Ruined things with temper tantrum?

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Why wouldn't she take it literally? That's like saying, "I didn't really mean to fire the gun in the air and threaten my neighbor, I just wanted their attention so they'd know I want to talk." You're lucky she's still willing to meet you after you said you didn't care what she appreciates, because what you said is the definition of a red flag. It also sounds like you have very different needs when it comes to initial contact and assessing a potential partner. Why are you still interested in her? Is it for her, or what you think a relationship with her might be?

I dont think genes are that special, there are genes like ours spread throughout the world. Also, what makes you think your child will want to have children? Isn't that putting too much weight on a child? A child should be had just for the purpose of having a child, not used for a purpose of our own/selfish purposes. Giving life is a gift for another person, not for yourself.



Before meeting her, I meant, because you seem to not yet have stability in finances and the career you need, and unwilling to have a temporary job. Seems like your moms finances are rather for your own use than for a girlfriend, if she needs financial stability in a man.



Financially, knowledge-wise. You're like a beginner and weren't expecting to bump into someone with such needs as she had. There are many types of women out there, and since you might not have a ton swarming around you, you might best be financially stable before trying to open up to dating, be knowledgeable to be able to be prepared for what they will require and deal with the issues that occur. Mostly seems mid-term while you were on your way to building yourself a career which rather made it harder for you than be a good thing at a good time.



Yeah but you cant have them all at the same time sometimes, and might have to kiss a lot of frogs til you meet the right turtle (Bowsette).

From my point of view, all of my long letters were about my insecurities. But, back when we went through the good phase, she wasn't taking them that way. For example, in one of the long emails I talked about the way I was bullied in school. But then I also mentioned one of my own pranks that have nothing to do with being bullied. So she more or less ignored that bullying part and said she found that prank that I threw really hilarious. Another example of this was that, right before our first Skype, I was coming from a few days trip by the train that I took and she said I was really brave. However, when it comes to other things I told her, I talked about my fears a lot (and no they weren't related to that trip those were completely different subjects) so she ignored those other topics and still thought I was brave for taking that trip

However, after the temper tantrum the situation became the opposite. There was one time when I was confronting her about the fact that she wouldn't bring up anything to talk about and she said she just couldn't think k of any topics. So I sent her a text with examples of things she could have asked me about but didn't. One of the examples was about the way I spent time with my mom. Now, what I had in mind was something positive (my mom took me to see a movie that day, although I didn't say it was a movie since I wanted her to ask me which is the whole point of it). But she, instead, assumed I wanted to talk about negative things since I have complained earlier about my mom treating me like a child. So she said that she didn't want to ask since she thought it's too sensitive but since I mentioned it she asked how bad is it. And then I actually answered her with a long essay about all the ways my mom annoys me -- which was t what I had in mind but I a swered since she asked. She responded point by point things of the type "I am sorry your money treats you that way" but then again she became quiet a bit later

Anyway, how do you interpret it. Is it

1. When she liked me for things "other than" confidence she wanted to see me as confident to boost her liking of me, but when she started to dislike ne for things "other than" lake of confidence she started to see lack of confidence to boost her dislike of me

Or

2. At first she didn't interact with me long enough to see that what's behind long messages is lack of confidence. The reason she knew it later is simply because more time has passed to see a pattern. And her seeing that pattern is what turned her off

I guess the fact that she seemed to be turned off by something else (namely a temper tantrum) it makes it seem to be 1. But then again maybe it's 2 and the role of a tantrum is simply that confident people don't throw them.

But what do you think? Was it 1 or 2?

Let me give you an example. So I am not that interested in baseball. Do I go around saying "I don't care about baseball"? No I don't: it's pointless to be saying it. When I do say "I don't care" it's an exclamation -- and if I make an exclamation, obviously I DO care. Exclamations aren't literal, especially the ones of this kind.

The other evidence that I care is that I kept pestering her about long emails. And she knows I been pestering her: she told me repeatedly she got tired of it. So how can she believe I don't care and that I am too obsessive at the same time?



In what way? Can you elaborate?



It's because she really enjoyed long emails and most people don't. So she actually complinented me on the very thing most people dislike about me. Apart from that, she told me I am the only person who is genually interested in what she had to say -- which is again the opposite to what most people say, most people say I only talk about myself. She was also open to the idea of doing multiple phds As of now she doesn't have a PhD and she is on her 30s, but she was open to the idea. Also she was hanging on every word I said. Like she asked me what area of physics I was working on and when I answered she started asking me questions about it and then she said she spent few hours drawing diagrams to try to understand my answers. Also, with most people, I have trouble carrying out a conversation, but with her I could talk for hours on end.

Last but not least: I ruined ALL of it with just one temper tantrum. So I don't like the way how I waited for several years until I finally ran on someone like her and then just ruined it within 5 minutes of my tantrum.



I heard those lines a lot and so I spent a lot of time thinking about it. But the one
question is this: since it takes so much effort to even understand this line, is it that obvious to casual observer? I mean, if I scare people off, it has to be something obvuous. So how can something saddle like this possibly be relevant?

Like one obvious thing was a temper tantrum. But how would my throwing or nor throwing that tantrum be related to how I answer this, far more saddle, question?

Last edited by QFT on 12 Jul 2019, 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I guess the gene combination is special. And it's true I don't know if my kids will pass the genes or not, but at least I can hope they will. But if I have no kids I can't even hope.



I was looking for a girlfriend even before meeting her. That's why I was on a dating site.

I had three long term relationships before (one lasted 8 months and the other two were 2 years each) and also had some short term ones. It's true however that due to Asperger I was single most of my life, but I kept trying to find girls on dating sites, just not very successfully.



But what about all those people that date while they are still students? They don't have stability either.



Well, since the dating site told me her location, I knew distance would be an issue and I knew I "might" need to fly -- in which case it would be too expensive. But notice that I didn't say "will", I said "might" because different girls are different so some girls are happy with long distance (the third relationship I had was long distance: I was in India at the time and she was in the US) and there are other girls that might be willing to fly themselves (like the girl I am discussing in this post was). So I wanted to talk to her to see what her expectations would be like and then make subsequent decisions based on it.

Now, the reason I was upset was "not" that her expectations seemed too high, but rather that she changed them in response to my tantrum, which makes it seem like I could persuade her to change them back if only I could persuade her to forgive me for my tantrum. As far as money goes, like I mentioned earlier, she had several suggestions: one was that I fly to her and she pays half of the price, the other is she flies to me. The option when she flies to me wouldn't have costed me anything. The reason I didn't like it was that I knew it was a consequence of my tantrum which implied it was "bad".

I mean, before the tantrum the situation was the opposite: she wanted to meet in August and I was preferring we could meet earlier although I didn't say anything. So if she were to suggest we meet earlier in any other context I would have liked it. But since it was triggered by my tantrum that's why I didn't like it. After all she told me herself that her reason for earlier meeting was that she didn't want to be too attached to me when we meet so that it won't hurt as bad if things don't work out. But my intention was the opposite, I wanted things to work out, so I wanted her to be attached to me before we meet -- that's why I wanted to meet later.

But, like I said, in a different context I would have been happy to meet earlier. I mean we started talking probably early May so it would have been more than a month if we were to meet in June which is a lot of time. But you see, before my tantrum, she wanted to meet in August. So that means it wasn't enough time "for her". And, if so, then meeting in June was probably motivated by her "not" wanting to form that connection she used to want -- which is why I reacted the way I did.

I would suggest keeping casual contact with her, but don't expect much from her.

Use your extra energy to establish contacts with new women, instead of analyzing this one particular woman.

Maybe you'll meet someone even better than her. Maybe she'll come around to you again, maybe she won't.

But if you are talking to new women, at least you won't waste time waiting for her, only to lose her in the end.

It hurts to be rejected by someone who seems like a great match, but ultimately you can't change her mind. What you can do is look for women who are interested in you and treat you well.

I agree with your advice. The problem is on dating sites most women don't respond to my messages and in person most women don't approach me. So I get a woman interested in me probably only once a year if that. So I don't want to wait another year: I am already 39.

Broadly speaking I agree with "that weirdgrrl" that you not invest anything more than a casual relationship with this current friend and broaden your horizons either online or in person with other girls.

Girls are very "complicated creatures" (I put that in quotes to emphasis it's a perception in terms of me being an ignorant male) so it's quite likely it's both 1 and 2. Billy Joel (the singer) is a genius compared to me.,..read the lyrics to his "Always a woman to me". In a nutshell yes she may have disliked you throwing a tantrum and become tired reading pages of inner feelings so she went quiet...but she may want to see what happens to you, she may be curious how what she tells you influences they way you respond or react? she could even think she's doing you a favour by maintaining friendship (I've known plenty of "friend zone" girls who thought they were being charitable by spending time with me).

Hi! Just found this.

Wait, first I have to LOL about you falling asleep while she was telling you how she masturbates.


Whew! Okay. I am pretty sure signs point to her being pretty sure her and your sex drives aren't going to jive (whether she is right or not who knows, but she obviously has concerns), and the job thing started weighing on her, although at first she was probably so h*r*y she didn't care. It doesn't sound like y'all have the same values anyway, tbh, because you want to wait to have sex and she basically uses sex as an interview process lol.

I don't think you can compare yourself to them. If you were like them, you would be in their situation. Be patient with yourself and grow. Some people don't share the same skills and it's likely it'll be harder for you than them to work on relationships.



Things change. You cant take them back, you have to work with what you have or it's bound to make it worse; the sooner you can move on from them and accept them, the better it is for your relationship. Cheating your way into things doesnt even have a real reward if you succeed. Think about if you'd be trying to get someone to not leave you if they changed their mind and no longer want you. Would you force them to fake and stay with you just because you want that? What benefit do you really get from a fake life in the long term?

I think you dig too deep into issues that are none of your business and search for the truth when she clearly sometimes hides it, not necessarily with ill intent, such as telling you things are fine when she is bothered by something, and "masking" and trying to be nice to you if the issue is something she thinks she can deal herself with. It may be exhausting, she may be looking for a refuge from issues if she doesnt tell you troubling things, may want to have fun times instead. It's good if you have a suspicion to keep away from sensitive topics.

That being said, think about whether she did mask some of these things before your tantrum and only after brought them to light. I have done this in the past with my boyfriend. He got upset that id be saying im fine when i had issues going on for me in real life [we're LDR, he's autie] and when hed talk about some things id be sensitive to them and get upset easier than normally, cause i couldnt handle them so well. I also didnt always feel certain things as an issue and sometimes I thought i would be able to get over them only to later bite me in the face, returned strong. This has also affected my boyfriend because he wants me to be able to tell him issues as they occur, but its not always easy to tell which will end up bothering me and which wont and they dont always have "rules", sometimes i can take bad news really well, other times i cant at all, other times i talk them out and its not enough, i still need to talk another time more about them til i feel at peace and/or understand misunderstandings or his side.


We make mistakes, especially when something means a lot to us. You seem to be attached to her and really want her and to understand and work things out.

Last edited by Rexi on 13 Jul 2019, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Play games you like, me and my friends always got relationships in games. If you're in US chances are in games you will find girls from US close to your area, the majority of people are from US [those lucky busters!].

Go out and especially to meetings with people you know, when they meet with someone else you have the chance to meet other people, this is easier than sitting on a bench in a park because you can easily talk and are automatically closer to them, but people are pretty open to talk in parks too.

Concerning your no-sex policy you might consider dating other auties who aren't too interested in sex either (there are enough auties who dont really care about it, my bf doesnt), or even demisexuals or asexuals (if you want to give sex up completely). Religious folk have a similar policy too, though they can be closed-minded and too reliant on their peers for advice which does not always get along with an autie boyfriend.

I hope you realize you won't give your genes away as a combination. Some of your genes will be passed on selectively in your descendants, but there already are genes like those around.

The only internet game I been playing is chess on the chess.com but in this game they don't talk that much and, besides, they are mostly men anyway. As far as other video games I don't know how to play them so I would have to learn it from scratch. I am not sure if it is a good idea since -- based on my experience with chess -- I know this stuff can be addictive which would hurt my studies. But I can try I guess, I just don't want to spend too much time.



One problem is that I don't know that many people. If I come to my office, or to class, or to bible studies, or to church, they might or might not say hello, but they don't talk to me much more than that.



I guess this happened on bible studies, but it didn't help much since they would just be talking to each other and I would be an outsider. I wish someone were to make an effort to introduce me to new people which they don't.



How do you get people in parks to talk to you?



Actually, in my case, the only reason I don't want sex is religion.



Yeah I noticed that too. My question is: where in the Bible does it say to listen to your peers? At least as far as Gospels are concerned, Jesus tends to be saying quite the opposite. So it puzzles me why they use a religion as a reason why they do, but yes they do that.

But relatioships are addicting in nature.

Oh I have a "friend", my mom, who goes to lots of new meetings with custommers or they come at our home. If you're friend with such a someone the benefits can be tenfold. But shes a narc, so, downside.

Break the ice once in a while yourself, take a risk for rewards, and ask your friend to introduce you to women, tell them you're looking for someone you can date.

I use my interest of dogs to make conversation. Ask if I can pet and then I have other things I get ideas of to talk about. Anxiety, but it has positive happenings. Sometimes ppl sit next to me by themselves, other times I sit by them. I could say I am quite popular with old people. It is indeed hard to think about getting into convo with younger strangers though, but the dog thing has been successful. Except the dog picked me then, just came to me as I admired it, it knew I liked it.

I see. Although your sex drive isn't as good as that girl's either.


They trust and support each other, that's why they go to church, otherwise they would isolate and not gather since they would not agree on points of view and religious matters.