How do you be friends with people?

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How do people be friends with each other? I never had a friend (prior to the one I have now) and I don't know how to be one. I ask people IRL and they say things and it eventually devolves into "I don't know!" I have another person that I could potentially be friends but, I just don't know how. All that ends up happening is me becoming an anxious mess cause I don't know what I'm doing. Any advice would be appreciated!

You need to share their values, their interests, and their economic status. You also need to excel at something that they are into (a sport, a talent, an art, a craft, et cetera) to earn their admiration. Good looks and personal hygiene are important, too. Show good humor and generosity. Be merciful to those less fortunate. Dress well.

When I was growing up, many of the people I developed friendships with had Aspie characteristics. It wasn't that we shared many interest in common but rather the following:

1. These Aspies or High Functioning Autistics did not have friends.
2. These individuals wanted to have friends.

When we became friends, we essentially began exploring the world together. We were braver than by ourselves and we challenged ourselves and ventured into new areas.

So I guess from my perspective, I would recommend that you seek out other Aspies or High Functioning Autistics or those individuals that exhibit Aspie traits and see if they might become you best friends.

Oh, I just let them walk all over me, that usually does the job

Seriously, I don't have a clue.

I appreciate the replies! jimmy m I like the way you go about making friends but, I would prefer that in a life partner. If I was going to learn and grow with someone it would be my partner.

Fnord I don't think I need to share all those things to be friends with someone. Maybe one or two but, all seems to me to be asking too much.

My biggest issue is boundaries. The big stuff(hitting, insults, etc.) are easy, it's the small stuff like things you do together, stuff you talk about, appropriate amount of time to spend with that person, those kinds of things. Also specifics of what activites cross into romantic or things you do with closer friends. I don't know where the boundary starts and stops(not even in general).

The more interests you share with others, the more likely you'll be friends with them, too.

I think figuring out what's the right amount of time to spend with someone is the hardest part. You have to give them enough space so that they don't get tired of you, but you also have to show enough interest in them so that they won't start thinking you don't care anymore. The trickiest part is that what's too much and what's too little is different for everyone.

For things you do together, well, I'd say that anything goes as long as it's legal and both like it. If those two conditions are filled then I'd say there's no way to go wrong, though finding out what the other person likes is the tricky part.
When you try to make friends, do you usually plan activities for you and that other person or do you let the possible friend do all the planning? If it's always you, make sure to ask what the other person would like to do. If you know some of their interests, you can try to pick a good activity based on those. But if you're the type to leave all the planning to the possible friends, stop that. Make sure that you also make the first move from time to time, suggest somewhere to go or that you could hang out. If you never make any suggestions, they might think you're just going along with theirs because you have nothing better to do/are too polite to refuse. If they're the ones who never make the first move, then it's highly likely they're expecting you to take the hint and leave them alone. They could also be socially awkward and not know how to make the first move, sure, but that's less likely.

As for stuff you talk about, I'd say the same two golden rules apply here too, though it's always trickier if there are more than two people. If you share a hobby with a potential friend, that's a safe topic to start about. Avoid talking about politics, religion or other subjects that you think might be sensitive, including anything that is a sore subject for you, unless you're ready for the risk that you'll lose all chances of being friends with the person.

I thought you were asking about make friends. Onto a different subject about life partners. I will tell you what worked for me. I am an extreme introvert. I married a woman who was an extreme extrovert. We pair up rather well in the sense that my strengths balance her weaknesses and her strengths balance my weaknesses. It is a Yin Yang marriage. Together we form a very strong whole much better than either of us could individually. I allow my wife to interpret society for me. It worked. We have been married for 45 years and have 2 children and 5 grandchildren.

But for life partners to work, they must have the same core values. So the comments by Fnord apply.

I was talking about making friends, I was saying that I found the way you were with your friends seemed too much of an investment to consider them just friends(but, I'm not sure.)

Thanks for the advice fireblossom. As for your question back then I would mostly let others plan stuff but, now I do it every once in a while it's just hard to figure out what to do in general. It is hard figuring out these things and many times if things don't go exactly like I thought or I feel I messed up I get anxious and panic. I guess it would be easier if there was like a "one size fits all" general threshold for boundaries and a general guideline in a detailed explanation of what friends expect from each other.

Take an interest in the lives of people (e.g. Ask how they are doing, any hobbies they have). Look for common interests because that will give you a discussions to talk about. For example, me and my friend both love sports so we spend a lot of time discussing that. Spend time hanging out with them so you can get to know them better. I know some aspies monopolize conversations with their special interest. Don't monopolize the conversation about your special interest unless the other person is interested in that topic. Lastly, make sure to give equal time between listen and speaking in conversation with them. Good luck!

Here's another thread where a few of us talked a bit about the ingredients of friendship.

Wait friends .. that word is still in usauge concerning Aspies . Looked everywhere . . STILL HUNTING FOR SUCH A ELUSIVE CREATURE...or reasonable facsimile thereof .

Unless you adapt to the expectations of society -- instead of waiting and expecting society to adapt to you -- you will remain relatively friendless for the rest of your life. This nonsense about "Refusing to Change" is antithetic to developing friendships.

Learn what the people you want as friends like, and at least pretend to like it, too. I learned all about the rules to professional sports ( ), just so I could hang around on weekends with some people I like. I don't have to like watching the games on TV, but I do like eating their food, drinking their beer, and talking with their families.

Besides "adapt to the expectations of society" and "waiting and expecting society to adapt to you", there is a third alternative: search for compatible people.

Of course one still needs to "adapt to the expectations of society" on the job and when dealing with authority figures. However, when seeking friends, it's more important to be genuine IMO. One still needs to be considerate towards one's friends, but I see no need to put up with arbitrary social conformity.


In my opinion, pretending to like things one does not actually like is exhausting and results in superficial connections at best. In my experience, deep friendships can arise only from genuine shared passions.


This is not something I would do. I wouldn't be hanging around with someone in the first place if we didn't have any actual shared interests.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 02 Oct 2019, 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

Just be nice to the person, give the person the benefit of the doubt, don't get too upset if the person has a different opinion from yours, show an interest in what the other person is saying....things like that.

Be there for the person if the other person is distressed about something. Seek to give decent to great advice.

Economic status: People are friends with those of different economic statuses all the time. The "same" economic status is not a prerequisite for friendship----that it does help with some people.

Shared interests: Yes, that's important

Political beliefs: Yes mostly....but not totally necessary. I have been friends with people of different political beliefs.

Philosophy of Life: Same as above----except I tend to value "philosophy of life" over "political beliefs."

Sounds like from the information I get I'm pretty much just going to have to roll the dice and hope what I do happens to work for people.

I mean being nice and considerate to people is good but, it just doesn't make friends(at least not by itself). It just gives me much anxiety cause I'm afraid of offending or doing something wrong. I wouldn't want to change myself(not a lot at least...) to be friends with people(Lord knows I do enough of that in my life, don't need more)!