I think I hate my potentially aspie ex (sorry if it's long)

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THE RELATIONSHIP: Alright, so I'll try to sum things up as easily as possible... 7 years ago at one point in my life I thought I might be on the spectrum, however, later I learned I was just probably a little awkward, an idea which was pretty much confirmed when I met my ex. I'll name her K for obvious reasons.

See, soon after starting a new job almost 2 years ago I instantly thought K was cute, and while at first I thought she was too posh (due to her alma mater), she actually came from a pretty humble family, this coupled with us getting along really well and being quite nerdy made develop a serious crush on her.

Though I consider myself good enough with women flirting I was and hitting on her was always different as she looked way out of her element near me, but after 5 months of hard crushing we started dating.

Now throughout the entire relationship I noticed several traits I found to be common when I read a lot about autism when I was younger, some of them being: social awkwardness; people taking advantage of you; a confessed "lack of understanding of her own feelings/emotions"; tight routine bases life; stereotypical aspie-like memory; lack of friends; shyness; these just to name a few, but I could go on.

Please be noted I was very much in love with this girl during our 7 month relationship (ended December 2018), but since I'd just hit 30 I now look at girl differently so I was concerned about certain aspects of her personality being compatible with for the long term, namely: disliked her family (she's very close to them); and, despite being almost stereotypically on the spectrum she was always against any form of therapy which I felt would harm our relationship.

I pretty much compromised or adapted to her personality in almost every way, from almost every part of her routine to her sexual inexperience, the lack of emotional feedback, I truly put in the work. At one point I even told her she "would be very confused when we had our first fight, because I was her 1st love and she wouldn't know how to handle it", in a totally not condescending manner.

In December last year we had our first fight due to some girl we worked with which I never really paid attention to "being to close to me for 30 mins and drinking from my beer" on my birthday, despite K being right by my side the entire time. I thought this was a mix of her own insecurity + not being able to deal with a "complex" yet "normal" social setting.

After this fight a couple weeks went by we took a 1 week vacation together, but after returning home and she being on vacation (we still worked together), we did not see each other much for 1 week, and I went out with co-workers twice (with one of her close friend being around to check I wasn't up to anything weird with the other girl). Weekend after that, we met up, she didn't even kiss me hello ranted on me for not being available for her and the following day she texted me to bring her stuff broke up with me.

She cited feeling insecure about our relationship and the fact that she had cried more than she preferred over me as the main reasons, as well as not wanting to feel even more hurt in the future. In a way I knew I could convince her otherwise, but I felt really hurt that someone I loved so much would end a relationship I had worked so hard on, so I didn't and instead just opted to let her know I felt her decision was hasty, wrong and her reasons simply not enough to end what we had.

I took off and we barely spoke after that, aside, from one visit to my old office where I noticed she got the "new haircut and tattoo" post-breakup look on her.

AFTERMATH: Despite us working together, by the time K and I broke up, we knew our firm would split and we'd each go our ways. while this was a blessing breakup wise, destiny has a weird way of screwing with you. My firm moved to a new building but 5 month later her new firm moved in one floor below my office.

I have a new GF, but run into K every now and then and despite saying hi the first time she pretty much ignores me, so I do the same. I kinda hate K, I loved her to the best of my abilities and she just dumped me for what I still consider her own psychological shortcomings which she''ll probably never address.

It feels weird to despise someone over lack of emotional awareness, when it's probably not her fault. While I consider myself to be over her, I find these sort of exercises therapeutic (plus saw her this week). I admit I'm incredibly intrigued about how someone on the spectrum would process breaking up her first relationship (at 27-28), so I'm posting mainly out of curiosity.

It's odd that you went out drinking with the other girl.

You knew that your girlfriend wouldn't be comfortable but you went for the drink anyway.

Hard to imagine you in a "totally not condescending manner".

You don't know she's an aspie at all, maybe it's you that doesn't have an emotional clue?
Letting another girl drink from your beer is a very intimate thing, any NT girl would dump you for that if she had self-respect.

(Sorry I posted it twice and don't know how to delete a post)

Last edited by Lely on 26 Sep 2019, 8:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

You hate her because your ego feels you didn't deserve to be dumped by her.

I don't know her side of the story. Even if it is true that she was reacting irrationally and immaturely then it might have been the right thing of her to leave the relationship when she feels she can't deal with it psychologically yet and it is hurting her as a result?

A woman (NT) in my ex boyfriend's friend group would slap other women in the face if they stood to close to her boyfriend in a disco or took a picture near him (not of him). Imagine what she had done had a woman sipped from his beer!


That was quite awkward of you to say such a thing. Do you think she never had a fight in her life with a close friend or family member? Even if not, what was the point of you in telling her that assumption?



You are over her but need therapeutic exercises. Aha.


You seem to be the one who can't handle things easily, hating on her almost a year later and even going to an online forum.

What makes you think all AS people handle break ups similarly to each other? All NTs handle break ups differently from one another too. Actually, the way you handle it seems unusual. Why don't you focus on your current relationship? So what if your ex doesn't feel interested in speaking to you. Get over it.

I also had my first relationship late, at age 24 and like hers it also lasted only short. I was relieved when it was over. I already knew him for 8 years before that but certainly I miss nothing about that relationship, and I don't miss him either.
I'm glad though that he was less hateful and less complaining than you are. One year later he wasn't so arrogant to still be curious about my feelings for him, or thinking he must have been oh-so-special, or opening threads about me on online forums. You too should forget about her and focus on your current relationship.

If she dumped you she prefers to be without you, and now one year later I suppose she has already processed it. Just because you were her first doesn't mean she wouldn't get over you.

Just move on, Sir. Trust me. Move on.

Who cares if she's Aspie----that doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

You have another girlfriend now.

Women do this psychological crap all the time. So do guys.

Move on. It'll be best for the both of you.

O.K. so let's start with the basic question. Is it conceivable that an Aspie might find it even harder than an NT to process and deal with the situation you're describing? Well, speaking as an Aspie who lost his virginity embarrassingly late, who doesn't understand group social situations, and who hasn't dealt well with past break-ups, yes maybe this lady's A.S.D. (if she has one) could be a complicating factor.

Must agree with Lely, though: there is not a good healthy procedural template followed by all NTs in a break-up situation, and nothing you've said necessarily indicates A.S.D. Unhappiness and social isolation and awkwardness are not restricted to just the one disorder! And they can manifest themselves in weird ways, including behaviour.

Also have to say, if this were my sister you were kvetching about at such length, I would find it harder to be objective. It's possible you are on the spectrum, maybe, which would explain your devastating honesty in depicting the situation as you're experiencing it.

If you ever loved this lady, and all the more so if you think she's an Aspie, then for the sake of the one you once loved, and also for the sake of your conscience, you must accept she's dealing with things the best she can. Even if her best is not, in your opinion, awfully good.

On a purely technical note, A.S.D. doesn't come under your heading of "psychological shortcomings". Those would be more in the realms of personality disorder, for instance, which is something you acquire and, sometimes, something that can be treated by psychotherapy. A.S.D. isn't a psychological condition, it's neurological, it's factory-fitted; it's something you're either born with or not, and while therapy may help you to live with it, nothing is ever going to fix it. Bearing that in mind, your implicit assumption that "addressing her psychological shortcomings" would be desirable and useful appears somewhat simplistic.

Hopefully the tension you describe will eventually resolve itself, but goodwill on at least one side of the equation will probably help.

It seems to me that the OP may only be looking for: (1) Reasons to hate his ex-girlfriend, (2) Justification for breaking up with her and hooking up with someone else, and (3) Approval from us for his behavior.

I reserve the term "hatred" for someone, say, who commits heinous crimes upon little children.

Or who advocates something like genocide.

I might feel a strong dislike for a woman who dumps me-----and I have felt this "strong dislike." But then I really think about it----the whys and hows---and I almost always realize that I must "move on," and just live my life.

A woman doesn't determine the goods and bads of my life.

Fnord's assessment is the likeliest one, but then again, is not the very frankness of the original post intriguing? I mean, someone joins an Aspie forum just to bemoan his Aspie ex?!?

Anyway the question is an important one, even if the motivation behind it may not be.

"How do I deal with dumping an Aspie and living through the consequences?"

Answer: Um, well, hopefully with all the sensitivity and consideration you'd show to ANYONE you'd dumped! And if you have reason to believe that person may have some kind of mental disorder, then you owe that person maybe a little extra margin?

I return to Lely's point: hardly anybody deals well with being dumped, and in that respect, neurodivergent people are pretty normal!

I've been dumped....and I was thrown out of one's lady's apartment whom I was living with, only because she got "sick" of me.

And I, the "dumpee," just had to deal with it.

But why hate the person whom YOU dumped? I don't see any sense in that, really.

The person you've dumped can behave in ways which inspire guilt and sympathy and also, increasingly, annoyance. Maybe I'm a uniquely bad person, but I dumped someone in 1994 and that's what happened. My annoyance became exponential. To a point I cannot now rationally defend.

If NTs can find Aspie behaviour annoying and weird at the best of times, then maybe an NT might find the behaviour of a dumped Aspie even more annoying and weird? That's sort of my answer to the originally stated question. But again, how many NT people deal rationally with being dumped anyway?

She dumped him

Every person on the spectrum is different. You can't compare yourself to her and on that basis decide who is on the spectrum and who isn't. Maybe she had acquired a personality disorder in addition, like Raphael F said.

I also feel while you 'despise her over lack of emotional awareness', it is possible that you are also emotionally not as aware as you like to believe.
- it is actually quite irrational to come to an autism forum to expect sympathy for hating your ex for being on the spectrum.
- if she already reacted badly when you had the other girl drink from your beer, then why would you be surprised if going out twice with that girl in a week while not seeing your girlfriend would upset your gf even more...? Even if it was crazy jealousy of her you should have seen it coming if you were emotionally skilled.
- if you yourself have even the slightest emotional understanding it should be clear to you that every relationship ends differently and every human deals with it differently and nobody on this forum can give you an answer as to how your ex girlfriend processed her feelings about the break up.
- why do you make emotionally insensitive remarks such as "I am your first love and you won't be able to handle it when we have our first fight"?
- who is the one who really can't handle it now emotionally?

She dumped him. So what? I still think he's trying to justify his flirtatious behavior while they were together. This would also explain his lame attempt at a distorted form of "Virtue Signalling" -- he claims he's not autistic, while claiming he suspects she is.

Trust me....just move on, OP.