NT Husband/AS Wife

Post Reply New Topic

If she has not been diagnosed with ASD yet, see if the Autism Society of Greater Wisconson (or any other similar local organization) can refer you to someone qualified to diagnose adults -- and, if possible, a psychotherapist capable of counseling neurodiverse couples.

Also, is your wife herself open to the idea?

Replying below to several distinct earlier posts:


That sounds like a big problem which would make it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to resolve anything else.

Have you looked into assertiveness training? If you can't afford formal training, here's one relatively good online tutorial you could show her: If you can't afford formal training, here's one relatively good online tutorial on that: How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive (podcast & transcript).


Perhaps you too could benefit from training in how to be assertive but not aggressive? For yourself, you might want to look into a more specific assertive communication technique called "Nonviolent Communication" (NVC), a highly formulaic combination of assertiveness training and active listening that emphasises needs and feelings. If your wife is alexithymic (has difficulty identifying her own feelings) as well as autistic, NVC might be too difficult for HER to learn, in which case she would need to practice a less feelings-focused form of assertiveness. However, if you were to practice NVC yourself, you MIGHT thereby be able to help her get more in touch with her own feelings, as well as express your own feelings in a less threatening way.


The issues with "cuddling, kissing or physical closeness" might involve sensory issues. Have you been able to discuss with her what kinds of physical touching do and do not feel good for her? Has the possibility that her senses might be different from most people's been discussed between you and her at all?

I'm sorry if our responses are making you feel invalidated, or if some of us (including myself) may have appeared to you to be denying that your wife's possible autism is an important issue. The latter certainly IS important, and it's important for her to get a diagnosis, if that has not happened already. However, co-occurring conditions can make things a LOT worse than just the NT-autistic divide alone, and the co-occurring conditions do need to be dealt with as issues in their own right -- even if the co-occurring conditions are, themselves, a consequence of being autistic while under lifelong pressure to conform to NT standards.

Admittedly, finding a therapist who can deal with the co-occurring conditions AND who is also ASD-aware is not easy.


Yep a lot of psychotherapists are still very ill-informed about ASD. At a mental health clinic my boyfriend went to briefly in 2008 or so, he was told that they didn't believe in the idea of Asperger's syndrome at all, nor the idea of high-functioning autism. I've heard similar stories at the support groups I attend here in NYC.

Not your responses at all-it's everyone/everywhere else. It's not at all about validation, it's about acceptance. The general public is nearly completely unaware and, unfortunately, the psychiatric community as a whole doesn't seem to be much further ahead.