Can’t connect with people.

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I have never been able to connect with anyone when I am talking to people and interacting with them I just don’t feel anything emotionally. When I was a teenager I felt no emotion at all it is only as I got older that I started to feel emotion, but even now I still don’t feel emotion when interacting with people. For some reason I do feel emotion when interacting with animals though. Anyone else had a similar experience?

If you want to start making connections with other people, I would suggest that you find a bunch of fellow animal-lovers to talk to regularly. You can probably find them just by walking around your neighborhood, but, if that doesn't work, find a relevant club on Meetup.com, or volunteer at some animal-related charity. Don't expect anything magical to happen immediately, but you may gradually become able to start making emotional connections with some of your fellow animal-lovers based on camaraderie around your shared empathy for non-human animals.

I didn't start making emotional connections with people until I was around 20. The first emotional connections I did make were with people who shared special interests of mine (though not animals, in my case).

I also struggle with connection. I'm late to my (self) diagnosis and while I've always struggled to make and keep strong friendships, I've never considered it might be something about myself causing the failure. Instead, I've always been bewildered by how wishy-washy, flakey, two-faced and otherwise shallow everyone else was. Why couldn't they just say what they meant and stick by it without all the drama? I'm only just now learning that it might be an aspie/NT difference that causes my difficulties.

That said, I still don't know what to do. I'm beginning to see the pattern of my history wherein I will assume the best of a person, only to be betrayed or abandoned when I finally *needed* them, left wondering why everything went sour so quickly and with so little warning.

Anyway, I'm here on this forum looking for advice or guidance from anyone who has solved the mystery. Let me know, ok?

Pretty much what has always happened to me, and I have always longed for a strong, very close friendship, to the point of always having an imaginary friend (yes, I'm *that* stupid).

Recently, I managed to become friends, very close friends, with a young man who's an aspie as well (I'm not diagnosed yet, but everything seems to point that way, my friend is convinced as well - I'll be evaluated shortly by a specialist). But, the thing is, I don't understand why, but towards the end of last month everything went wrong and he decided he needed a break :'(

I fail to understand the situation, what I did wrong, whether it is true that we'll eventually resume our friendship, and so many other etceteras. To make matters worse, I need time frames, deadlines, details, things to be carefully planned, and, above all, slow, gentle changes. And this 'break' was a major, abrupt change, which not only confuses me and makes me feel anxious, but also causes me a lot of pain (even physical pain due to the high levels of anxiety I'm experiencing). There are no deadlines, no plan, no carefully traced rules, nothing, regarding this 'break'. And it went from texting daily pretty much all the time, to absolutely nothing at all, over night. It's as if I didn't even exist anymore.

Fortunately my partner has been super supportive and patient. But what I need is this situation to be solved, as this guy's my only friend (besides my partner, that is), and we have an amazing connection, despite our age difference, we have the kind of connection I've always dreamt of... He's my soul brother.

Sorry if I 'stole' your post, I have been thinking for quite a few days to start a thread, but it's just too hard and, to be honest, I freak out he could be a member here as well (other than where we net, because we met online and live in different countries) and read it.

I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this. Some questions:

1) Was this only an online friendship, or have you met in person?

2) As far as you can tell, his he taking a "break" not just from his interaction with you, but from interaction with other online friends/acquaintances as well?

If he's going through social burnout -- which seems to be a common problem among autistic people, judging by what I've read here on WP -- then there's not necessarily anything you did wrong at all, and there is, unfortunately, no way to predict when his burnout will end.

I myself have, at times in the past, gone through a limited kind of burnout in which I became unable to reach out to others, but didn't mind receiving phone calls. I ended up losing some friends as a result -- including one very good friend who, alas, insisted on sending me snail mail (this was before the Internet became popular) asking me to call him, even though I had told him repeatedly that, due to my burnout, I needed him to be the one to call me. (Alas, in today's world, phone conversations between friends seem to have gone out of fashion in favor of texting and social media.)

Is there anyone in your friend's family, or perhaps a roommate, whom you can be in contact with periodically in order to check up on how your friend is doing?

If not, then I'm afraid the only thing you can do is try to forget about your friend, at least for now, and focus on finding some new friends. If he ever does come back into your life, you and he are going to have to do some serious negotiating on how his burnouts get handled in the future.

Hi Mona,

1) we're only friends online. The only friend I have in real life is my partner. Besides this guy, and besides my partner, I only have one friend who also lives in another country, and who is very rarely in touch with me, we text each other about four, five times a year.

2) it's not social burnout. Prior to him deciding to take a break from me, we had a few bad days, his doctor changed the dosis of one of his meds, and he started a new one as well I think. On top of that, and due to the intensity of our interaction (texting back and forth the whole day long during my two-week winter holidays from work and school -it's winter here-, and talking every night for like four hours), my husband objected to it and asked me to make a schedule so we could negotiate it and reach an acceptable balance. And then, my friend didn't get it, and that combined with his new meds/new dosis I guess, and first he said he felt like killing himself, and once i got him to calm down a bit, we both failed to encode what we meant to say properly and ended up hurting each other. Prior to this miscommunication thing, he did do/say something that hurt me deeply, and when I expressed how I felt, the miscommunication began.

About two days after this, he realised, and apologised, and said he needed a break because he fears he'd hurt me again and that would be just too painful for him. I basically told him he had to decide that for himself (which he thought was an attempt from me to push him away, and then I explained it wasn't, but that I couldn't think straight due to a very traumatic experience I had had that same day, which he knew about because I told him about it). He asked me how come I still wanted to be his friend, that he would have just given up, which I explained as clearly as I could. And then, a few hours later, he sent me a message saying, basically, that we are on a break because we fail to interact properly with each other, that I should take this time to think and he'll contact me when he's ready. Pretty much, that was it.

I first didn't reply.

About two days later, I sent him a very long message saying, basically, that I'll wait, even though I don't understand what being on a break entails.

And about two weeks later, I sent him a very short message letting him know I was starting my evaluation (I'm going through the process to be diagnosed). I had hoped (before this stupid break began) that he was going to be 'around' during my evaluation, especially since he's already been diagnosed and he really helps me order my chaotic mind.

Of course, there was no reaction to either message. I didn't really think there was going to be a reaction, I was just informing him what was going on.

The last few weeks, since this stupid break started, have been insanely hard, I've been so down and so anxious... The day he initiated the break, I was mugged. And about a week after that, my cat died.

And now, it's my birthday on Monday, and I'm dreading it, because... Birthdays are very, very important to me. He knows this. He knows when my birthday is, it's right the day before his mother's. He can't forget. But, if he doesn't say anything, if he doesn't stop this horrible break, I just don't know how I'll react. It all hurts too much.

I tried contacting his other friend (also, an online friend of his), asking him only how our friend is doing, but he said he couldn't reply because that would be betraying his trust. Which I don't understand. It was just saying 'well/ not well /awful'. I guess he thought I was trying to manipulate him so he'd be a middleman or something. Which I would never do, of course, that's not my style at all.

A colleague of mine (also, online, we both volunteer for the same organisation) told me to set a deadline and if my friend doesn't contact me, to contact him myself and ask him what's the deal. I've chosen my birthday. But I don't know if, on the event he doesn't call/text me then, I'll have the strength to contact him myself, nor whether that would be a smart move. I'm just so utterly confused, and so down and anxious. I need this to stop, I need this to be solved.

Sorry for the length.

So, he said he would have just given up. That, in itself, is a bad sign, in my opinion.

These days there seems to be a fad for giving up on friends at the first sign of anything less than perfectly smooth sailing. Too often, even here on Wrong Planet, I see people advising each other to give up on their friends without first making a serious effort to resolve their interpersonal difficulties and/or assert needed boundaries. For a critique of one aspect of this fad, see the excellent blog post Why The “Detox Negative People” Fad Hurts The Mentally Ill by Elizabeth Brico, August 2, 2017, on a blog about PTSD. This fad also hurts autistic people, IMO, especially given how difficult it is for many of us to make friends in the first place.


<sigh!> It's really awful that he couldn't have just tried to set the misunderstandings aside as soon as possible to be supportive toward you in the aftermath of the traumatic experience you mentioned.


Did you let him know that you really missed him? (If you didn't say that, then he might not realize you actually do miss him.)


If you have not done so already, I think you should write to him to let him know that you really miss him. Also tell him that the sheer indefiniteness of the break, of having no idea how long it will last, is driving you crazy. Let him know that it would have been much better for him to ask for a break for some definite period of time, such as a week or two, or even a month.

(Some autistic people really do have extreme difficulty processing their feelings and hence really do need long breaks when serious misunderstandings erupt. But, IMO, they should be willing to give an estimate of how long such a break would need to be, rather than keep their friends waiting indefinitely.)


That's really awful. You need friends who can be supportive toward you through times like this and not jump ship due to misunderstandings.


Did he ever voice to you his own feelings about birthdays?

Some autistic people, including myself, have extreme difficulty with ritualistic obligations of this sort. Some of us need to be excused from any obligation to do anything special for birthdays, holidays, etc. (I, in turn, don't expect anyone to do anything special for my birthday.)


Incidentally, an important part of my own concept of friendship is the ability and willingness to be a peacemaker between mutual friends when necessary. This seems to be a very unusual idea these days, but it was commonplace in the circle of friends I had back in the 1980's.


Smart move or not, it needs to be done. I would have suggested contacting him at least a few days before your birthday, but I guess it's too late for that if your birthday is tomorrow.

In any case I hope you'll find some other, hopefully more reliable online friends either here on Wrong Planet or in another similar forum.

I have a lot of issues connecting with people emotionally. When I run pass strangers my mind freezes as I get anxious enough to focus on everything else but the conversation. I also feel I have little to contribute in conversations as I feel I have nothing in common with others. I hardly do small-talk and when I do I lack focus so people think I am not interested and target me as rude. I don't do this in purpose however which is why it is all so frustrating, it is ruining my social life and well-being.

I don't want to splur more of my negativity towards anyone here. I just wonder if you guys experience the same and/or have any advice to follow up with?

Thanks for being a helpful community.

Hi:
Though I am outgoing, I have a hard time connecting with people too. However, I think it depends on the social setting and types of people and their interests verus yours. For instance, I tried to connect with two couples at an a shared air BNB. However, both couples were heavy drinkers, unlike the host and her brother who were both single. Both of them are nerds like I am and enjoy the same fandoms activities that I do. So I could connect with them better. While I was out of town, I went to a cat cafe. I connected with everyone there because we all had a love for cats.

I think on of the problems is that we are so lonely and looking for anyone to our friend but it never works

I always feel off sync with people, I've never been in a relationship and have a hard time making friends myself.

Might be a saving grace in such situations , to consider, what it might take to be your own best friend first . Just a thought ? In passing ?