Why do almost all 'incels' blame their situation on looks?

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Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,660
Location: United States

03 Oct 2019, 10:02 pm

Fnord wrote:
I thought we were discussing Incels and not PUAs. They're two completely different (and even opposite) types of people.[/color]
Yes, exactly! I was pointing out how "alpha" men have little to no "lag" between initial meeting and getting sex. It often happens in a matter of hours, like it with with my former friend. So, incels see that, and want the same thing for themselves, which is understandable. However, because "alpha" men are good-looking, and incels are ugly, such a thing will never be possible for incels. Women don't want sex with ugly men, plain and simple, which is understandable too. It doesn't make it fair and honest, but nature was never fair or honest.

In 2005 thru 2017, I got around my limitations (read: ugly face and poor social skills) by having sex with escorts, even after I aged into my looks. In 2017, my sex drive tanked, and went from low interest, to apathy, to outright disgust. I can't wrap my mind around why more incels aren't doing the same thing. I know that FOSTA/SESTA pretty much wiped out the industry, but I'm sure there are ways around it. I just don't know them, since I completely dropped the habit.


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Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 40
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Location: The 27th Path of Peh.

03 Oct 2019, 11:07 pm

Aspie1 wrote:

Case in point. A few weeks ago, I took a cruise, and met a woman. She was traveling with two friends; I was solo. She took interest in me the first night, when I sang karaoke onstage. I did it in an entertaining, in-your-face manner, even though I don't have a singing voice, and probably didn't hit the notes too well. I improvised the lyrics a little, which made the whole audience laugh. I also did things like put my arms around people in pictures, and manspread while sitting. In other words, I acted high-status. Another point: looks. I aged into my looks at 27 or 28, after nearly 15 years of looking uglier than Quasimodo. Today at 36, I look pretty good. So, she found me attractive.

Now, money. I stayed in the cheapest windowless cabin I found find on the ship. She stayed in a middle-of-the-road cabin with a window. When me and her got drinks, she ordered cocktails; I ordered Bud Light and cheap vodka. In one port, she took a $109.99 parasailing ride; I took a $39.99 history tour. She wore fairly nice clothes; I wore graphic T-shirts from Walmart, except to dinner, which had a "smart casual" dress code. Basically, I wasn't rich, and she knew. And yet, she found me attractive enough to kiss me on the dance floor one night. Never did she question my "poor" cruising style, except for briefly asking me how I wake up in the morning without a window in the cabin.

Whatever lets me fake attractiveness to women today, I wish I had that at age 21. Back then, not only was I creepy, I was also so ugly, I went to a plastic surgery consultation.

It sounds like you had a pretty decent time and it sounds like you're enjoying the adventure of figuring these things out.

One of the things I know I need to recover from is well over a decade, closer to thirteen or fourteen years now, of steady work stress. When it wasn't getting wrecked by bad bosses and coworkers it was people telling me that they loved my work and I could stay for as long as I wanted for $35-40K. Even when things were going well it seemed like I was overloaded and the analogy I've come to sort of rhymes with something that Dan Dennett I believe used to talk about as being a large part of human and animal wiring - competence without comprehension. If I were to try and put my finger on one thing that's made things quite complicated for me, and just about forced me to be stratospherically cererbral in my thinking and analysis of things, it's that my brain seemed to come without that. My experience was of constantly getting wrecked anytime other people just tried something and picked it up, even not knowing the rules, and running circles around me where I'd be struggling to orient myself at the starting line with what went where or how to build a rhythm and catch speed with whatever the task was.

I can say I'm lucky to have a decent circle of friends that I can go visit, they had their own problems in their 20's that made it a bit of a mixed blessing but they have outgrown a lot of that stuff in the last decade or so. The one thing I really do want to get back to though is meditation and inner work, my current job pretty much consumed every ounce of time and energy I had for anything from the start of 2018 until relatively recently. It would be smart to focus a bit more on recovering and bringing my life back into focus. Also thinking I might get back into producing music again, pick up a few vst's to get me going, etc.

As for steps toward extroversion - I think if I were to go with it I'd have to find an angle that was genuinely me and rhymed with where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. Not sure whether that will ever happen, I suppose though - especially with what I mentioned about needing to engineer my own competence manually from the ground up - self-consistency will likely always be my primary concern and if something like that does come along great, I wouldn't fight it, but it would in my case need to be an authentic inward change working its way outward.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privelege of owning yourself" - Rudyard Kipling