Jun 2019, 12:34 pm

TPCR - Too Pink Couldn't Read



kraftiekortie
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05 Jun 2019, 12:58 pm

Frankly, I don't understand why many of these "dating site" dialogues are so devoid of substantive content.....



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05 Jun 2019, 1:04 pm

I also have selective mutism and agoraphobia so I understand your struggle when wanting to build new relationships.

I wanted to encourage you to meet him (at your own pace, of course), but now that I've read the conversation I see red flags, Jessica :( Sorry :(

I don't like that he says he hears you, but then he keeps pressuring regardless.

I don't like that he says "There's nothing to worry about at all", when you've told him you do have reasons to worry.

I have been very cautious with meeting people myself, and I always listen to my gut. Someone else can't tell you what your gut should think, but he's trying to do just that. He may be a great person and be completely sincere, but the pressure is one-sided and that isn't fair. Don't forget, if you meet him once there will be pressure to meet him twice, and so on.

Please be careful.



SilentJessica
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05 Jun 2019, 1:08 pm

When I’m talking to him, it seems like a good idea, but then once we stop and the emotions wear off a bit, I think of all of the red flags I’ve already noticed (there have been a lot). It’s like he’s telling me everything he thinks I want to hear so I’ll see him, which reminds me of the “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” motto.

We’ve probably spent more time talking about meeting each other than anything else, and I’m thinking it’s better if I don’t reply to his messages anymore.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 70 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

AQ: 40
RAADS-R: 149


IsabellaLinton
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05 Jun 2019, 1:11 pm

If he truly understood your mutism and your hesitation he might say things such as:

- I understand how you feel
- I have done some research about mutism, and learned that .... xyz .....
- I realise how important it is not to force a communicative situation (whether one person is mute or not)
- I care about you and I will wait as long as it takes
- What are some ways I can be your friend in the meantime?

Just my thoughts. ^

It's lovely to see you back though. I missed you.



AquaineBay
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05 Jun 2019, 1:15 pm

I can think of only three things right now.

1)He has no idea how he comes across to other people.

2) He's a Hopeless Romantic and is getting too excited.

3) He is manipulating you in some way.

The whispering in his ear is suspicious as that's breaking a lot of personal boundaries when first meeting someone. I would be careful cause number 2 and 3 sound more likely then 1.

You could recommend video chatting first and then meeting to get a better feel for him.



that1weirdgrrrl
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05 Jun 2019, 1:31 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
I can think of only three things right now.

1)He has no idea how he comes across to other people.

2) He's a Hopeless Romantic and is getting too excited.

3) He is manipulating you in some way.

The whispering in his ear is suspicious as that's breaking a lot of personal boundaries when first meeting someone. I would be careful cause number 2 and 3 sound more likely then 1.

You could recommend video chatting first and then meeting to get a better feel for him.


I'm inclined to agree with Aquaine.

I think many people who struggle socially unknowingly misrepresent themselves on the internet.

If you think you might like him, meet him somewhere public during the day. You don't have to give him your phone number or full name, so if he does get weird it'll be easy to remove yourself from any future advances/interactions.

Most dating sites are set up to maintain anonymity, in case things do get uncomfortable.

If you're in a country that allows it, carry self defense. Give a friend the address and time of your meeting, just so somebody knows where you are.

Good luck!



breaks0
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05 Jun 2019, 3:42 pm

How do you color the text of your posts pink (as the OP did) or other colors for that matter?



Mona Pereth
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05 Jun 2019, 3:49 pm

breaks0 wrote:
How do you color the text of your posts pink (as the OP did) or other colors for that matter?

Here is the BBCode guide.


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- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


breaks0
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05 Jun 2019, 3:51 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
breaks0 wrote:
How do you color the text of your posts pink (as the OP did) or other colors for that matter?

Here is the BBCode guide.

Thanks alot Mona!