Will going too the gym help?
Jamesy
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Joined: 24 Oct 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,020
Location: Near London United Kingdom
For one woman, having blue eyes, being blond, and having a muscular body makes him desirable.
For another, having brown eyes, dark hair, and having a thin body makes him desirable.
For another, having green eyes, red hair, and being a little chubby makes him desirable.
To reiterate: it depends on the woman.
There are women out there who wouldn't mind dating a 5 foot 7 guy who weighs 140 pounds.
I have hazel eyes (green/brown) and brown hair. My hair can sometimes go blonde if I spend a lot of time in the sun
Additionally, you're HAPPIER...that's the most important thing. And you're stronger physically.
I suppose when I go out to bars being age 30 puts me a disadvantage since a lot of women who go to clubs are 18 or early 20s.
Some of us just have to accept that we aren't good at it and we lack the necessary equipment. Picking up women in bars is not the only way of getting one (which is just as well, or I'd never have had a girlfriend in my life). A woman may find you visually attractive but if you come across as socially awkward then, in the context of a bar, she may decide to cross you off her list. In a quieter context she might not, and that's when the fact you feel good in yourself can come across as attractive (whereas the fact you do not feel good invariably comes across as unattractive).
You can improve your chances, and it sounds as if you are doing so, but there is no magic bullet, unfortunately.
I don't know about you, but it's clear from the psychometric and neuropsychological data which came out of my A.S.D. diagnostic testing that even at my happiest and cheeriest and most charismatic, and even if I'd been going to the gym for ten years, I still couldn't ever flirt to save my life, and I still wouldn't be the kind of man who could pick up women in bars or clubs or any kind of environment like that.
However, despite my innate inability to flirt, my success rate did increase when I'd had some therapy and begun to feel better in myself. I had one girlfriend who was several years older than my mother. I had one or two who were just about young enough to be my daughter. Age is only a number!
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You can't be proud of being Neurodivergent, because it isn't something you've done: you can only be proud of not being ashamed. (paraphrasing Quentin Crisp)
Last edited by Raphael F on 14 Oct 2019, 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Jamesy
Veteran
Joined: 24 Oct 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,020
Location: Near London United Kingdom
Additionally, you're HAPPIER...that's the most important thing. And you're stronger physically.
I suppose when I go out to bars being age 30 puts me a disadvantage since a lot of women who go to clubs are 18 or early 20s.
Some of us just have to accept that we aren't good at it and we lack the necessary equipment. Picking up women in bars is not the only way of getting one (which is just as well, or I'd never have had a girlfriend in my life). A woman may find you visually attractive but if you come across as socially awkward the, in the context of a bar, she may decide to cross you off her list. In a quieter context she might not, and that's when the fact you feel good in yourself can come across as attractive (whereas the fact you do not feel good invariably comes across as unattractive).
You can improve your chances, and it sounds as if you are doing so, but there is no magic bullet, unfortunately.
I don't know about you, but it's clear from the psychometric and neuropsychological data which came out of my A.S.D. diagnostic testing that even at my happiest and cheeriest and most charismatic, and even if I'd been going to the gym for ten years, I still couldn't ever flirt to save my life, and I still wouldn't be the kind of man who could pick up women in bars or clubs or any kind of environment like that.
However, despite my innate inability to flirt, my success rate did increase when I'd had some therapy and begun to feel better in myself. I had one girlfriend who was several years older than my mother. I had one or two who were just about young enough to be my daughter. Age is only a number!
cheers for advice
Some of us just have to accept that we aren't good at it and we lack the necessary equipment.
There is more to flirting than NT guys picking up women in bars for a one-night-stand. NDs can flirt too, and it comes naturally to us if we just relax and "target" compatible women.
Agree some truth in this. Obviously every ND has a different skill set. Apparently I can sometimes be charismatic and magnetic, but if that is true, I sure as hell don't know how or when I'm actually doing it! So while some women have occasionally told me I was flirting very effectively, I still count it as something I don't know how to do, because it isn't something I can do actively or deliberately or consciously.
Maybe the chemistry between two people just has to be somehow "right"? And maybe if a man feels good about himself, for whatever reason (e.g. because he's been going to the gym...) the chances of that chemistry occurring are significantly enhanced?
One-night stands for me are yuck, but of course not every connection that starts in the context of a bar necessarily finishes by dawn the next day.
However, a bar is not necessarily the right environment for some of us to even be, let alone to hope to meet someone!
_________________
You can't be proud of being Neurodivergent, because it isn't something you've done: you can only be proud of not being ashamed. (paraphrasing Quentin Crisp)
That's a fact, and has been a fact since the Beginning of Time.
But a bar/club kind of place is not your ideal place--or is it mine.
That’s cause older men tend to be more well off and better providers. That’s why young women were often married off to men their parents age, often at 12-14.
So for men who are old and nit well off, were just creepy.
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There is no place for me in the world. I'm going into the wilderness, probably to die
However, at least I know that on the very rare occasions when a younger lady was interested in me, it must have been me she was interested in, because it can't have been my body or my bank balance.
_________________
You can't be proud of being Neurodivergent, because it isn't something you've done: you can only be proud of not being ashamed. (paraphrasing Quentin Crisp)
Exactly. Ideally, if she is much younger, she should not know anything about your social position or bank balance until she has put some effort into it, and then you would know for sure that she doesn't show interest in you for the wrong reasons.
If you do it deliberately or consciously it's not natural. If it's not natural it's probably some learned NT-variant that you do pretty badly.
Sure. Having compatible neurotypes is more or less required for chemistry, but not sufficient.
Ha ha, well, as it happens, in my case the young ladies came from within my own small social circle, so they knew pretty much everything there was to know about me anyway! I couldn't possibly hook up with someone I didn't already know pretty well; I think terms such as "demisexual" and "demiromantic" may apply to me.
Meanwhile, let us not tumble into the stereotype of supposing a younger lady is necessarily what men want (or indeed need...)! I've had relationships with two women significantly older than myself, and those relationships had a lot going for them too.
Tentatively, may I suggest NTs are flirting deliberately (by which I mean, knowingly and intentionally) yet still also perhaps in some way subliminally or instinctively, whereas I with my Asperger's was simply born without the social aptitude with which they were born? I mean, I gather NTs are born not only with some innate socializing impulse and instinct, but also with an in-built aptitude for observing and internalizing (is that the word?) the behaviours and social tactics they witness. I seem to have gathered it is this kind of facility which those of us with A.S.D. are typically born without. So that flirting, for us, involves a lot more conscious, deliberate observation and effort.
Plus in my own case, one of the features of my Asperger's is slow processing speed. What with that and sensory overload in public spaces, I simply cannot "process" fast enough to act and react as cleverly as someone who is good at flirting will. Not that I'm complaining. I've pretty much learned to accept there are some situations I can't cope with and some things I can't do. This feels a lot better than beating myself up for not being able to cope with those contexts and not being able to do those things!
As to whether 31 is old, I seem to recall it felt pretty ancient and mature to me when I was 31. Fifteen years down the line, I'd love to be as young as 31! Reminds me of Clemenceau's comment, in very late age, when some pretty girls walked past: "Oh, to be 70 again!"
Anyway it's good if Jamesy can feel some benefit from going to the gym, even if it isn't a magic bullet: clearly there is a lot more to getting a girlfriend than meets the eye!
_________________
You can't be proud of being Neurodivergent, because it isn't something you've done: you can only be proud of not being ashamed. (paraphrasing Quentin Crisp)
Certainly. There is a lot more than age to it. The problem for me is that most people my age are so boring, but there certainly are some exceptions too.
Maybe I worded it incorrectly. I'm also pretty much aware that I have flirted with somebody, and even what I did, so I'm aware of it afterwards. It's just that when I do the actual flirting it's not conscious or deliberate, rather it's like an innate program, but I still know what I did in retrospect. It's a bit like breathing. It happens automatically, but you are still aware that you are breathing.
Nah, they are only born with their way of flirting and we are born without that way.
Innate processes are not dependent on manually analyzing things and thus don't contribute to sensory overload. However, if you got a lot of advice about flirting from NTs, and you try to do it yourself based on their descriptions, then this takes a lot of work and could end in sensory overload.
So that was kind of what I was getting at, about sensory overload and how, in conjunction with slow processing speed, it put flirting utterly above and outwith the scope of my own A.S.D. abilities (whatever those may be...).
As to the rest, we could pursue our semantic and neuropsychological debate, and I believe we could do so very amicably and enjoyably, but I really need to have a bath and put some clothes on now that I've actually been out of bed for nearly 7 hours, and anyway the world will probably continue to turn if we simply agree to disagree on one or two points of detail!
_________________
You can't be proud of being Neurodivergent, because it isn't something you've done: you can only be proud of not being ashamed. (paraphrasing Quentin Crisp)