single, happily married, unhappily married, divorced?

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What is your long-term relationship status?
Single and expect to remain so 18%  18%  [ 12 ]
Single so far but hoping for relationship 17%  17%  [ 11 ]
In a relationship, and expect to remain so 39%  39%  [ 26 ]
In a relationship but not happy with it 2%  2%  [ 1 ]
In a relationship but partner is not happy with it 3%  3%  [ 2 ]
Separated or divorced 18%  18%  [ 12 ]
Other 3%  3%  [ 2 ]
Total votes : 66

MrsPeel
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22 Aug 2019, 7:18 am

Update: Currently sitting at 62% single, 22% separated/divorced, 32% married and expect to remain so, with 37 votes.

I'm interested to know, out of those who are separated or divorced, if you don't mind my asking, who initiated the split?

In my case, although I initiated, it took me 20 years to do it and things had got pretty bad, I was copping verbal and emotional abuse and probably should have left long before.
So there was a huge amount if inertia on my part, and I wonder if this is an AS thing, that once we are in a relationship we don't want things to change? "Resistance to Change" is considered a trait, after all.
Discuss...



auntblabby
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22 Aug 2019, 7:26 am

^^^to answer your most recent question, was dumped after about a year.



MrsPeel
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22 Aug 2019, 7:36 am

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
:evil: Hoping :evil: for something doesn't make it happen


True, but hope can help us stay positive, and I find people react better to positivity.
Not meaning to be naive or insensitive, I know it can be tough if no-one ever gives you a break. Please don't take offense.
Just seems to me that if the past is not to be repeated in the future, one has to believe that the pattern can be broken.
So I'll continue to hope on your behalf :heart:



MrsPeel
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22 Aug 2019, 7:42 am

auntblabby wrote:
^^^to answer your most recent question, was dumped after about a year.


Ouch.



auntblabby
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22 Aug 2019, 8:50 am

MrsPeel wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
^^^to answer your most recent question, was dumped after about a year.


Ouch.

oh well, the whole thing was an important learning experience. like i heard in a movie, "a man's gotta know his limitations."



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28 Aug 2019, 1:53 pm

MrsPeel wrote:
Well, I've just been filling out a divorce application.
I got to 20 years of marriage (total 25 years together), believe it or not, before it all fell apart.

Anyhow, this got me thinking, I've heard terrible statistics about about Aspergers and marriage failures (if we ever get married at all). So this is a poll about marriage and relationships, to get some stats on this from my fellow WPeers.

This is mainly intended for those over about 30 years, who might have a good idea by now whether or not they're likely to enter a long-term relationship. I'm not differentiating between marriage and de-facto relationships, or between hetero and same sex, they all count.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this, and your reasons for voting as you do.


Still married after two decades here. I don't know about statistics. I always tended to find one person and wanted to develop a best friend, and/or life partner. That was my pattern from the beginning, but I had to sort through a lot of people, i.e. failed friendships and failed relationships, to find at last, someone that got along with me O.K., I mean just O.K. When I was young person, I was very immature and did not know what I wanted. I wasted a lot of time. As I got older, I learned what I wanted and was able to narrow my scope.

Mainly I think my husband and I get along because we respect each others spaces and differences, are polite, and are willing to compromise. Half of marriage is just being courteous and considerate, I had to work on that a lot in the beginning and modify my own behavior. He is tons better at social skills than I am, although I'm better off now than as a young person. If I could give one bit of advice, I would just say find someone with some manners. If you lack some manners, their manners might rub off on you. My husband was a good influence on me in the long run. Also, he was pretty geeky and expert in a few skills, just like me, just different skills than mine. I respect people that know something I don't know, it does not put me off or cause me envy or insecurity.


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mau_tie
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28 Aug 2019, 4:31 pm

Currently single. I was only diagnosed a few months ago, and I'm in a burnout/depression situation, so right now leaving the house is something to celebrate (and dread). I have absolutely no energy for a relationship.

I definitely do want to get married and have a family, though. I want to experience the love, compatibility, companionship, loyalty, chemistry, etc. that some couples have.

Question: Does anyone have anything to say about the aspie/aspie relationship vs. the aspie/NT relationship? On the one hand, aspies have shared experiences and can relate to one another. On the other hand, there are two communication impaired people in the relationship. I guess being aware of the concern means that you can make adaptations, though. My last boyfriend was very NT, and the advantage to that was that he could navigate social situations and incorporate me into them. Still, it's really only necessary for me to go to family parties. Everyone else I need to meet is capable of going to a quieter venue. I certainly won't meet the love of my life at some random party or crowded bar. Flirting isn't really my thing. Someone once told me it's a combination of eye contact and touching someone's arm or something like that. Right, like I could just look a stranger in the eyes and have my brain not completely shut off. And touching someone I don't know... shudder. (I love that that makes complete sense in this forum!)

Also, coping skills, yeah, not sure I have any of those things, other than to read about a heroine's leading man--one too perfect to actually exist. I don't recommend that as a practical or helpful method unless you have anterograde amnesia.


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Gentleman Argentum
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29 Aug 2019, 11:24 am

mau_tie wrote:
Question: Does anyone have anything to say about the aspie/aspie relationship vs. the aspie/NT relationship? On the one hand, aspies have shared experiences and can relate to one another. On the other hand, there are two communication impaired people in the relationship. I guess being aware of the concern means that you can make adaptations, though.


Probably, what you want to do is try aspie/aspie next time around, because you mention a benefit for that. Having two communication impaired people sounds like a negative, but adaptions can be made just like if one were single. Then it is not such a big deal if you want to stay home at night, and your spouse isn't off doing something on their own with who knows what.


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30 Aug 2019, 2:42 pm

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
mau_tie wrote:
Question: Does anyone have anything to say about the aspie/aspie relationship vs. the aspie/NT relationship? On the one hand, aspies have shared experiences and can relate to one another. On the other hand, there are two communication impaired people in the relationship. I guess being aware of the concern means that you can make adaptations, though.


Probably, what you want to do is try aspie/aspie next time around, because you mention a benefit for that. Having two communication impaired people sounds like a negative, but adaptions can be made just like if one were single. Then it is not such a big deal if you want to stay home at night, and your spouse isn't off doing something on their own with who knows what.
True.
I find I tend to have more communication problems with NTs than other Aspies. NTs are not direct & straightforward enough with me which causes misunderstandings & I'm too direct & straightforward for NTs & they interpret what I said in an offensive way when that was NOT my intent at all. My 2nd & current girlfriend are on the spectrum. I was single & looking for 8 years after me & my 1st girlfriend broke up cuz NT women would not give me half a chance. They saw me as too disabled(not having my sh!t together enough in life) & they were also put off by my retarded social skills.


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31 Aug 2019, 12:55 am

Yes, I think it takes a certain type of NT to mesh with an aspie, they've got to be comfortable with giving and receiving direct feedback. No hinting, subtext or double-talk, please! (And definitely no guilt-tripping, gaslighting or other passive-aggressive behaviours!)

Thanks everyone for your stories and comments, please keep them coming.

Current status: Divorces are down to 20% and we've gone up to 36% in a relationship and expect to remain so (is it a summer thing, I wonder?)



auntblabby
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31 Aug 2019, 12:57 am

ex told me if i was NT or successfully emulative of NT, it woulda worked.



MrsPeel
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31 Aug 2019, 1:04 am

which actually sounds a very AS thing to say (if it was thoughtless)
or else a very incompatible-NT thing (if it was spiteful)



auntblabby
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31 Aug 2019, 1:06 am

basically i needed to be higher functioning than i was/am. the ADHD was the worst part of it.



MrsPeel
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31 Aug 2019, 1:11 am

impulsive behaviour, that kind of thing?



auntblabby
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31 Aug 2019, 1:14 am

being flaky [scatterbrained, unreliable despite my best efforts, in fact the harder i try the worse it gets]. also the other person methinks had a touch of Borderline. not a harmonious combo.