Single parent on the spectrum with kids

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Hi all,

It took me a long time to post this question. I was not sure if it's a nice question or what.

I was diagnosed in my thirties wild mild autism and mild bipolar 2. I'm happy it's mild, but that doesn't mean that life is easy. Anyway for many people life is not easy, so I'm not complaining. I just wanted to ask some advice. I'm wondering if there are parents on this forum with autism who have kids. Most of the time it's always vica verca, parents with kids who have autism.

The problem is, I find it difficult to find time to have a rest and relax and de-stress. I'm divorced and have 2 kids, daughter 22 and son 19. The contact between me and my kids is rather 'shallow'. They are both still studying. My daughter has a boyfriend who stays over at night once or twice a week. I find it annoying sometimes. Sometimes I don't want visitors. WHen I tried to talk about it, I got a rather short and curtly answer "why hes not welcome or what?" Or "We are not bothering you". Ok, so things go on.... Most problems are with my son. He has no structure at all, he would call me suddenly and unexpected to be the taxi driver, eats at times that fits him, that can be in the middle of the night that he will turn on the fryer and bake fries, leaving the dishes in the sink. He has no schedule to sleep, he simply has no schedule for anything. My kids don't help with household. Long story short, they just have their teenage lifes like it's typical in most of the families today, a pretty much relaxed life without much responsabilities.

It's hard for me to explain. The paragraph I just typed is not really what I wanted to say, it's just difficult to find the exact words to explain. I mean, I can barely go home and sit down in the couch and relax after a stressfull working day. My son is just 19, this can still go on for years before he will live independent. Forgotten to say, their mother is out of the picture. Don't understand me wrong. I don't want to get rid of my kids. It's not like that. ANd if something would happen to them, I would not survive a loss or something like that. It's not that I'm tired of them, it's just that the whole situation, having autism and raising kids alone is so demanding from me. Especially the adolescent age. Many days, I feel exhausted. And the side effect of being exhausted and having no structure is that my bipolar is bugging me. I start to feel down, like a mild depressed feeling and moodswings. Many days I don't feel like meeting people or even talk to somebody.

I don't know if there are parents here on this forum who are in a similar situation? And how they cope with the home situation?

Many thanks in advance !
Best regards...

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago, still married, kids are 3 and 5.

While I'll have a bit of a knowledge gap on teenage issues I think I have something to add about being a dad on the spectrum.

Let's just open up something else, though - are they on the spectrum?

A recent meta-study reported in Spectrum News concluded that when autism is present, 80% of the time genetics are involved. Anecdotally, I think likelihood of passing on diagnosible traits seems to be in the region of 50% per child.

The behaviors you report do sound like typical young-adult stuff. My mess tolerance was legendary, learning why I should put more effort into it took a long time.

I think one factor at play is that here as in every other case, it's fair for you to ask that your way of being is understood and accepted. Denying there's an issue when you feel that there is, indicates to me that you and they have more work to do in terms of mutual understanding and a foundation of common respect.

Another thing I'll add is that while it's true you have the traits and I know it will sometimes feel like a real strain, itt also true that you still get to exercise choice -

You can prioritize self care to be ready for the challenges of the day. I'm sure you have done so to get this far, but that's an ongoing journey. Have you read Peak Performance by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness? If not I heartily recommend it. Though you can't tell from the title, it's highly relevant for us.

You can build your cognitive abilities, consuming from the best and most effective ideas in the area of relationships and guidance with young adults. There's a Smart but Scattered Teens book that could be well worth a look depending on the circumstances.

You can give yourself permission to carve out quiet zones in life, given the ages they are now.

HTH

Hi Tim,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
My son was diagnosed, but he rejects the diagnoses, stating he has lots of friends and no problems with social interaction. I don't know...

2 people on the spectrum should get along well, from what I think, but this seems not always the case, esp. opposites.

Thanks !

Hi Steve - I can totally empathise. I have pretty much raised my three on my own. All are doing great now. My youngest turns 21 this year, and as with your son, though diagnosed earlier, he denies his diagnosis. He’s also doing well socially. It’s been hard going, but things could be so much worse, and when I look back at the hardest moments, I’m shocked at how far we’ve come and at how much has changed. Hope you’re managing ok. You’re probably doing a better job than you realise. Everything in life is temporary ... family is everything(as you’re saying), and you and they will get through these times. Boundaries and respect are important, but you need time for yourself too.

When I was researching my own suspicions and preparing for my own assessment as an adult, one things which came into my thoughts was that if my profile had been identified as a child (Had I been born 1985 rather than 1963 the shrink I saw age six would have had the Aspergers diagnosis available), I felt a concern I might have used is as something to live down to rather than the missing manual pages it gave me when assessed as an adult.

In a way I did have some sort of useful para-diagnosis, in that my mother had a good feel for the strong points in my profile and kept reminding me to live up to those points and potential, though we had the regular vexed questions over the blind spots, one or two spectacular social mistakes, organising abilities and dreadful handwriting and difficulty getting motivated onto something which didn't interest me.

I think my ideal situation would have been the knowledge with the professional to give a diagnosis at six of being on the spectrum and the spread of my traits, blind spots and strong points, but to have had that ed back to me not as a lable which would get me teasing and grif, and I would have kicked back against it, but instead told stuff to concentrate on because it was a strong point, re-assured that there were things which were going to be a struggle or which would not come naturally, and it was always smart to ask for help when I neede it, and steered in the way I went in social stuff anyway, which was cultivating quality solitude, quality socialising based on shared interests, how to do enough formal and scripted stuff to manage the difficult social stuff to obtain what was needed and then withdraw gracefully. In particulalr, not telling me what I should be doing, but in conversation, perhaps conversations I could overhear rather as well be part of, let me find the examples of the good practice that with my Aspie mind I could not helpbut file away in my memory

And the more I talk with mum in her old age and she tells me talea from her pre-school years, schooldays, student life and so forth, I have a really strong hunch that, like me, my mother, grandmother and father were all feral Autistics who found ways to wing it successfully.

And I want to wish you and your son in particual all best wishes, and also re-assurance, that he is not defective and not alone. There is a tribe out there like him, who are finding the ways to ride the profile's strong points, and also reclaim the diagnosis as something for pride

Isn't that ironic? Diagnosis is supposed to make things better, not worse, right? So, what is screwed up here?

Our society should come to realize that, autism is normal. It has always been an integral part of what's normal, for thousands of years. What's NOT normal is public education. Public education has a history of less than 200 years. Less than 100 years in most parts of the world. Public education is all about "economy of scale," or teaching all the children the same way. THAT, is the problem.

So, if an autistic child doesn't learn the same way other children learn, we start to think that the autistic child must be defective. What a load of BS! Our society creates problems where there was none. Instead of making things better, we create problems, and ruin the lives of millions of children. Our society is screwed up.

The saddest part is that most autistic people end up developing "Stockholm Syndrome," and start to believe that they themselves are indeed defective, and that the words of the neurotypical folks are right. So, they look and look into their anxiety/depression issues, lack of social/verbal skills, intellectual limitations, and become eager to acknowledge that they are indeed defective. They lose their self-esteem, and become slaves of their own making. THAT, is what we achieve with a diagnosis. Pushing to people to learn social skills, pushing them to speech therapy, so that autistic children eventually develop escapism and self-hate, which completely stop them from acquiring the technical skills that they were supposed to be good at. Instead of developing these children's visual thinking skills, we force them instead into the neurotypical paradigm of verbal thinking, and then we complain that they don't do as good as neurotypical children. Huh?! Who is the one that is really screwed up here? Our society suffers from intellectual disability and behavioral problem. Instead of looking at the problems of autistic children, our society should really take a good look in the mirror.

I spoon fed my daughter until last year (she was 10 years old). See, other parents would worry to death. Come on. This is exactly the point our society doesn't get. If a child isn't potty trained, or isn't talking, or isn't socializing, we worry to death, and put all our energy into "solving" those "problems." And in the process, we let the child's brain go idle. Have we ever paused to think that, hey, if we develop the brain of the child first, maybe everything else would just develop on its own? I wouldn't spend one second to teach my daughter to feed herself. Why? Because there is nothing to worry there. I instead spend my time to develop her brain. She just finished reading "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. That, is what matters to me. My daughter gave a speech on LGBTQ rights and equality two weeks ago in her class. That is what matters to me. She is so much more intellectual than her 11-year-old neurotypical peers. She composes her own music. I mean, where in the big scheme of things, does spoon-feeding a child (or not) falls? You think I spoon feed her until she was 10 years old and she won't be able to feed herself later in life? Give me a break.

If you understand that, you will understand that all the social skill training, behavioral training, speech therapy, etc. are all BS. Those things are not what autistic children need. Those things need zero training. Autistic children are not defective. What autistic children need is brain development, intellectual development. You develop their brains, all other issues will fall into place by themselves.

Sorry, if you are an autistic adult, and suffer from anxiety/depression, lack of social skills, verbal skills, intellectual limitations, those problems don't come from autistm. Those problems come from underdevelopment: you were not developed the right way. Your damage comes from the way you were developed. So, please stop your "Stockholm Syndrome." Have some self-esteem.

I find parenting hard.
It's easier if I don't compare myself or my kids to others. Just accept that we're all developing in our own ways and at our own pace.