Puzzling!

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Why? Well. I can be in a room full of people (OK... Half full as I don't like crowded rooms) and be lonely even though I know the people. But why? Why deep down can I feel lonely?
It is something that puzzles me. Yet, I can go for a walk on my own and not neccessarily feel alone at all. Strange eh?

Physically you aren't lonely when with other people, but emotionally you can be lonely. I think feeling lonely around other people can be caused by a social disconnect or not being able to relate to them, or being ignored, offended, criticised or made fun of.
Sometimes one can feel even more lonely around people than they do when by themselves, even if they still feel lonely by themselves.

I sometimes feel like I am disconnected, even in a small group of five or six people. I hear and see them talk, but it feels like I am on the outside watching, not part of the group. I have trouble participating, sometimes I cannot even follow the conversation. It is like I am watching a movie.

I feel a bit like I am in school. I mean... You know when a teacher visits your teacher and they talk to each other on a level which excludes the pupils in the class? As if the pupils are not there... And then your teacher will get back and carry on talking to you. I am like that in the workplace where general chitchat is done with others but they don't seem to do the same to me... However, anything more practical and I am included. Is like a two tier system where I only have access to one tier.

I remember when I worked on the railways. I felt left out as no one spoke to me much about general gossip, but all technical aspects they would share. (Yes, we had many conversations about other things as well but gossip I was always the last to know...)
Anyway. I prayed that I wanted to be included in gossip. Oooh. Everything went wrong. Someone told me something and then I had a partial shutdown where I could hear the person talk but it all wasn't going in, and I was confused, and then I told someone else who I shouldn't have... And everything went wrong!

So God showed me the hard way why it is best for me to be as I am and not get involved in both tiers of these social types of conversations. I am happy not to be fully involved, as I am too open. I live my life without secrets, and so I tell others not to shae secrets as I will have to either ignore what they say or I am using my brains memory up on things I don't need to hold.

I like to be included in workplace gossip too. I always seem to be the last to know, but if I ask about things I get accused of being nosy. But it's rather natural for most humans to want to know what's going on among people they see every day, and it's not like I'll spread the gossip. I just like to know things, A, because I'm interested, and B, because it makes me feel included. But the rule is to wait to be told gossip, which is how everyone but me knows everything - because they tell each other. But me, people don't tend to tell me unless I risk asking.