is losing friends, growing, drifting apart from them normal?

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WantToHaveALife
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02 Jul 2019, 3:06 am

I wish I could have made the title of the question longer, but I wanted to ask, is it normal, common, for people to lose friends as you age, you end up losing touch, people call it growing apart or drifting apart, even if there was no fallout to begin with, no argument or fight?

Has this occurred with childhood friendships? because all of my current friends, are people I met after high school, so I wanted to ask, is it normal, common, for childhood friendships to lose touch with each other or grow apart from each other, or even people to grow apart, drift after after high school as well? or just to lose friends during teen years, friends you were once in your childhood?

Anyone here ever lose friendship with someone you used to be good friends with like the way I described?

Also, who else has been rejected by a former friend, in which you try to reconnect with them, renew, rekindle the friendship, but they don't want to speak to you at all, sadly don't want to reconnect and it causes you emotional pain?

I went through that recently, I know that someone told me this by saying "I mean its nothing to cry over, you went this long, like what makes a difference?"

I feel its because as I've gotten older, matured, and I assume other people can agree as well, is that as we humans age, get older and mature, we value and place more importance on friendships than we did when we were younger, childhood, teenage years, etc. Also, makes us miss the innocence of childhood friendships before adulthood, not work, jobs, responsibility, dating or love drama, etc.



Mountain Goat
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02 Jul 2019, 4:37 am

It is hard to comment as I don't know what normal is. It is, however, natural to lose friends and make new ones as one goes on through life. There is nothing wrong with this. Even if we stay the same, other people do not. They change as they get older. Their circumstances change when major events in their lives happen....Like if they have started courting and have got married etc... It does not mean they didn't appreciate your friendship for a while. It just means they have a whole new set of circumstances in their lives and are trying to adjust to them.
Here is a circumstance where new sets of friends are gained and the older friends are less relevent (Not to say that as being mean here... It is natural) is where someone moves house and changes area. People used to stay in touch a lot more when it was the done thing to write letters. However, via the internet it has changed because you would not normally speak to friends over the internet who are living a few houses away....But when one moves one may not have thought to get internet details to keep in touch... Letter writing is different in this way...
Also women seem to keep friends much longer then men do. My grandmother kept in touch with soo many peolle by letter from when she was little onwards. It was only as she was older and most had already passed away before her that the number of letters she wrote were reduced.


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Magna
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02 Jul 2019, 6:26 am

I believe it is normal. "Life happens". Meaning, people change, get jobs, move away, get married or in serious relationships, have kids, have money troubles or make a lot of it, get religion or lose it, develop addictions, change ideology, get sick, etc.

Any of those kinds of things can be reasons friends drift apart. I've also read that once a man is out of college or is past college age, it's harder for him to make new friends more so than is is typically for women.

I know I drifted from a few close friends I had at age 30 and did not regain any new ones in their place.


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Fnord
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02 Jul 2019, 9:20 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Is losing friends, growing, drifting apart from them normal?
Yes. You will never again have as many friend (or potential friends) as you had in grade school. By the time you reach retirement age, you will likely have few (if any) friends at all.


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magz
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02 Jul 2019, 9:58 am

I have no idea if it's normal but I do it a lot. I'm just unable to keep old friendships.


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WantToHaveALife
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02 Jul 2019, 11:58 am

ya, even though many people will say that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, lately, I have felt jealousy, envy towards people, who have been able to retain childhood friendships into adulthood.

I should say, I feel I had good intentions, one of my primary motivations for wanting to reconnect, establish relations, communication again with my childhood friend who I lost touch with, grew apart from, drifted apart from.

Is because, when I have seen his social media page, his facebook to be exact, I've noticed that he likes attending similar events I enjoy going to, to be specific, he likes going to Anime Expo, which is the largest Anime-themed convention in the U.S. That's an event I've enjoyed and have attended for the past couple of years now, attending pop-culture themed conventions, shows, has been one of my favorite hobbies for almost a decade now.

I felt that would give us a good reason to renew, rekindle our friendship, reconnect, because most people can agree with this, having mutual interests, similar hobbies, is a large factor for developing and retaining friendships, but sadly it didn't happen.



WantToHaveALife
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03 Jul 2019, 1:02 pm

Fnord wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Is losing friends, growing, drifting apart from them normal?
Yes. You will never again have as many friend (or potential friends) as you had in grade school. By the time you reach retirement age, you will likely have few (if any) friends at all.


did you lose touch with a lot of childhood friends as well?



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03 Jul 2019, 1:03 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Fnord wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
Is losing friends, growing, drifting apart from them normal?
Yes. You will never again have as many friend (or potential friends) as you had in grade school. By the time you reach retirement age, you will likely have few (if any) friends at all.
Did you lose touch with a lot of childhood friends as well?
All of them.


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kraftiekortie
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03 Jul 2019, 4:48 pm

I don't know anybody even from high school.....

The last time I saw somebody who went to my high school was about 20 years ago.

My oldest friend is somebody I met at work in 1982.



WantToHaveALife
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03 Jul 2019, 10:17 pm

was previously wondering if I should have made this a separate topic, what do you think are common reasons why old friends don't want to reconnect with someone years later? does it normally mean they have a grudge towards you?



Magna
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03 Jul 2019, 10:26 pm

I'm not sure why old friends haven't reconnected with me, but one reason I haven't had a burning desire to reconnect with them is wanting to preserve the past as the past (in a good way).


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AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


WantToHaveALife
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04 Jul 2019, 3:03 pm

ya it definetley hurts, especially when they won't give you a reason as to why they don't want to speak to you or reconnect with you



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04 Jul 2019, 11:35 pm

Fnord wrote:
You will never again have as many friend (or potential friends) as you had in grade school. By the time you reach retirement age, you will likely have few (if any) friends at all.

Not true for me. I didn't have any friends in gradeschool. I didn't start making friends until high school, and I didn't make my first really deep and lasting friendships (via involvement in various oddball subcultures) until my early-to-mid twenties, after college.

Alas, most of my friends were quite a bit older than me. Several of my closest friends have died. Others have drifted apart, for geographical reasons and/or due to changing interests.

I now hope to make some new friends via NYC's autistic community.


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WantToHaveALife
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06 Jul 2019, 1:49 pm

ya, it definetley hurts, I have sometimes wondered if my former friend feels betrayed by me because we lost touch with each other during high school, or the untimely death of his Father changed his attitude, personality a lot.

Because that's a tragic detail I was unaware of for many years regarding my childhood friend, his Dad passed away when he was 15, a sophomore in high school, it turns out his Dad passed away not that long after me and him lost touch, yet I didn't find out his Dad had passed way until more than a decade later.



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06 Jul 2019, 2:43 pm

I, too, can't say for sure "normal" is. But I cannot maintain friendships. I moved to a new state every 4 years or so from the age 12 on, then again to go to college, then to my parents a few years after college, then for grad school, then back to the area I went to undergrad, then back to my parents, to NYC, and finally back to my parents again. (I'm 48.) And almost every time I moved or changed jobs I viewed it as a huge opportunity - I got another chance to make new friends, or reconnect with college friends, and not lose them this time. But every place I go, every school, every job, I blow it and end up outcast again.

I'm going through it right now at my current job I started a year and a half ago. Almost everyone actively dislikes me and excludes me, and yet again I have no idea what I did wrong. I must have had a mini-meltdown or something that was too loud and offensive. But I don't know how to find out exactly what I did to try to make amends. These people actively dislike me so they have no motive to help me if I ask. I am trying to just be nice and positive and helpful (and funny when appropriate) but I don't know if being as likable as I can be will ever eventually lead to being liked or at least accepted. I've toyed with the idea of revealing I have Aspergers but I worry that would just make it worse.

And while I don't know what is "normal," in terms of friendships, I tend to go by my very socially-skilled sister. She keeps friends for much, much longer, and if they drift apart it's never because people stop liking her as they do me. And the rest of my group of friends from college, as far as I can tell most of them are still close with each other. They also are all paired up, have created families, and hold onto jobs & careers. All things I am unable to do.