What is it like to date (or marry) another aspie?

Page 1 of 5 [ 64 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Lone Replicant
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2018
Age: 1935
Gender: Male
Posts: 139
Location: Brazil

05 Jul 2019, 6:56 am

All my old girlfriends (and my wife) are NTs and, as good as it was, it was always very frustrating in the end. There's no point in explaining that I'm an aspie and trying to detail the differences between us: They ALWAYS pretend to understand just to please me, but they never really understand. Does having a relationship with another aspie differ greatly from a relationship with an NT?


_________________
More Human Than Human.


Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,208
Location: Wales, UK.

05 Jul 2019, 7:15 am

My previous girlfriend who is a very nice beautiful hesrted lady has asperges. Her son has autism. It went very well but I did feel she wasn't the right person for me.. You know when you are in love but somehow, and you don't know why, something stops you? Hard to describe as I don't know how to explain it as it is a deep down feeling... Dating her was lovely. Beautiful. She was ever so caring ad loyal. I can't fault her. Such a beautiful lady. I felt so, so guilty and sad when I ended it. For ages I was reliving it as I didn't want to hurt her in any way whatsoever. We had made plans... We were looking forward to the future... Yet somehow she wasn't the right one for me. I soo wish I knew that before but I just didn't know. It came to the point when praying that I was given a choice. I chose not to carry on because I know there is someone else out there for me and if I married her I would be destroying the hopes and dreams of the other person (If that makes sense?)... And I know she is ok. She is married. I was praying that someone would come along quickly, and the Lord had me suggest it to the person who she married as well... I am so happy they were married and all is going soo well for them. :) My only sadness is that I have lost a friend as she does not want to get in touch, and he is distant to me when I see him online. It hurts a little, but rhe comfort is that I kniw they are both doing well and are made for each other. :)
My advice is... Rather then concetrate on finding someone on the spectrum or not; concentrate on finding someone who can understand you. The guy who married the lady I was dating used to look after those on the spectrum, so he understands their needs and where they are coming from. While someone on thw spectrum may understand, they may also be very different themselves and may not understand. So what you need is someone who can understand, or quickly learn to understand your needs.


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200.
Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. May make sense to some. :)


Lone Replicant
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2018
Age: 1935
Gender: Male
Posts: 139
Location: Brazil

05 Jul 2019, 7:23 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
My previous girlfriend who is a very nice beautiful hesrted lady has asperges. Her son has autism. It went very well but I did feel she wasn't the right person for me.. You know when you are in love but somehow, and you don't know why, something stops you? Hard to describe as I don't know how to explain it as it is a deep down feeling... Dating her was lovely. Beautiful. She was ever so caring ad loyal. I can't fault her. Such a beautiful lady. I felt so, so guilty and sad when I ended it. For ages I was reliving it as I didn't want to hurt her in any way whatsoever. We had made plans... We were looking forward to the future... Yet somehow she wasn't the right one for me. I soo wish I knew that before but I just didn't know. It came to the point when praying that I was given a choice. I chose not to carry on because I know there is someone else out there for me and if I married her I would be destroying the hopes and dreams of the other person (If that makes sense?)... And I know she is ok. She is married. I was praying that someone would come along quickly, and the Lord had me suggest it to the person who she married as well... I am so happy they were married and all is going soo well for them. :) My only sadness is that I have lost a friend as she does not want to get in touch, and he is distant to me when I see him online. It hurts a little, but rhe comfort is that I kniw they are both doing well and are made for each other. :)
My advice is... Rather then concetrate on finding someone on the spectrum or not; concentrate on finding someone who can understand you. The guy who married the lady I was dating used to look after those on the spectrum, so he understands their needs and where they are coming from.

But did you feel that connecting with her was easier than with a NT? I mean, the invisible rules of the NTs make it so that in a way, even though apparently everything is fine for me in the relationship, in the end I'm wrong. Without the invisible rules it seems to be easier, though.


_________________
More Human Than Human.


IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 25,784

05 Jul 2019, 7:34 am

He was clearly ASD, but not assessed. We had difficulty communicating because he talked too much (rambling about special interests), where as I shut down and preferred quiet, and I am often mute. I got frustrated by his need for stimuli (television, music, talking, making noise 24 hours a day.) We didn't know how to express empathy to each other and most differences of opinion went unvoiced, because we felt anxious about having an argument. Arguments meant that we would have to express emotions, and that was always difficult. Basically, he was in his bubble and I was in mine, and it was hard for those to coexist without resentment beneath the surface.



Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,208
Location: Wales, UK.

05 Jul 2019, 7:39 am

I have only dated twice. The first lady was very easy to connect to. I believe she is an NT. But the asperges lady I also found a conncetion with. It is hard to tell.
I maybe NT. I maybe on the spectrum. I don't know. I dis find I could relate to the lady with asperges as in what she had I also had aspects of it, but she did have it in a different way. I mean... When she described how her mind works, my mind does not work in the same way. She says she translates from English into her own internal language inside her head. For me I don't do that, but if I think deeply, I think really well in pictures, so I often find myself trying to picture things being said. For example, if someone is reading a book out loud, I will stop at what has been said and not take any more information in until I can put it in a picture form, and then I try to catch up with where I left off on the story and if possible have the one reading go back to where I left off...


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200.
Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. May make sense to some. :)


Lone Replicant
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2018
Age: 1935
Gender: Male
Posts: 139
Location: Brazil

05 Jul 2019, 7:45 am

I think that worlds in virtual reality need to evolve soon or we will all be condemned to isolation. At least in virtual reality this isolation will be more fun.


_________________
More Human Than Human.


Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,208
Location: Wales, UK.

05 Jul 2019, 8:41 am

I am always trying to break out of false worlds... I think it is because I am so used to masking that I am always wanting to break out... Like there is a real me inside and I want to get out... Hard to explain.


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200.
Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. May make sense to some. :)


Last edited by Mountain Goat on 05 Jul 2019, 8:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Lone Replicant
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2018
Age: 1935
Gender: Male
Posts: 139
Location: Brazil

05 Jul 2019, 8:53 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
I am always trying to break out of false worlds... I think it is because I am so used to masking that I am always wznting to break out... Like there is a real me inside and I want to get out... Hard to explain.

I think that just because I know that my real self will never be accepted that I am giving up this world more and more. Being realistic forces me to accept unrealities.


_________________
More Human Than Human.


Magna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,270

05 Jul 2019, 9:18 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
For example, if someone is reading a book out loud, I will stop at what has been said and not take any more information in until I can put it in a picture form, and then I try to catch up with where I left off on the story and if possible have the one reading go back to where I left off...


Off topic, but this is what I do too; but not just when someone is reading, I have to form a pictorial in my mind to understand. I've wondered if it's one of the reasons I'm not fully present in conversations.


_________________
"There is no love of living without despair of life." - Albert Camus

"Ain't nothing but a stranger in this world
I'm nothing but a stranger in this world" -Van Morrison

AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Mountain Goat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,208
Location: Wales, UK.

05 Jul 2019, 9:28 am

Maybe.


_________________
Awaiting asessment. Neurodiverse 173/200. Neurotypical 21/200.
Empathy 11/80. AQ 39. May make sense to some. :)


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,533
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont

05 Jul 2019, 10:57 am

I never really done the whole dating thing but I've had 3 girlfriends. I met them all on forums(ladder two were this one) & the relationships were mostly long distance. My 1st was NT but she also had dyslexia, alittle OCD, & bad ADHD & I have those things as well so that's one of the reasons we connected so well & were close friends before she told me she liked me. As for my experience being in relationships with Aspies, my 2nd & current girlfriend were very different than each other in some ways. My current girlfriend has mental issues as well as physical 1s & we relate well to that cuz I also have mental & physical issues. Getting to the differences between both girlfriends, my 2nd was very independent(or at least wanted to be) & wanted a bit of alone time kinda like the stereotypical Aspie. I'm the opposite of the stereotypical Aspie because I LOVE being close & affectionate with my partner & am clingy & needy in relationships & I am dependent in other ways too cuz of my various disabilities. My 2nd girlfriend was kinda the one in charge of our relationship & things were one sided(her side) despite her being 9 years younger than me. She also had gender identity issues & wished she were a man which caused some problems in our relationship. My current girlfriend is more like me. She's affectionate & kinda clingy & needy & is dependent in other ways cuz of her various issues. Our relationship feels like it's more on equal terms. While she doesn't conform to the stereotypical woman, she's OK with being one. I don't conform to the stereotypical man either but I am OK with being one thou there was a time when I wasn't. We've been living together 6 & a half years now & while we do have some problems, we are both committed to each other & we try to work things out. Things weren't like that with my 2nd girlfriend. I was committed & wanted to work things out but she wasn't & didn't. I was planning a ThanxGiving trip to see her & she dumped me. As for how I think being in relationships with Aspies compares to being in one with NTs, I couldn't get in a romantic relationship with NTs despite trying desperately. I was too awkward. I was too direct & straightforward which put women off. I also needed women to be direct & straightforward with me but they weren't. Women were not attracted to me partly because I didn't have my sh!t together with life. I'm disabled & on benefits & even when I was working, I was kinda written off as a loser due to being disabled & cuz my jobs were minimum wage type stuff(I was making a bit of money at times thou cuz I worked a lot of overtime when allowed). Women would of been OK with me having those jobs when I was in my teens but guys are basically considered losers to lots of women when it comes to romantic relationships if they have those kinds of jobs in their mid 20s like I did. Also my personality is not sexually attractive to women. They saw me more as a good friend than a romantic partner like how straight women are good friends with gay guys. That stuff was a good reason why me & my current girlfriend are a good match.


_________________
But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn't have come here.


Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,701
Location: New York City (Queens)

05 Jul 2019, 2:32 pm

I have always avoided standard dating rituals.

I strongly suspect that at least half of my past romantic/erotic relationships, and at least half of my past friendships, were most likely with people on the spectrum, although I don't know this for sure, because none of us were diagnosed back then.

Mutual empathy is obviously easier with someone similar to oneself, the more similar the better. But this doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship with another autistic person will be easier than a relationship with an NT; it depends on the particular kind of autism of the particular person. For example, an autistic person with a tendency to talk loud is not going to get along well with an autistic person with a sensitivity to loud voices. Autistic people differ not just from NT's, but also from each other, much more than NT's differ from each other.


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,968

05 Jul 2019, 3:46 pm

An issue with relationships is that they always involve compromise. Not having the flexibility to do that will make it hard to sustain a relationship.



MaxE
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,235
Location: Mid-Atlantic US

06 Jul 2019, 8:03 am

I was in a relationship for over two years with a young woman (I met her at about the time she turned 21) who I will assume was a high-functioning Aspie. High-functioning in that she could be independent, seek and maintain employment, and join the military, but not so much that she could impress others as being normal. I'll try to make a few points that may be relevant.

We could spend hours in each other's company with both of us reading books, and only occasionally speaking to each other. She never once complained that I was too quiet or ignoring her.

She was extremely low-maintenance. She never expected me to reassure her regarding my feelings toward her. She took great pride in being a good sex partner and I guess assumed that so long as she succeeded at that, she had nothing to worry about. Being aware that she was a great fan of the Muppets, one time on her birthday I got her a "bendable" Kermit doll (basically a child's toy) and her family was horrified, but she was overcome with delight.

Regarding feelings, she seemed to only express them in terms of physical sensation. When we first met, she once or twice told me that being physically near me gave her a sort of tingling thrill through her body. Another good example, our first Summer when we had to be apart most of the time, she once told me in a very matter-of-fact way that she threw up immediately after I left her apartment (at the end of our few weekend visits) to go home to my parents' place. Regarding this, I feel a great deal of guilt in not recognizing what a desperate need she had for me at that time, which I guess she was unable to express directly in terms that would come naturally to an NT woman.

Regarding sex, she was extremely matter-of-fact regarding her enjoyment of sex. She liked to entice me into the bedroom in front of others, wanting everybody to know what she and I were about to do. She wasn't necessarily any hornier than other young women her age, but she seemed to take great pride in her ability to sexually attract and please men. In fact, she seemed to actually WANT to be objectified sexually. Although she didn't exactly have a spectacular body, she was the only woman I was ever with who told me that she genuinely LIKED her body whereas most women will typically tell you the opposite.

By the way, she probably cheated on me at least once, but I don't think she felt she'd done anything wrong, and I was basically able to ignore it.

I can't recall EVER seeing her cry. EVER.

The one time I can recall her acting like an NT girlfriend was, one time I woke up early, got out of bed and went to another room to do something, and some time later she came up to me and said in a distressed tone of voice: "you didn't hug me!". So unusual for her.

As for myself, I confess I basically took her for granted because she was so low-maintenance and today I feel a great deal of guilt for that reason. She would have been better off with somebody with real empathy.

As for my initial remark about her not impressing others as normal: A major factor in all this is that my parents, from whom I wasn't really independent at the time, were absolutely HORRIFIED at the prospect of my marrying her, basically because she "wasn't normal", but also on the basis that they didn't think her capable of monogamy (exactly how they got that impression, I couldn't say). Also my best male friend at the time (who happened to be gay) would often remind me that sooner or later I would have to "dump" her.

In retrospect, I would regard this as a cautionary tale, take from it what you will.


_________________
My WP story


magz
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jun 2017
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,459
Location: Poland

06 Jul 2019, 11:42 am

I just made my husband do AQ test. He scored 29.
I think our relationship is more like AS-BAP. It works well as we understand each other better than we understand most other people.


_________________
Keep calm and choose your battles carefully.