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kraftiekortie
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31 Oct 2019, 2:13 pm

I'm really sorry you feel bullied at work, and you feel upset at us, too.

There are some people who just want to get a "rise" out of you. I would ignore them.



DW_a_mom
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31 Oct 2019, 2:47 pm

Caz72 wrote:
Im still not going to post in parents discussion from now on....I do not like being called horrible it hurt my feelings and I have enough of that from bullies at work


I'm actually not convinced that "horrible" was directed at you. And, yes, it is against the rules to make a personal attack like that. You can and should report posts that are personal attacks to the moderator team.

Feel free to send me a private message with questions if you don't feel comfortable posting on the board. All parents deserve to be able to find the help and support they need to do the best job they are capable of. None of us are perfect.


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DW_a_mom
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31 Oct 2019, 2:58 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
My husband and I used to put ourselves in timeout just to show the kids that adults DO face consequences, too. Reality is that parents face many, many consequences when they act poorly, but most aren't visible to children. We felt it was necessary for the children to SEE it.
The consequences parents voluntarily self-inflict are a cakewalk compared to the consequences forcefully inflicted on kids. Not to mention, the parents can down a shot of whiskey prior to their own consequences, to make them go by easier. Right? Right?

But I digress. Funny story. In 6th grade social studies, when we were studying the Magna Carta, there was a homework assignment: "draw up the Magna Carta for your own family". I found the assignment too traumatizing to actually go through with. So I used an underhanded tactic: I pretended not to understand the idiom "draw up", and actually drew a Magna Carta. I drew a vertical rectangle with a title saying "[Last Name] Magna Carta", squiggly lines standing in for text, and a seal of approval at the bottom. I even lightly shaded it with tan pencil, for that sepia look.

The teacher wrote C- and "see me" on the assignment. When I went up to her, I "explained" that I didn't understand what "draw up" meant. She offered me a chance to redo the assignment for a higher grade, but I declined. She said OK, but told me to use a dictionary next time I don't understand textbook instructions. I figured I could "drown out" that C- with A's and B's elsewhere. But actually writing my family's Magna Carta would be too traumatizing. Either that, or I'd get called into the school psychologist's office for what I might write there, who'd tell my parents and get me in trouble at home.


I think a decade of going around in circles on your issues with parents and power is enough for me. While all parents retain authority by virtue of being adults and hopefully knowing a lot more about life than their kids, a good parent will never leave their kids feeling so out-powered that they spend their entire adult life obsessing over it. I am sorry you went through what you went through, but NO ONE HERE is your parent, and NO ONE HERE is LIKE your parents. My kids have NOT grown up feeling like we had power and choices they did not, and they continue to CHOOSE to look to us for guidance and safety. A good parent wants their child to feel safe, secure and loved in their home environment. I learned early on that having a few rules was actually necessary to that; not because other parents say so, but because my children's behavior and happiness proved it to me. I don't like rules and wasn't inclined to make them, but it became obvious that running a household that way was HINDERING my kids, instead of making them happy. All parents strive to find the right balance; it isn't easy. What you are doing here with all this debating isn't helping anyone. You aren't getting the resolution you need to make peace with your childhood (if you were, we wouldn't still be having this discussion a decade later), you aren't helping Caz72, and if you aren't helping Caz72, you most certainly are not helping your son.

Parents can NOT just go have a drink to make themselves feel better. You can't make smart and empathetic choices while drunk. Sure, I liked my time outs, but my kids learned to like theirs, too. The cool thing about using time outs as a discipline tool is that is less about punishment than it is about an opportunity to get your head on right. That works for both kids and adults.


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Aspie1
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31 Oct 2019, 3:12 pm

I'm sorry the OP feels put off by the responses, but she didn't make it easy to feel sympathetic for her, either. I, for once, never called her "horrible" or any other names. I just pointed out how lucky she is not to be as powerless as her son. Also, it's impossible to help both the OP and her son concurrently; their goals are different, if not contradictory. Otherwise, it's like rooting for both Washington Nationals and the Houston Astros.

DW_a_mom wrote:
Parents can NOT just go have a drink to make themselves feel better. You can't make smart and empathetic choices while drunk. Sure, I liked my time outs, but my kids learned to like theirs, too. The cool thing about using time outs as a discipline tool is that is less about punishment than it is about an opportunity to get your head on right. That works for both kids and adults.
Parents can have a drink after the kids to go bed, and quickly fall asleep to the sound of alcohol sloshing in their head, while kids miserably toss and turn for hours. The only thing I used my timeouts for was perfecting revenge plans, which included... that thing you asked me not to flippantly talk about.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 31 Oct 2019, 3:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Caz72
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31 Oct 2019, 3:12 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
Im still not going to post in parents discussion from now on....I do not like being called horrible it hurt my feelings and I have enough of that from bullies at work


I'm actually not convinced that "horrible" was directed at you. And, yes, it is against the rules to make a personal attack like that. You can and should report posts that are personal attacks to the moderator team.

Feel free to send me a private message with questions if you don't feel comfortable posting on the board. All parents deserve to be able to find the help and support they need to do the best job they are capable of. None of us are perfect.


I dont know how to report to mods

and thank you I will PM you in future if I need some advice or support
I dont really want to post publicly about my personal life which is what IV had to do here on this discussion like explain myself to get through to some people so I prefere pm

not everyone in this is upset me its just one or two posters but I thought this thread had died until someone had to go and bump it and stir it up again


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Caz72
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31 Oct 2019, 3:30 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
I'm sorry the OP feels put off by the responses, but she didn't make it easy to feel sympathetic for her, either. I, for once, never called her "horrible" or any other names. I just pointed out how lucky she is not to be as powerless as her son. Which is true.

ut.


Your not the one who called me horrible it was
thewrll


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DW_a_mom
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31 Oct 2019, 5:27 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
I'm sorry the OP feels put off by the responses, but she didn't make it easy to feel sympathetic for her, either. I, for once, never called her "horrible" or any other names. I just pointed out how lucky she is not to be as powerless as her son. Also, it's impossible to help both the OP and her son concurrently; their goals are different, if not contradictory. Otherwise, it's like rooting for both Washington Nationals and the Houston Astros.


That is the thing, if a parent is doing it right, their goals will NOT be that different from the child's.

Mutual goals:
- Having a happy child (happy children make a home warm and fun for the parents).
- Having a healthy child (kids don't like feeling unhealthy, although there is an inherent conflict between things that taste good and things that will help us feel good - - this is where patient communication from a parent can help a child)
- Having a child that can function effectively outside the home (for kids who like leaving the house, anyway; when they do leave they don't want conflicts with strangers or the environment anymore than the parents do)
- Having a child grow up self-sufficient and able to make wise choices (because doing otherwise isn't going to allow the child to be happy as an adult).

Your issue most likely is not with the goals, it is the means some parents use to achieve the goals.

One of my jobs was to teach my kids when what they thought they wanted in the moment was not going to help them achieve a longer term goal. We had lots of long conversations on those types of subjects. By the time they were teens I didn't have to "punish" them at all, just point out how their actions failed to align with their own goals. Even adults make poor choices that run counter to their own goals; it is a fact of life; but the idea is to continually try to do better. I felt it was my job to teach that to my kids, the process that is life.

I had the benefit of knowing my son was ASD, and having the insights from this forum on what was probably going on in his head. Your parents don't seem to have ever bridged that gap, and resorted to rules for lack of better options. Clearly that did not go well. It does not have to be that way; if a parent understands their child, they can usually "sell" them on the needed concepts.

Quote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Parents can NOT just go have a drink to make themselves feel better. You can't make smart and empathetic choices while drunk. Sure, I liked my time outs, but my kids learned to like theirs, too. The cool thing about using time outs as a discipline tool is that is less about punishment than it is about an opportunity to get your head on right. That works for both kids and adults.
Parents can have a drink after the kids to go bed, and quickly fall asleep to the sound of alcohol sloshing in their head, while kids miserably toss and turn for hours. The only thing I used my timeouts for was perfecting revenge plans, which included... that thing you asked me not to flippantly talk about.


My kids usually sleep better than I do and have for years. As for revenge plans ... my kids aren't you, because I am not like your parents.


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LEGOMOM
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14 Dec 2019, 12:07 pm

Hi. I think that you making your son clean up the mess that he made is a very good example of a “natural” consequence — something to be expected after a particular misbehavior. This is a very good way to manage the problem because it lets him know that you will not be picking up after him. Therefore, he knows that the next time he makes a mess, it will create additional work FOR HIM, not for you.

However, I would recommend that you try your best not to demonstrate your discomfort or anger with the situation. The purpose of this is to further let him know that his mess remains HIS problem in EVERY way: he must clean it and he must deal emotionally with it. Otherwise, it could be interpreted as him cleaning up to solve YOUR problem.

That being said, I realize the challenges this presents to you as someone on the Spectrum and that following this strategy may be easier said than done. Keep in mind, though, that your initial instinct to have him clean up the mess was right on point and give yourself credit for that.

Now, playing Devil’s advocate, it is always a good idea to reflect on whether your expectations of neatness from him — in general — are excessive for a teenager, or whether they are reasonable. I would say that in the instance you mentioned the expectation appears reasonable. Just something to keep in mind...

Best wishes.