Aspie1 wrote:
I'm sorry the OP feels put off by the responses, but she didn't make it easy to feel sympathetic for her, either. I, for once, never called her "horrible" or any other names. I just pointed out how lucky she is not to be as powerless as her son. Also, it's impossible to help both the OP and her son concurrently; their goals are different, if not contradictory. Otherwise, it's like rooting for both Washington Nationals and the Houston Astros.
That is the thing, if a parent is doing it right, their goals will NOT be that different from the child's.
Mutual goals:
- Having a happy child (happy children make a home warm and fun for the parents).
- Having a healthy child (kids don't like feeling unhealthy, although there is an inherent conflict between things that taste good and things that will help us feel good - - this is where patient communication from a parent can help a child)
- Having a child that can function effectively outside the home (for kids who like leaving the house, anyway; when they do leave they don't want conflicts with strangers or the environment anymore than the parents do)
- Having a child grow up self-sufficient and able to make wise choices (because doing otherwise isn't going to allow the child to be happy as an adult).
Your issue most likely is not with the goals, it is the means some parents use to achieve the goals.
One of my jobs was to teach my kids when what they thought they wanted in the moment was not going to help them achieve a longer term goal. We had lots of long conversations on those types of subjects. By the time they were teens I didn't have to "punish" them at all, just point out how their actions failed to align with their own goals. Even adults make poor choices that run counter to their own goals; it is a fact of life; but the idea is to continually try to do better. I felt it was my job to teach that to my kids, the process that is life.
I had the benefit of knowing my son was ASD, and having the insights from this forum on what was probably going on in his head. Your parents don't seem to have ever bridged that gap, and resorted to rules for lack of better options. Clearly that did not go well. It does not have to be that way; if a parent understands their child, they can usually "sell" them on the needed concepts.
Quote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Parents can NOT just go have a drink to make themselves feel better. You can't make smart and empathetic choices while drunk. Sure, I liked my time outs, but my kids learned to like theirs, too. The cool thing about using time outs as a discipline tool is that is less about punishment than it is about an opportunity to get your head on right. That works for both kids and adults.
Parents can have a drink after the kids to go bed, and quickly fall asleep to the sound of alcohol sloshing in their head, while kids miserably toss and turn for hours. The only thing I used
my timeouts for was perfecting revenge plans, which included... that thing you asked me not to flippantly talk about.
My kids usually sleep better than I do and have for years. As for revenge plans ... my kids aren't you, because I am not like your parents.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
31 Oct 2019, 3:12 pm
