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Amity
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27 Sep 2019, 1:36 am

BDavro wrote:
Amity wrote:
Is the ticking biological clock a social concept that we internalise, is it a biological need, is it an emotional/psychological want/need?

I decided and made peace with the idea that I would not have children almost 5 years ago now.
What made it difficult was that in my 20s I experienced at times what i can only call a completely hijacking of my rational self by a overwhelming desire to have children. Which I didn't pursue.

This has passed for the most part... at times if I'm holding a baby I feel it creep back into my consciousness, or see a mum and baby interacting the way I would have with my own, the experience doesn't hijack me like it used to though.
Looking at pre teens and teens is the best reality check.
Can anyone relate to this? Or not relate? Understand it and inclined to share?
All responses welcome.


I am the greatest uncle.

I have about 28 cousins, and those have had children well, their kids love me and call me uncle.
The truth is I prefer their company over that of the adult's at family gatherings.

I don't want kids, I'm not sure I could be the father I'd need to be, I'm not sure if I'd ever sleep another night if I had a child, well, being male, it would be quite the shock if I gave birth to a child.

Probably rather painful, too.

I'm at peace with not having children, though I have been aware of the biological urge/kick, it's not something you can point at, but it's there and you are aware of it, looming almost.

Yes indeed I forgot some of the Scottish like having wee families lol... I joke because I know you will be ok with the ribbing and mostly I couldn't pass up the opportunity : ;) :
Joking aside I have that many cousins on one side alone, not including 2nd cousins, many of whom I prefer btw. (Careful now, lol, I dont want you to get in trouble in the womens section for making cousin jokes about us Irish lol)
I've had the chance to be a wonderful aunt, hands on and influential, for that opportunity I will always be grateful.
It is that pang that's difficult, its different to the desire for sex, yet feels like a biological desire only more, on a deeper level somehow.
Btw do you call children 'weans'?



jimmy m
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27 Sep 2019, 10:29 am

Amity wrote:
I haven't ruled out fostering (at a point in time when I'm in a position to do this) but again I have to prioritise my self care.


I believe fostering a child is a better approach than outright adoption. It is a "trial and error" type of approach. If after foster a child for a while and working through all the little problems along the way, you can then perhaps make a decision to adopt that particular child.

One of my daughters close friends adopted several children that way.

Our next door neighbor is also trying that approach. They are a young childless married couple. The interesting thing in their case is after they applied for the fostering program, they received a call from the organization and they were told that in a couple hours, three young children all siblings, would be dropped off at their home. It was quite a shock going from a couple to a full fledged family overnight. But they seem to be adopting quite well.


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Ashariel
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27 Sep 2019, 10:46 am

Amity wrote:
I guess it's not having the choice be available because of lack of resources that I need to be more ok with.


I hear that, and it's a more complex issue for those who actually would make good parents. The answer is much simpler for me - I struggle to maintain stability myself, and it would be cruel to bring a child into my situation.



Amity
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27 Sep 2019, 11:45 am

Jimmy re:

Quote:
I believe fostering a child is a better approach than outright adoption.

It is a potential option, if I continue to improve health wise, but quite some years away yet.



Amity
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27 Sep 2019, 12:01 pm

Ashariel wrote:
Amity wrote:
I guess it's not having the choice be available because of lack of resources that I need to be more ok with.


I hear that, and it's a more complex issue for those who actually would make good parents. The answer is much simpler for me - I struggle to maintain stability myself, and it would be cruel to bring a child into my situation.


I mean to say that the resources I'm low in are personal abilities as well as financial predictability.
To be realistic I would need to be reliant on others and that's not something I'm comfortable with. I still rue the day I handed over my independence, hindsight eh, I've gotten it back but it's taken years. It's very valuable to me.



kraftiekortie
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27 Sep 2019, 12:14 pm

If no possibility of a biological child, an ideal situation would be if you "foster" a child, then legally adopt the child. That goes for all genders.



Amity
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27 Sep 2019, 12:54 pm

It might be idealism speaking now, but I think fostering would be the end goal, if I were fortunate enough to be in that position.

Whatever may happen after that, would be a bridge I would cross when I get to it. :)



BDavro
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27 Sep 2019, 5:37 pm

Amity wrote:
BDavro wrote:
Amity wrote:
Is the ticking biological clock a social concept that we internalise, is it a biological need, is it an emotional/psychological want/need?

I decided and made peace with the idea that I would not have children almost 5 years ago now.
What made it difficult was that in my 20s I experienced at times what i can only call a completely hijacking of my rational self by a overwhelming desire to have children. Which I didn't pursue.

This has passed for the most part... at times if I'm holding a baby I feel it creep back into my consciousness, or see a mum and baby interacting the way I would have with my own, the experience doesn't hijack me like it used to though.
Looking at pre teens and teens is the best reality check.
Can anyone relate to this? Or not relate? Understand it and inclined to share?
All responses welcome.


I am the greatest uncle.

I have about 28 cousins, and those have had children well, their kids love me and call me uncle.
The truth is I prefer their company over that of the adult's at family gatherings.

I don't want kids, I'm not sure I could be the father I'd need to be, I'm not sure if I'd ever sleep another night if I had a child, well, being male, it would be quite the shock if I gave birth to a child.

Probably rather painful, too.

I'm at peace with not having children, though I have been aware of the biological urge/kick, it's not something you can point at, but it's there and you are aware of it, looming almost.

Yes indeed I forgot some of the Scottish like having wee families lol... I joke because I know you will be ok with the ribbing and mostly I couldn't pass up the opportunity : ;) :
Joking aside I have that many cousins on one side alone, not including 2nd cousins, many of whom I prefer btw. (Careful now, lol, I dont want you to get in trouble in the womens section for making cousin jokes about us Irish lol)
I've had the chance to be a wonderful aunt, hands on and influential, for that opportunity I will always be grateful.
It is that pang that's difficult, its different to the desire for sex, yet feels like a biological desire only more, on a deeper level somehow.
Btw do you call children 'weans'?


We only have wee families because it's more cost-effective and also, we are wee.

My family come from Ireland, sometimes in thr 1800s but before the great famine. Also Italian.

It bears (RAWR REARS UP WITH CLAWS BEARED) no relationship to the desire for sex, a most different beast.

No, I do not call them 'weans' but sadly my father does, he is from the Calton in Glasgow.



AnneOleson
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27 Sep 2019, 11:02 pm

My Irish mum called children weans.



Fireblossom
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28 Sep 2019, 3:57 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
If no possibility of a biological child, an ideal situation would be if you "foster" a child, then legally adopt the child. That goes for all genders.


This depends a lot on where you're from, I think. I don't know how it works in America, but here it's apparently pretty much impossible to adobt a foster child if their biological parent is still alive. Even after the child is taken in to custody permanently and it's clear that the biological parents can't take care of them, they still have a meeting right and are the child's parents in the eyes of the law. One of my cousins has two foster kids along with her own ones, and when the girl wanted earrings, she couldn't get them for her without the biological mother's permission. This system of having to be in contact with the biological parents all the time is one thing that makes finding foster families so hard here; most see it as too much trouble, especially since these biological parents are often addicts of some sort.



SharonB
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28 Sep 2019, 6:41 am

Fireblossom wrote:
I don't know how it works in America, but here it's apparently pretty much impossible to adobt a foster child if their biological parent is still alive.

The culture is different in my part of the US (for better or worse, I imagine). In my experience, the goal is to reunite the foster child with their family, but it that does not occur then parental rights are terminated (and sibling groups are kept together as much as possible). Some caseworkers in some cases have a sense if a child is likely or not to return to its family so can make placements accordingly. Our desire was to foster a child that would return to its home, but that did not occur and we were asked if we wanted to adopt our little guy, and might have but were not in a place to adopt his sibling group and a family was found that did. My closest two friends who adopted have "open adoptions" but the bio parents are not involved at this time (understandable since they themselves made the choice to place their children in adoption); my friends have it in mind that their children will connect with their bio family (including bio siblings) in the future. My mom was a foster child until she emancipated. She wasn't particularly keen on being adopted, but her sisters really wanted to be.



Amity
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29 Sep 2019, 1:26 am

BDavro wrote:
We only have wee families because it's more cost-effective and also, we are wee.

My family come from Ireland, sometimes in thr 1800s but before the great famine. Also Italian.

It bears (RAWR REARS UP WITH CLAWS BEARED) no relationship to the desire for sex, a most different beast.

No, I do not call them 'weans' but sadly my father does, he is from the Calton in Glasgow.

Ireland and Scotland go way back, the history of the two is intertwined in so many ways, like the Dál Riata in the west.
People it seems have always been our best export.
AnneOleson wrote:
My Irish mum called children weans.

I love that she kept the spoken customs, on a side note I've often heard the word 'wee' being used instead of 'small'.
For example, "Q. which one would you prefer? A. The wee'er one."



AnneOleson
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29 Sep 2019, 9:52 pm

Amity wrote:
BDavro wrote:
We only have wee families because it's more cost-effective and also, we are wee.

My family come from Ireland, sometimes in thr 1800s but before the great famine. Also Italian.

It bears (RAWR REARS UP WITH CLAWS BEARED) no relationship to the desire for sex, a most different beast.

No, I do not call them 'weans' but sadly my father does, he is from the Calton in Glasgow.

Ireland and Scotland go way back, the history of the two is intertwined in so many ways, like the Dál Riata in the west.
People it seems have always been our best export.
AnneOleson wrote:
My Irish mum called children weans.

I love that she kept the spoken customs, on a side note I've often heard the word 'wee' being used instead of 'small'.
For example, "Q. which one would you prefer? A. The wee'er one."


Yes! We use “wee” all of the time. I’m glad that my son continues to as well.



lostonearth35
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02 Oct 2019, 9:52 am

I'm so glad I never had kids. And when people who have kids hear how I'd to smack them simply because they pissed me off, they're glad I didn't have kids either.

This whole biological clock thing is total bull. Men apparently don't have a biological clock. Another thing that makes being a male so easy. :(



Amity
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02 Oct 2019, 10:35 am

lostonearth35 wrote:
I'm so glad I never had kids. And when people who have kids hear how I'd to smack them simply because they pissed me off, they're glad I didn't have kids either.

This whole biological clock thing is total bull. Men apparently don't have a biological clock. Another thing that makes being a male so easy. :(

Yeah that seems like a good decision, if your response to irritation is violence. Also this thread is not about men vs women and who wins the race to the bottom, please dont try to derail it with those sentiments.



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14 Oct 2019, 1:31 am

I had a ridiculously crazy intense drive of wanting to have children from the time I was 14 years old. I'm embarrassed to admit that when I was in high school I didn't care if I got pregnant and wasn't always "safe" with my sexual partners. Fortunately, I didn't end up having children then. Wanting to have a baby was all I ever thought about for years and years. Interestingly I have always had an extremely high sex drive and I have always wondered if that had anything to do with it.


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