Is it a myth or not that women dislike us?

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cberg
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10 Oct 2019, 12:55 pm

:(

It occurred to me that this thread was about guys like me whether I want to think about it or not. I was the subject before I posted here & it feels lousy.

No real debate here, only analysis.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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10 Oct 2019, 2:04 pm

You have to say, which woman

There are seven billion precious lil "people" in the world

Half of seven billion are women

Every woman likes different things

Autistic men have a competitive disadvantage at dating, than neurotypical men. All things equal. Which they are not



domineekee
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10 Oct 2019, 2:45 pm

cberg wrote:
domineekee wrote:
cberg wrote:
Well at this point I feel I've been stereotyped so frequently for long enough to decide not to trust anyone until they give me some valid reasons for it. It's not strictly about women at all, gender seems to make no difference, most people just ditch me without saying anything.

I'm not happy with the idea of constantly building new things for people who will never appreciate any of it. I'm out of touch with the rest of the human race & to be honest, that's how I'd rather be for the moment. I'm happier being invisible because frankly, guys emotions are 100% taboo & it's f*****g boring. I'm only ever shamed or ostracized for saying how I feel. It's practically criminalized.

Cberg, you want to make this thread all about you? OK then. ***NO***

As the saying goes, "if you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie", yet you wade right in at the start of the thread and condemn us all to eternal ostracism and symutaniosly stereotype every female NT.

You don't have a diagnoses, so how can you make gross generalisations about either group?

Yes, when you dump all your negativity some people will always rush in to pat your arse, but don't mistake that for a free pass to wallow, if you can't help it then try not to make a habit of talking down to people as you do so.


I have an ASD diagnosis. I'm not talking down to anyone in particular, I'm just saying I feel ignored & I don't feel valued. I'm not responsible for good things other people aren't doing.

You have a diagnosis, great, so you don't exist in a separate category of your own, can't presume that you are any weirder or more misunderstood than any other members here.

As someone who was unaware of AS for 46 years I can tell you that I never heard anyone being disparaging about autism. There is no widely held fixed opinion about us, we barely surface in people's consciousness. All the black and white thinking in regards to how we are perceived is symptomatic of our condition and if we go on to develop a persecution complex, it's on us, not "them". Surely it's more productive to own those feelings and try to work through in the haven than assume to know how the masses feel about us. Are we any good at identifying their emotions, even our own? It's not exactly our strong point.

Having a communication disorder, not being on the same page, or whatever you want to call it is not going to be an advantage as far as dating goes, that should be pretty obvious. Does it follow that "they" dislike us?



cberg
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10 Oct 2019, 3:01 pm

I'm inclined to agree with you, but this persecution complex idea doesn't account for any cultural differences between anyone. I'm quite familiar with the strawman that it's all in my head. This thread is not about me & it's not about NTs. It's about people's reactions to a condition they're usually not informed about. I'll always seem weird because I am, lest you think you're as weird as me, did you just spend 80% of your lifetime hacking? I live in a different system. I don't countenance your system & I'm not a willing participant in any society. I just like elegant mechanisms, that doesn't mean I'm part of any.


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10 Oct 2019, 3:03 pm

To answer the title of this thread... It is very hard to tell to be honest, as how would one really know? Put it this way. An allistic person could go through the same circumstance and be rejected as well, and some women may find the autistic person more interesting and attractive, while others won't.

One thing though is that the autistic man may struggle to know how to best approach a lady of the opposite sex. I can certainly come into this catagory even if I am found not to be autistic. The ties I have dated have been either the lady asking me out, or it just sort of happened where things started out as a friendship and esculated from there.


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domineekee
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10 Oct 2019, 3:35 pm

cberg wrote:
lest you think you're as weird as me, did you just spend 80% of your lifetime hacking? I live in a different system. I don't countenance your system & I'm not a willing participant in any society. I just like elegant mechanisms, that doesn't mean I'm part of any.

There you go again Cberg, thinking that you know other people's mind better than they do. I've just spent 7 days riding a bike non stop through 3 rainstorms as it happens, getting an average of 4.30 sleep per night, and used to do 18 hour stints of programming too.

You must be as wired as hell, but if romance was really that important to you, guess what? You would be pursuing that. So come on and get real, you would rather be hacking.

The thread is bound to be inconclusive, let's not live in an echo chamber. The more you put in the more you get out.



cberg
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10 Oct 2019, 4:12 pm

Actually the problem I've observed is that romance is drastically less important than sex to anyone I know. Dating outside my social circle doesn't disinterest me so much as I'm bad at making time for it. I'm also just really damn shy, it's a medical condition they tell me. It's not that women in general ignore me, but women who really know me do. Please don't stereotype me as a frigid robot man, just because I deal with code when I'd rather be on my bike like you does not mean I don't love anyone.

I have no clue if I'm loved back in any serious way & I know I'm rubbish at interpreting that, but why is it so beneath contempt for me to say how I feel?


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domineekee
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10 Oct 2019, 4:25 pm

cberg wrote:
I'm also just really damn shy, it's a medical condition they tell me.


I concede, that skewers things and we tend to miss opportunities. Showing interest and then not knowing how to follow it up is problematic too. I just don't buy into the idea that there is a general consensus against us.



cberg
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10 Oct 2019, 5:26 pm

I think people build up cognitive dissonance between us & them based on their expectations vs. our strange, distinctive realities.


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10 Oct 2019, 5:58 pm

cberg wrote:
I'm inclined to agree with you, but this persecution complex idea doesn't account for any cultural differences between anyone. I'm quite familiar with the strawman that it's all in my head. This thread is not about me & it's not about NTs. It's about people's reactions to a condition they're usually not informed about. I'll always seem weird because I am, lest you think you're as weird as me, did you just spend 80% of your lifetime hacking? I live in a different system. I don't countenance your system & I'm not a willing participant in any society. I just like elegant mechanisms, that doesn't mean I'm part of any.

Well written .... 8O


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11 Oct 2019, 6:22 am

cberg wrote:
I think people build up cognitive dissonance between us & them based on their expectations vs. our strange, distinctive realities.

I often wonder if my lack of close friends and difficulty finding someone was related to the fact I do not in any way fit into a neat stereotype. I was not a jock, not a geek, not a nerd, not a dork but was (and am) a mixture of all four. Maybe they saw my athletic build and were surprised by my nerdiness or maybe they liked my well written profile only to see how I play sports and am a hot head. Perhaps they thought I was a hot head and liked that yet saw how gentle I am with children?

I found it interesting that older or married women (usually with children) seemed to love me but in general the single women wouldn't give me the time of day.



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11 Oct 2019, 6:25 am

It’s because you look trustworthy and look like you wouldn’t take advantage of their daughters.

The same thing happened to me.



domineekee
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11 Oct 2019, 7:49 am

cberg wrote:
I think people build up cognitive dissonance between us & them based on their expectations vs. our strange, distinctive realities.

That doesn't stop some people being attracted to us, but it can lead to disappointment further down the line either during courtship or when in a relationship.
You often hear of people being attracted by our unique perspectives or "distinctive realities" as you put it and I bet a lot of us have received interest at some point but not known how to reciprocate, leaving the other party feeling awkward, or let down, we can work on that though.



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11 Oct 2019, 9:21 am

I would wager that some of you guys would not recognise that a girl was interested in you unless she did a lap dance with you adorned with flower stickers on her nip..s. I think that you need to start decoding women's verbal and non-verbal cues, and do what my aspie does which is match cues with an appropriate response and memorise them. invest all your resources in being better at reading the cues and asking questions , it's all about that. If you don't pick up a woman's flirting she will feel rejected and then it's all gone belly up. Bet you miss it all the time.


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11 Oct 2019, 10:13 am

Teach51 wrote:
I would wager that some of you guys would not recognise that a girl was interested in you unless she did a lap dance with you adorned with flower stickers on her nip..s. I think that you need to start decoding women's verbal and non-verbal cues, and do what my aspie does which is match cues with an appropriate response and memorise them. invest all your resources in being better at reading the cues and asking questions , it's all about that. If you don't pick up a woman's flirting she will feel rejected and then it's all gone belly up. Bet you miss it all the time.


I miss these subtle hints all the time. My Mum says "Didn't you notice that girl flirting with you?" I would be like "What girl? Where?" Then my Mum would say when it happened and say "She couldn't have made it more obvious if she tried!"


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11 Oct 2019, 10:16 am

Then ask your mum to explain to you what the signs of flirting really are.

I'll bet she can't.

Or won't.


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