New here; unsure if I am autistic or not.

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Hello everybody!

I am a mid-40s-years old human. I'm non-binary, but any pronouns will do just fine thanks. The site didn't have a non-binary option on the gender selector so I just put female, but as I'm outwardly male-bodied I won't go invading the women's section unless someone lets me know that might be a good idea for some reason.

I am currently diagnosed with
major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe
generalized anxiety disorder
social anxiety disorder
Along with that I have chronic pain, some of which can be explained by a neck injury and years of sedentary lifestyle because of my depression, but some of which is less obvious in origin.

I am receiving appropriate psychiatric treatment for the above diagnoses, but the treatment doesn't really help much. I've been pretty much completely disabled since maybe 2005 or so, and a recent review of 180+ pages of medical records from the 2009 time frame reads identically to my current situation if you just switched out the dates. I've tried all the common antidepressants (the only category excluded has been MAOIs because of suicidality; having those meds would be like keeping a loaded gun in my house, not a good idea for me). I've had two-thirds of an initial course of ECT a couple years ago; I was pulled out of the process before completion because the doctor thought it wasn't helping. After the "ECT fog" dissipated and I was able to assess my "normal" more carefully, it was clear that the ECT did help significantly with my symptoms, however the improvement only lasted about 4 months before fading and I decided that it wasn't worth the huge effort and complication of going for more.

A lot of years, I just kind of subsist. But the past year or so I've been realizing I'm not likely to die soon and I've been motivated to do something to improve my quality of life. So I've been doing tons of research trying to figure out what else is in play and why my depression is so treatment-resistant. And in the course of that research, I keep running into clues that I might be Aspie or Autistic to some degree. And then a few weeks ago my best friend (who is on the spectrum some place) gently suggested to me that she thought I was.

So, I am working on getting an appointment with a therapist (I've done a lot of therapy in the past, almost all of it CBT, until I had CBT essentially memorized and gave up on going to more) to discuss the possibility that I have some kind of autism-related thing and also to investigate potential PTSD from childhood stuff. And I don't really know how to assess if I am investigating in the right direction as far as autism is concerned. I've read all the related pages on wikipedia, but while I feel that a lot of the key features of autism are things that feel familiar to me, I don't have confidence in my thought that I'm on the spectrum or know where within the available definitions I would really fall. I don't want to be one of those people who reads a wiki article about a disease/syndrome/otherthing and jump to the conclusion that I should apply that label.

So, any advice on areas of wrong planet that would be particularly helpful, or things elsewhere on the net I should read (remembering I've googled a lot and probably read the most obvious things) would be appreciated.

Additionally, it's good to have found this place and I look forward to meeting you all!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Alas, very few mental health professionals know very much about ASD, especially adult ASD. You need to find a psychotherapist who specializes in ASD and who does adult diagnosis.

If you would like other readers here to help you find a suitable practitioner or at least give you good advice on where to look, it would help if you could tell us what country you live in and which major metropolitan area you live in or near.

Welcome to WP!

Some autistic people (it seems more common in females but it's not really gender-selective) "fly under the radar" by masking their symptoms to appear normal until their mental health becomes a mess. That was my case and it could also be your case.
The most important thing for me was learning terms to describe my internal states: sensory overload was the term to describe "this pain-like sensation without actual pain" that lead some mental health professionals to believe I was delusional. Meltdowns were the attacks of hysterical crying "for no reason" I struggled with for all my childhood. My sudden temporary losses of intellectual abilities are most likely partial shutdowns. Probably some long-term partial shutdowns were also diagnosed as depression but some depression meds help so it's okay.

You can take the Aspie quiz: http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
It's not a diagnostic tool but it can help with self-understanding which I find crucial to mental health recovery.

Welcome,

I'm sorry to read about all the things you have to deal with. I hope you find an explanation that helps you understand your life experience a bit better. If that's on the spectrum then welcome to the club. If not I hope you find your answers somewhere.

You don't need an autism diagnosis to try out stuff autistics do to reduce stress in their life.

Just see stuff here and try them out to see if they help!

For instance, stimming or repetitive stuff helps many on the spectrum relax.
I'll play or loop songs over and over and over to help reduce my stress.

Sensory overload. Avoid excessive lighting. I've reduced the wattages of the light bulbs at home and saved on my electric bill! Wear high fidelity earplugs at movie theaters.

Every autistic is unique, so what works for me may not help you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Firstly, thank you to all for the warm welcomes!

Secondly, I realize now that my OP sounded more like a sob story than intended; I was just trying to be clear about what things are mostly-well-known, what things are in question, and what things have been attempted. Sorry if it was a bit of a downer.

I live in Tucson, Arizona, United States, North America, Earth (in the Sol system).

Thank you for that information, and it seems reasonable that could be the case for me too. I appreciate the terminology tips!

My major depression is not in question (at least not in my head); although I'm thinking that being aspie may have been a heavily contributing factor to early childhood stuff that made the depression worse throughout my life.

Thank you for the link! I had of course found dozens of quizes claiming to be that kind of thing, but was hesitant to actually make use of any of them until I had a recommendation about which ones were generally considered informative, and which ones were just clickbait etc. So your pointer was very useful. Here are my results from the quiz you linked:

I was very high on neurodiverse for talent and perception, while closer to the middle on both NT and ND sides for communication and social, and then relationship was very low for NT, and middle of the range on the ND side. I tried to post the link to the output but the forum won't let me yet because I'm new here.

Thank you for your empathy; and while I couldn't call my situation optimal, I am well taken care of in terms of food, housing, internet access, etc. So while I have a pile of internal issues I'm working on, I don't have any bad external things to bother me right now.

Well, if the quiz results above are any indication, I'm about ready for my club membership card.

That is an excellent point, thank you.

I loop songs, and I play (often repetitive/"grindy") video games.

Always. I pretty much live in dark mode.

I don't go to movie theatres often, but I purchase earplugs (Flents QuietContour(tm)) by the hundreds, just to be sure I won't run out. (I do re-use them quite a few times each, but it's comforting to see the big jar on my bedside table for some reason)

Apparently, what works for you is exactly what works for me. I almost want to prompt you to list a ton more, just to see how long the streak will last before you list one that I don't already do, but I'll resist that impulse.

Yay! I think I'm going to learn a lot here. Thanks again everybody!

Welcome to Wrong Planet. You are most welcome here. I don't know if I am on the autistic spectrum or not either! Haha... I can just see many on here placing bets, so when I am assessed you can see who wins!

It probably is a good plan to get an assessment if you can. It will at least put your mind at rest rather then being in the situation of not knowing. This is my way of thinking about it.

Anyway. Welcome. Great you are here.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Many of the conditions you describe are caused by stress. Stress is cumulative. Unless it is vented properly, it builds into distress.

I recommend a couple books for you to read:

"In an Unspoken Voice" by Peter A. Levine
"The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process" by David Berceli

Is the stress involved in getting diagnosis worth it? It is likely that the only benefit will be the assurance from a professional of what they think you have, and that hasn't worked all that well in the past.

Here's a list of "doctors who diagnose adults in Tuscon" on the website of the Autism Society of Southern Arizona.

If you can't afford any of these and your insurance won't cover it, you might want to try looking for a place where psychotherapy student "externs" work under the direction of a fully qualified psychotherapist who specializes in adult ASD. Perhaps someone at the Autism Society of Southern Arizona can help you find such a place.

Nice to meet you and I'm so glad you posted. I 'flew under the radar' for the first 50 years of my life. Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you so much for the lovely welcome! It's good to meet you. While I probably won't ever reach your post count, I have gotten nothing but good impressions from everyone here and intend to stick around.

Yes, stress was a big part of turning my mostly-functional young adult life inside out. Silicon valley during the early 2000s.

Thank you for the recommendations. While I've not read extensively about Body Psychology / Somatic Psychology, nor Levine's registered-trademarked derivative thereof (Somatic Experiencing(R)), it seems to be a rather niche technique and I'm not at all certain I fall within that niche. I'll let my new therapist decide what direction to go in there.

Thank you for questioning that! It's too easy to focus on "How should I do this task?" without first considering "Should I do this task?"

Getting a diagnosis isn't stressful for me. Leaving the house to go see a doctor (or go to the grocery store, etc.) is stressful. But once I'm in a room with a professional, there's not much stress at all; if they seem to be understanding me and/or having useful ideas, that is anti-stressful. And if they seem to be incompetent, I'm just killing time until the appointment is over by answering whatever questions they ask or whatever, there's not any ... danger? That's the wrong word. But there just isn't anything to be stressed about. I guess most of my stress is social anxiety, which is worst in situations where I don't know what's expected of me. In a doctor's office or therapy session, I know the script and so I am not in fear of screwing something up by acting the wrong way. I just answer the questions and participate in the discussion, and I let the professional direct things because they know more than me.

Also: My past doctors and therapists have been immensely helpful. Without my meds I would be dead by now. Actually, I would have been dead in 2004 or so. Without the therapy I have had in the past, I would be much worse off in a variety of ways. So I'm appreciative of the help I've received. I just feel like it's possible to make progress at this stage of my life, and no progress is being made (from the vastly improved state I've arrived at some years ago). So I'm looking for additional information.

Thank you so much for the links! I looked at the list and clicked on the only one who had a website listed and she looks perfect. Areas-of-focus listed include all my known and suspected diagnoses, and the other marketing stuff seemed pretty reasonable; I sent her an email with a couple of pre-appointment questions so we'll see how that goes.

Thank you for the welcome, and the assurance I'm not the only one who managed to discover this about myself so late in life.

I have only been on here for a few months. Post count can go up quite quickly I guess.