Emptiness

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People tend to think of emptiness as something bad. Emptiness is negative and people want positivity.

I'm discovering it. Whenever I feel suicidal, I find out emptiness helps. I nurture my own emptiness and... it attracts people. They want to be listened to and no one listens as carefully as someone with empty mind. Everyone craves for space and silence where they can be heard and seen.
And they eat up my emptiness. My family instantly uses every space I make empty. When I'm silent, they talk to me. When I don't move, they come close. All of them, big and small, want me to be the audience for their performance.

Maybe that's some lack of balance in our culture. Too much Yang, too little Yin. It makes nonsense noisy competition of loud voices and bright colors where grey empty space and silence become a priceless rarity.

I feel emptiness inside sometimes.
Then when I want to talk to others, sometimes they are not here: not attentive to others around them, on their phones like I am now (at this moment).

Last edited by caThar4G on 23 Jun 2019, 2:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Something you said... When you said about your family tries to fill every space you make empty. Something happened about two weeks ago. I was feeling under pressure and so was my mum. We needed a break as we were having a lot of visitors. My brother then seemed to think we needed more visitors because we were having difficulty in coping and he kept inviting more and more of his friends up.... Some days we had 14 or 16 people here which was stressing my Mum as they needed feeding (As they were here from the afternoon to the evening (9pm... 10pm etc) and my Mum didn't have the money to feed so many people so our food was going fast...and when my Mum was stressed I was even more stressed thinking of her trying to cope. I shut myself in my bedroom as I was going into shutdown after shutdown (Feels like fainting/sudden energy loss)... My youngest brother means well, but for him, having people around him helps him but mum and I need quiet to recharge. I seem to need it more then my Mum...
My mum didn't want to upset him but she did say she had to say something to him... I like all the people. They are all good people. Is just sometimes, when I need a break and a rest, my way of having what I need like that is to have nice quiet peaceful days. I think for him, he maybe different? His wife is also different. She is a lovely person, but she came from the busiest city in Korea so to her, when things are quiet she feels quite lonely... She is naturally used to lots of people...

We are all different. I can't personally understand wanting to live in a city. How do people do that?

I'm from a rural area with no public transportation & there was literally nothing within a decent walking distance. It is also on a busy highway with no sidewalks & steep ditches on side the road so I couldn't go walking for exercise or the sake of walking or anything. I was dependent on my parents to go anywhere; skewl, work, stores, doc appointments, my grandparents, anywhere. My parents gripped alot about having to be my personal chauffeur & kept going on about how I should of made friends when I was in skewl who could of been bringing me places. I wanted to move to the city when I moved in with my girlfriend because of public transportation, places within walking distance, & being able to go walking when I want & am able to in order to get exercise. I feel a lot more independent in some ways because I can walk to some places including the health center, RiteAid(became a Walgreens a couple weeks ago), some places to eat, I can just walk for exercise, I can walk to & from the bus station or take a bus to & from my place, & neither me nor my girlfriend can drive & we can take buses to major places like WalMart & grocery stores.

In my experience being empty is a bad thing. I relate to the needing to withdraw from others part however I felt pretty empty when I was single & lonely because I desperately wanted to have one person I could spend time with but my girlfriend is enough for me & I don't feel empty around her. I also have an empty mind which caused me to majorly struggle in skewl which is one of the reasons I never went to college & I might would be employed now if I had but I don't regret my decision even for a second. I think about the same kinds of things over & over again like something I saw on TV, a song I heard, or a conversation I had. My thoughts tend to move kinda slowly & I forget what I'm thinking about or what I was gonna do a lot.

When you repeat your thoughts, do you get more and more depth to them?

My family are mostly introverts but... they are creative. I love their creativity in general but it fills every piece of space available with parts and projects, sounds, talks on projects, music... Their creativity quickly becomes a mess without some empty space.
I'm much less creative than them, I'm kind of contemplative. But to contemplate something, to bring depth from it you need a lot of empty space.

My aunt's garden is in a grey, dry pine forest. She planted there an unusual rose bush, with sparse blueish leaves and tiny, almost purple, star-like flowers. It looks amazing, unearthly.
My mother took a sapling form her and planted it in her own garden. But her garden is rich, very green, a bit overgrown and, thougth the bush grows well and healthy, it looks poor and boring next to abundant green and rich flowers.

I feel the analogy in thougths. There are thougths that need space and emptiness to show their meaning and beauty. They are quiet, inconspicuous, but when given space to look closely, they show you their unusual beauty and value.

I do get more in depth sometimes but it's kinda the same most of the time. It's like a combination of ADD & OCD. I do have both but I'm not sure if it's entirely due to both or if other stuff in involved that I'm not aware of.