Sometimes I view love as a cover up

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I can relate so much to what you wrote. I have also "discovered myself" so to speak in my 20s and suddenly realized i never voiced my unconventional needs and thoughts to my parents. I have always been a fearful child and always had the feeling of not being accepted by my Mother so i tried to please him a lot.
When they got angry at me for not inviting anyone to my birthday, or not having friends i used to think they were not my real parents and my real parents had died in a fire. I thought of imaginary mentors that help me when i'm scared or didn't know how to act around people. Self love never came to me from my Mother.

Just because someone, correct or wrongly, tells you that they "love" you or "care" about you, does not make their actions and statements justified or correct


"The path to hell is paved with good intentions"

I kinda relate. Me & my mom have always had problems getting along. I think part of the problem is that I have a lot of various mental & physical disabilities that noone fully understood or even was fully aware of. My parents knew since I was little that I had various problems & they suspected Aspergers & knew about some other things but they didn't know what to do about it. Me & mom had LOTS of fights since I was little & we both said & did majorly bad things during them. My mom's a teacher & mostly taught pre-K & she's good with kids including special needs 1s but she didn't know what the hell to do with me. I think part of the problem was that she was very burnt-out from skewl stuff when she got home & she just didn't have the patience to deal with someone demanding as me when she wasn't at work. She felt I was lazy & wanting to stay dependent on her & dad for the rest of my life. She threatened to kick me out alot since I was a teen when she would get mad at me but she never actually did. However in some ways she's done a lot more for me than most parents would for their kids including missing skewl to bring me to needed places after I became an adult cuz I cant drive, she paid for everything for me after I graduated high-skewl until I got on SSI at 20, she let me live with her & dad rent free & I didn't pay utilities & I only paid rent when I was working. I found trying to avoid my mom helped some like spending a lot of time in my room when we were both awake. I'm a loner & my hobbies have been things like TV, video-games, & computer stuff so it wasn't that hard for me to entertain myself in my room.

Me & mom tried to get me qualified for various benefits after I became an adult including housing but we had no clue how to navigate the system. Noone either wanted to nor was able to help or both other than me getting SSI & Medicaid. I moved out after I met my current girlfriend online. Like me she's also disabled but lived in a much more progressive state & she had family who knew more about navigating the system. Cass has more benefits than me including housing so I moved in with her. I know a little about how subsidized housing works & it can be a real pain to navigate with long waiting lists & things are probably getting worse under the Trump administration but subsidized housing exists for people like us. It's a matter of knowing how the navigate the system & willing to go through BS paperwork & waiting period. I wish you the best of luck with this & with your upcoming surgery.