"But a woman's number of options doesn't matter!"

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magz
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13 May 2022, 7:38 am

rse92 wrote:
Seriously, you could write love sonnets like Shakespeare could, but your profile is going to determine whether she is ever going to give you an answer. And that's a two-way street; men are no different

Nope.
And it's not about sonnets.
It's about safety.
The first question is "is it safe for me to get involved with this guy?" and there are way more hints to the answer in what he posts than in how he looks on a photo.


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kraftiekortie
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13 May 2022, 7:44 am

Yep....you have to consider safety when there's a bunch of anonymous, potentially dangerous people who pass themselves off as being decent people.

I'm not so cynical that I believe there are no decent people around. The majority of people are decent.

But one still has to be wary.



magz
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13 May 2022, 8:06 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Yep....you have to consider safety when there's a bunch of anonymous, potentially dangerous people who pass themselves off as being decent people.

I'm not so cynical that I believe there are no decent people around. The majority of people are decent.

But one still has to be wary.
When you have 99 decent neighbours and one burglar, you need to be wary of the burglar.
For some reasons, maybe social, maybe physical, women are more often aware of it in the context of dating.


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rse92
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13 May 2022, 9:27 am

Not sure if men on here are idealistically romantic, faux naive, or just saying what they think is politically correct, but i know and you know that if she doesn't like your photo, she won't read your profile, and if she doesn't like your photo or your profile, she will not respond to any contact and certainly won't be contacting you.



magz
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13 May 2022, 9:33 am

Maybe you know. I don't. I haven't used dating apps. I'm talking about general rules of real life meeting of people from the internet and general rules of early dating (before you get to know each other well).
Safety is the concern number one. It goes before attraction.


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kraftiekortie
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13 May 2022, 10:08 am

If a guy doesn't like a woman's picture or profile, he won't respond, either.



rse92
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13 May 2022, 10:48 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
If a guy doesn't like a woman's picture or profile, he won't respond, either.


Pretty sure I said that in a post earlier today.



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13 May 2022, 11:04 am

Since list-making is one of my special interests, here is a list of 16 things (collected from around the 'net) that seem to make women feel the undeniable urge to swipe left on dating apps:

• Blatant Misogyny: You turned your bio it into a soapbox, dedicated to everything YOU THINK is wrong with women (i.e., assertiveness, being "picky", independent thought, mood swings, et cetera).

• Boring Pics: Grainy, poorly-lit images; multiples pics of you in the same pose wearing different baseball caps; a group photo of dozens of dudes and you want women to play "Where's Waldo"; you just standing there, staring at the camera ... BO-RING!  Show some action, and let them see you doing something!

• Condescension: Stating "Swipe left if you do not like <whatever>" just makes you look like an arrogant a-hole.

• Emojis: You are an adult.  You do not need emojis.  Use real words like you were taught in school.

• Emphasis on Something Other Than You: If your first profile pic features someone or something other than you, you are messing up.  Show off your friends or pet in the next one.  Make yourself the star.

• Empty Bio: It is a big red flag to anyone that you are hiding something or that you are not proud of who you are.  What are you ashamed of?  That is your opportunity to make women curious about your good qualities ... use it!

• Few Pics: If you have other things on your profile to make up for the lack of photos, than it is not a big deal. If you do not, then having three or fewer pictures is a bad move.

• Filters/Captions on Pics: Unless it is funny or relevant to something specific, they are just weird and do not do you any favors.

• Lies & Damned Lies: Claiming you are a decorated veteran when you are not is simply wrong.  Claiming you are single when you are still married is even more wrong.  Claim nothing that is not the absolute truth about you.  Lies can be found out, and any lie you tell can and will be used against you.

• No Shirt: No matter how proud you are of your body; popping pecs and a rippling eight-pack make you look desperate.  Put on a shirt, preferably one with sleeves (Hint: women are not turned on by wrangly pit hair).

• No Smiles: While there is no doubting the power of your smoldering stare, a pic with you smiling (show some teeth!) goes a whole lot further, making you look friendly and approachable.

• Not Trying At All: Believe it or not, some guys just write "hookups" in their bio and think that is going to do the trick.  If it does, congrats ... but get a full medical exam with blood tests.

• Random Quotes: You can use a quote in your bio if it is accompanied by some of your own thoughts.  Just using the quote by itself is pretentious and unoriginal.

• Sesquipedelianism: Big words are not all that impressive, especially if you are using them incorrectly.  Keep it simple, interesting, and genuine.  Funny never hurts, either, especially if your humor is aimed at yourself.

• Too Nice: Every girl's dream is NOT a man who always says what she wants to hear.  Say what you like; so if you do not like piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, or disco music, then do not say that you do.

• Too Weird: Be yourself, but if your self likes to only talk about conspiracy theories, cryptozoology, special interests, or what the voices in your head tell you, then you may as well take down your account.



magz
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13 May 2022, 11:23 am

^ Men should also swipe left on such "red flags" like height or income demands and most of the listed above.
The internet is full of toxic people and filtering them out should be done before furter evaluation of attractiveness.


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Fnord
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13 May 2022, 2:14 pm

magz wrote:
^ Men should also swipe left on such "red flags" like height or income demands and most of the listed above.  The internet is full of toxic people and filtering them out should be done before furter evaluation of attractiveness.
With that in mind, most gynotropic men (especially the younger ones) seem to be attracted to women by their appearances.  It normally goes without saying that men will therefor be attracted to women whose appearances fall within a wide range of physical parameters related to her physical health.  Thus, any reasonably healthy woman can eventually find a man who is interested in her by simply showing a her picture.

However, there are some things often mentioned in on-line profiles that may inspire a man to look elsewhere.  Some of the most prevalent are:

• Bitterness, Expressed or Implied: Simply mentioning that you may have had a troubled relationship in the past implies that you will likely have more troubled relationships in the future.  No man wants trouble.  Sweeten up!

• Checklist of Conditions & Standards: Stating even one minimum requirement immediately identifies you as a "picky" woman -- one who will likely criticize every aspect of a man's life.

• Desperation: Do you have a "ticking clock"?  Are you feeling anxious that all your peers and siblings have each found their "special someone" while you have not?  Are your parents pressuring you to get married (and maybe produce some grandkids)?  If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, under no circumstances are you to say so in your profile, as this smacks of desperation.  I know of no man who is happy at being considered a woman's last, desperate chance at love (unless he is into domination and exploitation).

• Desire for Commitment/Marriage: Most men seem to want to "Take Things Slow" when it comes to relationships (unless it has to do with sex, of course).  References to marriage and/or weddings -- even if it is just a pic of you in a bridesmaid dress -- may make a man a leery of getting to know you, because you are "obviously" hinting that you are seeking a husband.

• Lame Opening Line: While a one-word greeting is one way to start an introduction, it is best to immediately follow-up with a few significant words about yourself.

• Little or No Biographical Data: This, coupled with "Obvious Photoshopping" or "Too Perfect" (see below) is a red flag that indicates you are promoting your appearance, not your self.  If you have little or nothing to say about yourself, then men will see you as just a body, and will likely behave boorishly toward you.

• Negativity: Unless you are specifically looking for a man who is into depression and darkness, keep things light and positive.

• Obvious Photoshopping: Many men are tech-savvy enough to be able to spot minute irregularities in even the best of Photoshopped images.  Better to wait for that unsightly pimple to fade away than to try impressing men with that "air-brushed" look.

• Too Many Head Shots: If a man sees only pics of your face, then he is likely to think your whole world is all about you.  Try including some outdoor shots with you doing some every-day activities that interest you.

• Too Perfect: While you may be a 10/10 swimsuit model in real life, many men will feel intimidated and reject you as being "out of their league" if they see you posed in your favorite bikini.  They may think you are just trying to sell your body, too.  Or they may just think you are a bot or a "catfish" using a random model's image to attract men and boys.  And while you may not want to "date down", men who are also 10/10s may not be so picky.



magz
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13 May 2022, 2:37 pm

^ "How to get attention" is rarely a problem for a generally healthy woman.
"How to get the desired kind of attention and avoid the very undesired kind of attention" is a more common problem.
The problem has been signalled in the "Little or No Biographical Data" point but not taken to further extent overall.


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Fnord
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14 May 2022, 2:31 pm

magz wrote:
^ . . . "How to get the desired kind of attention and avoid the very undesired kind of attention" is a more common problem.  The problem has been signaled in the "Little or No Biographical Data" point but not taken to further extent overall.
You, being a woman, would have greater insight to this subject than I, so please elaborate on what you know.



magz
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14 May 2022, 3:01 pm

I know how annoying it was when I couldn't do my crossword in a metro train because some random guy kept "offering help" to me.
I know how disgusting it was when a guy on a train turned out to be masturbating behind a newspaper while looking at me.
I still think I'm usually having it light... no physical assaults and I'm able to put down catcallers so they don't try again. It's hard to explain feelings - this kind of disgust when someone keeps violating your boundaries again and again.


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SharonB
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14 May 2022, 10:44 pm

I hear ya' magz. I still dress down to avoid unwanted attention. I also had one particularly horrid subway experience. I was fortunate that the sexual harassment/assaults I experienced were relatively minor. Many women I know can't say the same.

My husband admits he initially chose me for my looks, came to enjoy my enthusiasm and it wasn't until much later he realized the boon of my intelligence. Teasing: Clearly I chose him for his looks.



magz
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15 May 2022, 2:09 am

I definitely dress down, in a nerdy, asexual style. It helps, I think. Occurences like that are not common but Fnord asked me what women want to avoid and I gave examples from my own life.
My husband says the first impression I made of him was intelligence - though I'm "his type" physically, too. And I chose him for his intelligence and creativity. He's physically my type enough and intellectually very my type.

Yesterday I was shopping at a mall and the cashier was a really beautiful young woman - natural blonde, no makeup, authentic natural beauty. Her body language was extremely nervous, all like "don't you ever try to approach me".
I felt for her. Cashiers often get naughty behavior from clients but imagine you're a beautiful young lady without sharp tongue in this job. It must be horrible.


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15 May 2022, 12:25 pm

I would soooooo like to dress up and "show off". I do so on occasion when I am with my husband and am "safe" that way. I also got drunk once with him, to see what it's like. But o/w I won't b/c bad things too often happen to inebriated women. Must be in control. Must not relax. Must be on guard to protect myself. Darn sympathetic nervous system; I wish my parasympathetic nervous system worked better.

In regards to dating profiles it reminds me that even in the work world I learned not to "show off". I have heard way too many times: "they are intimidated by you", "they don't like intelligent women", "they don't like strong women"... When I was dating my husband I probably was "gentle" to start, but then began testing him (showing my forceful side) - he survived then and decades later.

Trying to meet the long-standing cultural norm for women (a princess in need of rescue) ruined me. I think I have a split personality from it. How would that read in a dating profile? "Skilled in masking; certifiably."