Meetup Mediocre or Bad!

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Do other people find the Meetup website insufficient for making friends?

I've gone to probably a hundred in the past 2 years and haven't made one friend. A lot of creepy men (I may be one myself) and flakey Meetup organizers who sometimes don't show up.

A lot of the activities are odd and not really that fun. Some of them I couldn't grasp what the reason was for going.

Men I've talked to are okayish. They are somewhat interesting, but not very much so. Women are unreceptive and they generally ignore me or move away to another group. I don't know what I did. Maybe it's how I look (creepy/rapist looking dude).

Anyone else make friends a these events? Alternatives? I don't know of any others.

I would suggest that you attend only those meetups that involve topics or activities that you personally find especially interesting/enjoyable, and then attend them regularly for at least several months. While there, be friendly, but focus primarily on the topic or activity rather than on trying to talk to individual people. It is likely that some people will gradually warm up to you as you become a familiar face.

If there happens to be a well-organized autistic community in your locale with at least one support group for autistic adults, it might be good to see if there's at least one person at the support group who shares your interests and would be willing to attend various meetup groups with you. Attending a meetup with someone might be less awkward than attending by yourself. However, at the support group too, it would probably be best to attend regularly for at least several months, and thereby become a familiar face, before suggesting this idea to anyone.

It's hard to find a social hobby. I have personal and solo hobbies like piano, but nothing social.

In the past I tried BJJ group for a couple months and didn't make any friends or have anyone warm up to me. It got too stressful for me; not the learning aspect, but the social engagement aspect. Just couldn't handle being with the people.

I'll try and find something new and attend often as you suggest, but I will probably be pretending to enjoy it and cover up my boredom or anxiety with a mask.

I am doing a support group/social skills training in mid July.

Does piano need to be a solo hobby? Have you ever considered looking for people who play other musical instruments and organizing a band? Or maybe just looking for other piano players to play duets with?

I would never pretend to be interested in something just to be social. There has to be some way to turn one or more of your real interests into a social hobby. Are there any musicians' clubs in your area, on Meetup or elsewhere?

I believe piano would remain a solo hobby for me given the fact that I'm not a professional player and an amateur with only 2 years of consistent daily practice. I make mistakes often with playing. Still learning the fundamentals and learning the basic repertoire of music pieces. I don't believe bands will offer a spot for me who would risk ruining their jams or compositions with me playing incorrectly. Nope, no duets. Again, I'm not skilled enough to play with others. I would have no incentive to get other people to join me in a band because, well, I don't play to create music or perform for others; it's for my own pleasure and giving me self-worth from within rather than from others who would validate me.

My only other hobby is bodybuilding/strength training. A solo activity. I have been to many gyms and talked with other guys on forums and they all bodybuild alone. No luck in finding friends or gym partners as it's every man or woman for themselves. I also do it alone because nothing gets accomplished when one is wasting time talking to someone. Training stalls. And it's a narcissistic activity. Plus I have my own home gym of weights and don't need to go to gym. It's not like what you see in the media on the gym life; only people chatting there are the ones not working out and texting on their phones taking selfies to show their steroid muscles to miring buds and babes.

Don't believe there is much flexibility with altering my hobbies to make them social. They require solitary studying/concentration.

I have to pretend if I go out to these activity groups. It's the only way, because up to this very day none of these group activities made me feel fun, content with others, or any positive feelings. Just basically like doing a hard job you don't like. I've tried tango dancing for 3 months, group meditation for probably 6 months, I did Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for a couple months, I did some strange meetup that involved dinner and watching old cinema from 1940s-60s many times over. I didn't enjoy any of these activities. I was sweating, heart racing, muscle tensed up everywhere, and really utilizing most of my mental energy towards keeping my facial expressions restrained to conform with the social attitude; smile, nod, not look down on floor or roll eyes.

I guess this is why Meetup or any group activity isn't for me. Probably dumb to ask at all on here. I only went to socialize as a means to getting dates possibly. Not for the sake of socializing. To me socializing is a painful path to "hopefully ever" getting a date and romantic partner. If it weren't required I wouldn't do it. I only do it because no other route to dating has worked. Online dating isn't an option. That game is already designed to make 90% of men using it fail to get any success. Only the top 10 or maybe even 5% of attractive men get any luck on finding dates on there. That's darwinism for you in the digital era.

So, no duets. Got it. Could you at least enjoy talking about music with another person who, like you, was in process of learning to play the piano or other keyboard musical instrument?


Then going to those groups is pointless, because you can't bond with other people around shared recreational activities unless you enjoy those activities.


And not for the sake of the shared activity itself, either, apparently. Indeed, that can't possibly work.


Is there any topic you enjoy talking about? Perhaps one-on-one, if not in a group? (For many autistic people, talking to people in a group setting is much harder than talking one-on-one.)

For me, a sine qua non of any relationship has always been that the person must enjoy talking to me about topics that both I and the other person are interested in. To me, this has always been much more important than a person's looks or money. I can't imagine having a relationship with someone whom I don't enjoy talking to, or who doesn't enjoy talking to me, or who isn't interested in at least some of the same things I'm interested in.

Sure Mona. Don't know where to do that at. No Meetup titled "let's talk about piano music as we learn to play." Any time I type music group it just says "meet at this venue" or "professional x player needed."



You sure are right. I guess there aren't any groups for me to go to given I don't give a f**k about most of the group activities and topics or whatever the f**k they do.



Most of the time I listen to people and nod and respond to whatever the hell they have to say. 70% listening, 30% talking. Most of topics I like are limited. Reasons aren't simply because of my disorder, which includes a symptom of small range of hobbies.

I can't watch movies, tv shows, keep with news, or even pop music. I am unable to tolerate most American culture as it all relates to the idea of "you can see but can't touch" reality. I.e. watching other couples, groups, and people doing pleasurable things through such media like sex, socializing, partying, high on drugs, etc.

I'm barred from having any of that. So I don't keep up with anything cultural. I'm a hermit. If I see a new movie it's misery as it shows a world I can never experience. My point is I am uncultured and am not interested or able to tolerate being cultured and mingling with others over cultural/pretentious things as most people do. Absolutely no common ground. Even with other autistic people. I am more close to being anti-social.

I don't have very many things to talk about. My existence is mostly a prison as I have my two basic hobbies: bodybuilding and piano. My bodybuilding life is private and I don't want people involved in it. Bodybuilders have to do sketchy things to get bigger and stronger and most don't really mingle together with other people unless they are some instagram internet fitness celebrity or a YT business man selling bb coaching programs to naive teenage boys. I can't really talk about what I play on piano; e.g. a gavotte from Bach book 2 or a Beethoven sonatina. It's abstract "exact" music with complex structures that are only understood when on plays and hears them. Not meant to be talked about. All I can say is "I like playing this piece." End of story. Music is the crappiest way to have conversations. Don't know what human realm you live in.

Other than those I just play a 'few video games,' cook for myself, hike or spring/run "by myself," sleep, use toilet and shower, and relieve myself from time to time. Miscellaneous things I'm into are shinto/buddhism, meditation, 3d modeling, audiophile stuff - buying and playing hi-fi music on hi-fi audio equipment, and that's about it. All these are done solitary and probably makes sense for most of these.



Reverse for me. Looks matter first if I talk to women and sometimes even men. I don't like hanging with fat men and prefer athletic or at least healthy weight men, given that majority of American men are obese and disgusting looking in a feminine way.

Don't really know what to talk about. What am I going to say to some person who I would [hypothetically and improbably] be intimate with? I do this and that each day?

Then maybe you could start one?


Surely there are people who share your specific musical tastes and would understand? Probably not very many such people, but I would think they would be worth finding.


Are there any video games you enjoy that are of a type that attracts women as well as men? Also, would you not be able to enjoy hiking or running with other people?


The video games, shinto/buddhism, 3d modeling, audiophile stuff all sound to me like things you could talk about with people who shared those interests. You just need to find -- or create -- appropriate groups. I could be wrong, but my guess would be that shinto/buddhism would be the one of your interests for which you could most easily find already-existing groups.


I've always used my "small range of hobbies" as both a filter and a means of connecting with people who share my particular passions -- but always with the understanding that such people were a tiny minority that I needed to work hard to find.


I don't watch movies, TV shows, or listen to pop music either. (My reasons are a little different from yours, but that's beside the immediate point. When I was younger there were some movies and TV shows I enjoyed and some popular music I liked, but always a very limited range.)

I also detest most social chit chat. I need focus. I need conversations to be focused. In a group, I need conversations to be focused on an interesting (to me) topic. I don't need this quite as much in a one-on-one conversation, in which I can focus on the person instead of a topic, but, even in one-on-one conversation, I strongly prefer that at least some of the conversation be focused on topics of interest to me.


Looks matter first even for a nonsexual relationship??? If so, why??? -- and THAT may be an important part of your problem.


So none of your interests have any intellectual aspect that could be discussed???

THAT boggles my mind. You attend an Ivy League school. Yet you have no intellectual interests, at all? And zero desire for any intellectual companionship around your interests?

I'm probably dropping Meetup. You don't seem to know much about this app. Most people who sign up to meetups don't even show. Probably no one would ever show up to mine. And I don't think it would attract any women.




Um, finding one who isn't a professional performer and with a 24/7 schedule would be likely as winning the lottery.




No, none of the games I play really appeal to women. Probably not enjoy it. I've done group hikes and it wan't fun or not what I wanted to get out of it. People hike at their own pace and are separated due to everyone's personal speed going up a trail. Usually not a social thing. I don't exercise with other people. Bodybuilding and anything related to improving my physique is personal/sacred and is my narcissistic activity. I hate having some other dude get in my way with training or telling me how to train. f**k other guys who want to exercise as they piss me off and normally they don't know what the hell they are doing anyways.




Cause I like to be around physical beauty. Hanging around physically attractive people make me feel worthy; like I matter. Feel important to some little degree. Having attractive dates and friends makes me feel worthy inside cause otherwise I feel I have zero worth. Sometimes I hear from other guys that female friends become FWB. If that's the case then I better have very good looking women as friends. It's no problem and it isn't going anywhere. I'd be lying to myself and increasing my misery if I said "hey looks don't matter that much." My brain and sexual instincts aren't that stupid and won't fall for it. I'm a lion! I am not going to settle hanging with ugly and fat looking people.

I despise this school and the people in it. It's nothing but Roman-style brick buildings with nice decorations that gets s**t loads of money from students and donations. Professors are nothing spectacular after being here for a few years. None talk of anything that resonates with me.

For companionship (girlfriend) only the looks of the woman matter. Intellect comes second along with all other qualities. That is how my brain is wired; to desire physically beautiful people and objects.

I've used Meetup in the past. A successful Meetup group needs to be promoted by multiple means other than just via Meetup itself. An example of a successful Meetup group is Aspies for Social Success.


You need another, better source of self-worth. It now seems to me that that may be your biggest problem.


But you've said many times that you're NOT good-looking enough to attract the kind of "very good looking women" (not just good-looking, but "very" good-looking -- as in top 0.01%, maybe?) that you want. You've also expressed a wish to eliminate the desire for friends altogether, given your inability to attract the super-good-looking women you want.

Hence, your entire approach to life is just not working.

Incidentally, if you can't stand to be around people who aren't outstandingly physically attractive, then perhaps you shouldn't bother attending Aspies for Social Success. Attendees vary in appearance, but most are certainly not models.


My point in bringing up your school is the fact that, in order to be admitted in the first place, you had to have considerable intellectual ability (unless you got in via some cheating scheme, which I'll assume for now that you didn't). Yet, for someone with so much intellectual ability, it seems that you find very little, if any, joy in intellectual pursuits, and even less in intellectual companionship. To me, that seems utterly sad.


But you don't just "desire" physically beautiful people simply because you enjoy their company; you said that you depend on their presence in your life to prop up your sense of self-worth. I can't imagine basing one's sense of self-worth on such a thing. That, in itself, must truly be hell.

See also my reply to you here.

Quit telling me what I need for self-worth. You have no authority or any kind or reputation to be telling me where I should get my self-worth from. There is absolutely no other source for self-worth for me and that's how it is. My brain is wired to desire partners for sex. The worth of my life from this is because I'm programmed to procreate and pass on genes while also getting desirable genes from a mate to make better babies. Lying by saying I'm worthy of some other reason is not going to happen. I already said my brain is not that stupid and can call out when a human is in pretend mode and lying to themselves. I will not do that. You seem have a poor understanding of the way my brain works as I keep repeating myself.

I'm not going to respond to your responses on my made-up problem. All that matters in life for me is getting good income, having sexual partners and high social status, which still haven't been obtained, but nonetheless struggle to get till the end. Your world view blotting out my world view is NOT cool.



True, I do want to eliminate the desire, but no advice from the question I posted. People kept posting things I didn't ask for like "how to get a partner," which was the opposite what I was looking for. And I was asking a dumb question given I already know my biology won't allow it. I guess I was hoping someone had some extreme idea such as psychosurgery on the brain that would turn off these parts of brain that create the biological drive for sex. Just a fairytale hope on my part.

Hence, I haven't eliminated it and powerfully desire the attractive women still which are very improbable to get. True, I don't think I'm good enough looking. But I also mentioned money is an important part of the equation, however, money income needs to be high to provide, which is where I may struggle and fail. And there are other options like plastic surgery, steroids, and other ways to alter my physique, and facial bone structure. All that matters for me is getting as beautiful and powerfully built as I can.

Alright, again you are going over bounds here. "Your approach to life is not working." No, not really. It's probably the only approach I can go by given my desires and the realization that I can't eliminate those desires. No other approach exists buddy because I desire nothing else period. Period! Is that clear?



Why are you bringing up my school again? I can't recall how this came up. What does this have to do with Meetup? There is no cheating scheme to get in here. You're right I don't find much fondness in intellectual pursuits in companionship. My hobbies aren't really those types. There all "do activities" including Buddhist/shinto. I am building a kamidana from 3d modeling program and 3d printer to set up in my room. It's not an intellectual pursuit nor applicable to a conversation on kamidanas. People don't really talk about kamidana building.

Utterly sad? Only to you. And your opinion on intellectual stuff and school doesn't ring a bell with me. So doesn't matter much to me. This school is really overrated and the students aren't the most welcoming type here as I can't make friends in any of the clubs I already tried and endured going to for a long time. I did tango dancing for 3 months straight with 1 to 2 classes/practice sessions a week, talked with people and suffered extreme anxiety that never relented after going to so many classes. I got nothing out of it. The skills of dancing weren't really applicable to anything once I finished tango. Now they are all gone. A waste of time. I don't ENJOY NOR DESIRE intellectual conversations with anybody. It's boring and provides no fulfillment for emotional needs.



After being an adult for over 10 years, I've realized that is the only thing I feel worthy for doing/achieving. Cool observation. Be happy you aren't in hell.

To bring this thread back on topic:

Meetup groups can be good place to meet people if there are things you actually enjoy doing with other people and/or talking about with other people -- and if you can handle a group setting.

On the other hand, if there's nothing you enjoy doing with other people and/or talking about with other people, not even one-on-one, then I question whether it's even possible to make friends at all.

To the O.P.: When you ask for advice on things that are clearly impossible, people are naturally inclined to look for and propose possible alternatives. I'm sorry to hear that none of the alternatives can work for you.

Summed it up correctly. To end this thread I hereby admit defeat in my quest to make friends. I give up completely!