Why do I mostly hear negative stories about social skills?

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Hollywood_Guy
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02 Jul 2019, 5:00 pm

Why is it that with a lot of people with autism or Asperger it's so easy to find negative stories from them about their lack of social success and things like dating. Aren't there any more inspiring and positive success story experiences about social stuff coming from the regular Joe, non-famous aspies?



BenderRodriguez
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02 Jul 2019, 5:25 pm

There are. But people who are struggling are posting more, looking for advice, support etc.

At least in the L&D some of the regulars used to react to "success stories" with extreme hostility, envy and anger, sometimes even accusing people of bragging or lying. Also, advice from people who are actually in good relationships, encouragement and practical recommendations are often rejected in favour of negative echo-chambers :?


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Hollywood_Guy
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02 Jul 2019, 6:44 pm

BenderRodriguez wrote:
There are. But people who are struggling are posting more, looking for advice, support etc.

At least in the L&D some of the regulars used to react to "success stories" with extreme hostility, envy and anger, sometimes even accusing people of bragging or lying. Also, advice from people who are actually in good relationships, encouragement and practical recommendations are often rejected in favour of negative echo-chambers :?


I sympathize with the struggle to get a partner or find a date, that's why I posted this, I'm reckoning that I might be more "doomed" than I thought after all.

For the bitterness and anger of some of us about dating, I blame Tinder and social networking.



kraftiekortie
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02 Jul 2019, 6:47 pm

My friend:

You are only "doomed" if you think you're "doomed."

A woman senses things like that about men. They sense when a man lacks confidence.

I was one of those men when I was in my early 20's. I wanted women to "give me a chance." I felt this in my heart. That didn't go over well with women. Women were disgusted with me.

I knew I had to make a change. The "change" consisted of me becoming interested in things beyond the mere "finding of a girlfriend."



Joe90
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02 Jul 2019, 6:52 pm

I would post my positive social experiences, but a lot of people on autism sites have a habit of doubting your social success by telling you that you only 'think' you're socialising successfully on some occasions but really you are 'not'. So that basically sets me back into a negative spiral again.


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kraftiekortie
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02 Jul 2019, 7:27 pm

Post them anyway.....what's the point in not posting them?



JustFoundHere
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02 Jul 2019, 7:51 pm

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Why is it that with a lot of people with autism or Asperger it's so easy to find negative stories from them about their lack of social success and things like dating. Aren't there any more inspiring and positive success story experiences about social stuff coming from the regular Joe, non-famous aspies?


Thank-you for creating a topic refocusing on the negative side of social skills!

In the 'Social Skills & Making Friends' Forum here on WP, a few of us have been encouraging very doable goals which can very well boost positive sentiments. Our own sentiments have ways of becoming "self fulfilling prophecies!"



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02 Jul 2019, 9:47 pm

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Why is it that with a lot of people with autism or Asperger it's so easy to find negative stories from them about their lack of social success and things like dating.


Because we have a social disability.
And we live in a world dominated by people who have little tolerance for those who are socially clumsy.
Simples. :wink:


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I'm a thinker. Some think I'm a stinker. Pepe le Pew. ;)
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I'm not here to change the world...There isn't a big enough soiled nappy bin... ;)
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Pepe
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02 Jul 2019, 10:03 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I would post my positive social experiences, but a lot of people on autism sites have a habit of doubting your social success by telling you that you only 'think' you're socialising successfully on some occasions but really you are 'not'. So that basically sets me back into a negative spiral again.


I don't/wouldn't doubt you.
I have to disagree that autistics, in general, have a habit of doubting other autistic people about this.
Maybe I just haven't come across this sort of problem before. <shrug>

In theory, those on the spectrum tend to inherently believe people.
We have to learn that you can't trust, as a default, what neurotypicals say.
But the last time I checked, most of us here are on the spectrum.

BTW, I like to think I have overcome a lot of social misunderstanding through what I call: "Intellectual Bridges".
Meaning: We substitute intuitive understanding (which we don't have) of neurotypical social rituals with intellectual "patches".
Isn't "masking" the same sort of thing?

BenderRodriguez wrote:
There are. But people who are struggling are posting more, looking for advice, support etc.

At least in the L&D some of the regulars used to react to "success stories" with extreme hostility, envy and anger, sometimes even accusing people of bragging or lying. Also, advice from people who are actually in good relationships, encouragement and practical recommendations are often rejected in favour of negative echo-chambers :?


Well, The only forum I used to frequent was "PPR".
Where everything was puppies and kittens.
Errr. :mrgreen:
Maybe I should just shut up, sit back and listen.
There seems to be a dark autistic underworld I wasn't aware of. EEP! 8O


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I'm a thinker. Some think I'm a stinker. Pepe le Pew. ;)
Down with big business!...
I'm not here to change the world...There isn't a big enough soiled nappy bin... ;)
Autistic/scout motto: "Give me a better argument and I will listen..."
"Honesty is not a social duty, not a sacrifice for the sake of others, but the most profoundly selfish virtue man can practice: his refusal to sacrifice the reality of his own existence to the deluded consciousness of others."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8) I'm a rationalist...Deal with it...:mrgreen:


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03 Jul 2019, 12:54 am

One positive thing about my social perception is that I seen to be immune to passive aggression. It goes right over my head. Usually I only realize it upon reflection, or someone has to explain it to me later. Sometimes I feel like it's my secret weapon against people who prefer to manipulate others with guilt or shame.

As for successful relationships... well, let's say I've had my fair share of unsuccessful ones. Now I am in a really nice relationship though.


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03 Jul 2019, 1:05 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:
There are. But people who are struggling are posting more, looking for advice, support etc.


Thats about it. At the time when I am happily in a relationship, I tend not to spend that much time online anyway. Being online is a defense mechanism against the fact that I don't have a life going.

The other factor is that, when I have a "success", the relationship continues, so I have more and more opportunities to screw it up, and eventually I do. But once I screw it up, it ends, and then I don't have a chance to get it back. Thats basically the jist of my problems. If only it was possible to get things from bad place back to good place the same way as it is possible to get things from good place to bad place, maybe I wouldn't have been doing so badly.

Don't get me wrong: I hope to marry and have kids, and I hope to stay married for life. But I don't know how to get it accomplished given the above phenomenon. Others obviously do it, I wish I learned how.



BenderRodriguez
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03 Jul 2019, 1:16 am

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
I sympathize with the struggle to get a partner or find a date, that's why I posted this, I'm reckoning that I might be more "doomed" than I thought after all.

But that's what I'm trying to tell you: you're not doomed, nobody is. Those of us who have good lives might not post here that much about it (for various reasons), but we exist. It's possible.


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Pepe
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03 Jul 2019, 1:30 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:
Hollywood_Guy wrote:
I sympathize with the struggle to get a partner or find a date, that's why I posted this, I'm reckoning that I might be more "doomed" than I thought after all.

But that's what I'm trying to tell you: you're not doomed, nobody is. Those of us who have good lives might not post here that much about it (for various reasons), but we exist. It's possible.


I am puzzled about this overwhelming emphasis on finding a partner.
Is that the only way most people here find fulfilment?

Evolution has geared most of us to want to find a partner and to live on after our death through "our" children, but it is, after all, simple genetic instinct.

What about Platonic relationships?
Quote:
Platonic love (often lower-cased as platonic[1]) is a type of love, or close relationship, that is non-sexual. It is named after Greek philosopher Plato, though the philosopher never used the term himself. Platonic love as devised by Plato concerns rising through levels of closeness to wisdom and true beauty from carnal attraction to individual bodies to attraction to souls, and eventually, union with the truth. This is the ancient, philosophical interpretation.[2] Platonic love is contrasted with romantic love. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platonic_love


_________________
I'm a thinker. Some think I'm a stinker. Pepe le Pew. ;)
Down with big business!...
I'm not here to change the world...There isn't a big enough soiled nappy bin... ;)
Autistic/scout motto: "Give me a better argument and I will listen..."
"Honesty is not a social duty, not a sacrifice for the sake of others, but the most profoundly selfish virtue man can practice: his refusal to sacrifice the reality of his own existence to the deluded consciousness of others."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8) I'm a rationalist...Deal with it...:mrgreen:


BenderRodriguez
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03 Jul 2019, 1:45 am

There are a few people here who are convinced that most if not all of their problems (including depression) will go away if they find a partner :?

Some I think just want to be "normal"...

I'm nowhere near "normal", never been, never will be. I have a wife and kids and no, it's not the only thing that gave me fulfilment, not by a far stretch.

So the answer would be: I have no idea, dude :)


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JustFoundHere
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03 Jul 2019, 2:07 am

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Why is it that with a lot of people with autism or Asperger it's so easy to find negative stories from them about their lack of social success and things like dating. Aren't there any more inspiring and positive success story experiences about social stuff coming from the regular Joe, non-famous aspies?


Reading and posting negative sentiments on social skills is natural, and cathartic. Personally, after empathizing, and responding to such sentiments for too long a time, I yearn to consider, and apply proactive, concrete approaches. In a sense, asking, "where's the there.......there?"

For example, I've long been encouraged to practice small-talk; that is my strengths with small-talk skills are reaching that point of acting as a foundation to reassess weaknesses in developing friendships.

I've advocated here on WP to enlist those experienced with HFA (that also includes thoughtful NTs) to broker efforts to encourage friendships. From the lack of responses here on WP, I sense that such proactive, concrete approaches towards developing friendships seems interpreted as too much "outside of the box." Does anybody else feel the same?