"But a woman's number of options doesn't matter!"

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So I had a debate with a female acquaintance regarding dating; and it started by coincidence.

I showed her a woman's profile (who's very good looking) on my phone screen, because she was curious what kind of women I message on dating apps (long story) - she liked how she looks and what she wrote, so I sent her a first message .... she replied to it after like 20 minutes, so I sent her the next question, which is also something based on her profile and that acquaintance's advice.
During the evening outing, she kept asking me 'so did she reply yet?' and the answer was always no, she asked like for 10 times, at the end I was like "You have to be patient, a woman who looks like her probably receives tons of messages from other guys as well, maybe she won't reply anymore".
And she was like:

She: "It does matter! Numbers don't matter! What matters only is your confidence and if two click well! Even if she has 1000 other guys chatting her, that won't matter if you are "the one".

Me: Come on, how does that not matter? of course it does, if she has 1000 other options it means I have 1/1000 chance that she will pick me.

She: But nooo this is not how it works really! Confidence is the most attractive trait ever.

Me: How confidence is even relevant in that use case? we just exchanged only two texts.

She: Anyway any girl online receives tons of attention, that doesn't mean she's of high quality.

Me: Look...are you telling me that a very unattractive woman who gets 0 male attention in her daily life would have the same pickiness and standards as someone super attractive who gets tons of male attention everyday? You really think that the amount of options has no effect on that?
Come on ....of course numbers matter!

She: <kept denying with her soulmate narrative>.

She: Confidence means to believe that only you can be you, no one else can be you, and you are well educated and cultured.

Me: And so some of the 1000 may also be well educated and well cultured too. Some among them may even be better than me in every way.

Me: Let me give you an analogy, let's say you are lost in desert starving and you found 5 rotten apples in a box, ...of course you are gonna pick first the least rotten apple and eat it. Right?

She: right.

Me: Ok, now imagine you are a in supermarket, and you wanna buy an apple, of course you are gonna buy the most shiny apple out of the hundreds of apples on the shelf, right?

She: But people are not apples ....<soulmate narrative>.

<the whole evening passed and the online girl didn't reply yet>


So let's the fight begins!


Which school of thought you find the more logical one?

There's never been a "shine" to my skin....

What I can say is that online dating sounds like a nightmare...

Maybe your friend was trying to encourage you or be nice, but what she says makes no sense. How would you "click" or how would she fall madly in love with you (decide you're "the one" ) when you barely exchanged a couple of texts?! And you having some kind of blind confidence in a positive outcome won't exactly produce a miracle either...

Sounds more like the lottery... you have some chance but it's probably not great.

I found my soulmate on a river.

Nope....

Rolling....Rolling....Rolling on a River

I'd have to be starving to death before I'd pick *any* of the rotten apples to eat. Even metaphorically.

I have a profile on OKC, which says up front I have HFA. I'm overweight, balding and pushing 60. I get messages, and not just from catfishers. Have met a couple of neat people on OKC.

The few people I've messaged have always responded, even if it was 'Not quite what I'm looking for, good luck'.

Both CCR and Tina!

I'm reading the book "Outliers" which yet again indicates circumstances matter. Yes, we can create opportunity on a micro scale (your friend's point) but there is more to it on a macro scale (your point). So as always, the answer is "Yes" to BOTH (not one or the other).

I believe I could of been married to Miranda Cosgrove if I would of ever figured out how to meet her & spend a bit of time with her. People tell me I'm delusional thou so I guess your line of reasoning is probably more right Boo.

When I was dating I had a profile on OkCupid. I received tons of messages in a day, and my philosophy is that it's quality over quantity. I responded to as many as I could, even if it was to say I wasn't interested or to just see where the conversation went even if their profile didn't strike me right away. The people who always kept my attention were interesting to talk to, I didn't feel like I had to "prop up" the conversation, they clearly read my profile and were interested in me as a person, and we have things to talk about beyond "I like to breathe air too, cool."

The number of options didn't matter to me as much as the quality of the options. If I had received 500 messages and I didn't connect with anyone, I wouldn't have gone on any dates.