Help, NT wife messed up

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I need help. I'm an NT wife who has my own issues with insecurity and codependency and I pushed my AS husband too far by threatening divorce/separation too many times (out of fear, not a great tactic). He's now grown incredibly distant from me, saying he's detatched emotionally because his body feels like it's preparing for me to leave. He doesn't want the marriage to end but it's gotten bad, he's spending lots of time away from me because he doesn't want to get into arguments with me which I had been instigating in the past. I messed up, I realize this now and I need to deal with my own issues but I fear I pushed him too far. Help, please. Any advice is welcomed.

Find a good couples counselor. If neither of you wants the relationship to end, you have a good chance if you can rebuild your trust and intimacy.

I wish you all the best

Counseling. It would be good if you guys could find someone who has a background in ASD/ADHD/other neurodivergent people but I know that's not easy from my own experience.

I have ASD and ADHD and I told my husband I wanted to leave in the past several times when things were bad. I meant it. We've had to work really hard to improve our communication skills and make a conscious effort to be open to each other's needs. Admittedly I have a lot of things I'm not willing to put up with and him making an effort to improve has gone a long way... And I've had to learn to be less critical and judgmental. We also try to talk about things that upset us in the moment instead of holding it in (this was mostly me doing this and then blowing up later). We've had to learn emotional regulation skills too.

Of course, there has been some deep resentment that I've had to work to forgive. Marriage is really, really hard. Especially for someone like me. But it has many benefits and he's my best friend.

I agree on the counseling if you're both willing. No one should ever threaten to end a relationship if they don't really mean it. That's the worst kind of manipulation because you're messing with one of he most important aspects of a person's life.

Self-preservation is a basic human instinct. I believe high functioning autistics who are capable of living independently are survivors in the sense that even more than a typical NT, the person with HFA is used to having to fend for themselves since childhood and oftentimes in a reaction to maltreatment at the hand of others throughout their lives.

You very well could be right then, that your husband could already be shifting into "survival mode". "If she leaves me, what will I do? Where will I go? How will I live? How much money do I need? Should I live here or should I live there?, etc...." Subconsciously he may be planning in order to avoid having his world turned upside down without warming.

It's possible that the trust your husband has/had for you has been shattered as well by you repeatedly threatening to leave him.

Hopefully both of you can work this out. I agree that finding a therapist that specializes in working with adult autism. NT therapists treating both people in a relationship as NT could leave the needs of the autistic partner unaddressed or unacknowledged.

MrsWiggles, would you be willing to tell us what major metro area you live closest to? That way, someone here might be able to help find an appropriate couples counselor.

If finding a therapist specialising in couples therapy for folks on the spectrum is not feasible for the immediate/short term, I think that you need to take care of your own challenges as the priority until you find a suitable asd therapist.

I would have immense difficulty trusting a partner again who had threatened divorce in this context. I understand that you regret this now, but the impact of your repeated message is devastating, if I were your partner I would need to see positive long term consistent concrete actions proving your commitment to the marriage.

It can't be undone but if you work on the difficulties that you bring to the relationship perhaps that could help your partner to believe that working on his own challenges could help the marriage too.

And yet you may have not hit his breaking point. What has he advised for you to do?

MrsWiggles, your post is a perfect example of why I will NEVER let a woman marry me. I'd rather die alone. If you want to make amends, get an amicable divorce, and get out of his life for good. If he's anything like me, he probably already filed for divorce in his mind

A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7, NIV)