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roronoa79
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11 Oct 2019, 1:31 pm

I've had an on-again-off-again crush on one of my friends for a few years now. We're very close and we've gotten closer more recently as she's been going through a very hard time but. It really sucks because I know that it very emphatically will never happen since she's a lesbian (among other reasons). I'm just trying and failing to move on but its hard when nobody else I know seems to compare for me and we already love each other platonically to begin with.
I just want to move past this because it's making me miserable and makes me worry that part of why I'm being so close and supportive is bc part of me wants it to go somewhere sigh...


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886
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11 Oct 2019, 6:25 pm

roronoa79 wrote:
that it very emphatically will never happen since she's a lesbian


Isn't this alone enough? That's strong evidence that you both can't be together and it can't possibly be because you aren't good enough for her.


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Juliette
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11 Oct 2019, 7:26 pm

There are some instances where cutting all ties in order to properly get over someone, is totally justified. I had to do so. Now, ten years later, I find myself able to be friends with that perosn, and we are now in a wonderful place ... could not possibly be better friends for one another, and with such a history and mutual respect, like no other. Time is a wonderful healer. It's very tough though. I remember grieving for a good while, initially, as to go on without that person in your life, can be pretty devastating. Looking back, it was simply what I needed to do, and I could never have imagined, that in the future it would have been so beneficial... Feel for you... truly do.



IsabellaLinton
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11 Oct 2019, 11:42 pm

I've only had relationships with three men, and all of them came out as gay. I have been in your shoes and I can empathise. The first broke my heart, the second made me angry (I felt disbelief that it happened again), and the third ... I'm still not over it 20 years after the fact. I loved him like no one else in my life, and I was devastated. Like Juliette said, it's possible to be platonic friends even when you love a person but can't have a romantic relationship. I've managed to maintain a best friendship with my third partner despite the initial pain. It takes time and only you will know your limits, but it can be done if you are really connected with that person. I wish you well, regardless of which decision you make.



shortfatbalduglyman
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12 Oct 2019, 7:45 am

Date someone else

Hobby



nick007
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12 Oct 2019, 8:06 am

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Date someone else

Hobby
That doesn't necessarily work if the crush turns into a special interest obsession. I have one on a celeb I don't even know. It's been going on maybe 10 years now. The crush on Miranda went away when I got my 2nd girlfriend but came rite back after my 2nd girlfriend broke up with me 6 months later. The crush obsession went away again for a year after I got my 3rd girlfriend which is still current girlfriend but the crush obsession on Miranda came back. I'm kinda obsessed with my current girlfriend & I love spending a lot of time with her but the crush on Miranda won't leave either. I can accept not having a romantic relationship with Miranda, I'd pick Cass over her in a second but I would still really LOVE to be part of Miranda's life somehow like as a friend in her inner circle. I have no clue how to make it happen thou :cry: Getting on OCD medication has helped my OCD but hasn't affected my obsession on Miranda at all & neither has getting on a lower dose of an antipsychotic. I can talk about this quite a while & talking doesn't get me anywhere either so I don't have a clue what else to do, I'm just f#cked. I'm kinda wondering if ECT would help but I cant get that either.


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Donald Morton
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12 Oct 2019, 8:19 am

I wish I knew. If only there were a pill or magic spell that could cure a broken heart. It's been five years since my breakup with a woman who still and will likely forever hold a place in my heart. The ache has lessened over the five years, but there is a fading hope that she will come back to me. My brain knows logically that we are finished, but my heart refuses to listen.


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12 Oct 2019, 8:20 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I've only had relationships with three men, and all of them came out as gay. I have been in your shoes and I can empathise. The first broke my heart, the second made me angry (I felt disbelief that it happened again), and the third ... I'm still not over it 20 years after the fact. I loved him like no one else in my life, and I was devastated. Like Juliette said, it's possible to be platonic friends even when you love a person but can't have a romantic relationship. I've managed to maintain a best friendship with my third partner despite the initial pain. It takes time and only you will know your limits, but it can be done if you are really connected with that person. I wish you well, regardless of which decision you make.

Oh no. It must be heartbreaking.


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12 Oct 2019, 1:07 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I've only had relationships with three men, and all of them came out as gay. I have been in your shoes and I can empathise. The first broke my heart, the second made me angry (I felt disbelief that it happened again), and the third ... I'm still not over it 20 years after the fact. I loved him like no one else in my life, and I was devastated. Like Juliette said, it's possible to be platonic friends even when you love a person but can't have a romantic relationship. I've managed to maintain a best friendship with my third partner despite the initial pain. It takes time and only you will know your limits, but it can be done if you are really connected with that person. I wish you well, regardless of which decision you make.


((((((Hugs Isabella))))) My heart truly goes out to you. Oh hun ...This happened to a very good friend of mine from school days. She fell heavily for a guy, who is a good friend of mine on FB, now. They were planning a life together, and she had relocated to be with him... He realised he was gay, and it broke her heart. She never married. I fell heavily for my first love, almost married him. He searched for me for decades, after I disappeared, then recently showed up after finding me on FB. I had clung to the memory of him for decades too .... He never married and wanted me back, but I'd have to return to Aus to be with him. Something I'm not prepared to do, especially since we are very different people now ... and I suspect he is now an alcoholic. The chemistry .... damn. Deep down, I doubt he has a faithful bone in his body ... ex Navy...



Raphael F
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12 Oct 2019, 2:02 pm

roronoa79 wrote:
she's been going through a very hard time ... part of me wants it to go somewhere, sigh...
Priority Number One is: Be there for a friend you care about. If you think you'd like to help her, and if it truly appears that you really can help her, then help her, for goodness' sake!

Your motivation is probably Priority Number Two, if not lower.

The outcome (e.g. far-fetched happy ending wherein she turns out to be pansexual or demiromantic or something, and thus you can live happily ever after, or at least enjoy a passionate whirlwind romance for a while; tell me that's never crossed your mind and I'll tell you you're deluded, my friend!) is Priority Number Three.

Priority Number One is: BE THERE FOR YOUR FRIEND. If it tears you apart, be there. She's your friend. If it scars you for life, be there. She's your friend. If it ultimately puts you in the mental hospital, so be it, but at least be there until the ambulance actually arrives. She's your friend.

Put her first. Because she's a friend. Right? Your motivation doesn't matter. The outcome doesn't matter. You have the rest of eternity to deal with those abstracts, AFTERWARDS. If she needs you right now, then just focus on being there.

Call me simplistic, but those are the rules I've always played by, and my conscience is clear even if my bank balance and my mental health record have taken some hits.


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Raphael F
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12 Oct 2019, 2:17 pm

Juliette wrote:
((((((Hugs Isabella))))) My heart truly goes out to you. Oh hun ...
Passionately agree but did not think it was my place to deviate from OP issue, least of all when you'd already come in on this one.


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12 Oct 2019, 2:22 pm

Agreed .... but I've had wine :) ... and I will support whoever I wish ... with respect to the OP regardless ... I"m human .... if I feel for someone and want to give them a hug, they shall receive one ... besides .... look at what happened in that OTHER thread ... I mean .... really :lol: ?!



Raphael F
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12 Oct 2019, 2:51 pm

Juliette wrote:
but I've had wine
Um. Slumped as I am in a deck chair in the very middle of the biggest glasshouse at Kew Gardens, I don't think I ought to be tossing pebbles in the general direction of your modest cucumber frame. And I'd probably miss anyway.

I was going to enquire what "other" thread you were referring to, but on reflection I think I'll probably enjoy the rest of my wine more if I don't know.


Juliette wrote:
if I feel for someone and want to give them a hug, they shall receive one
Strongly agree. And even in the morning when I'm sober, I'll still be passionately in favour of this kind of thing.

And I'll probably be able to type it correctly first time, without having to do quite so much backspacing and correcting...


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Raphael F
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12 Oct 2019, 2:52 pm

Plus that kind of support perhaps needed to come from a female, anyway. I think that was a part of my thinking. I wasn't quite so smashed, back then...


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Juliette
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12 Oct 2019, 4:07 pm

Raphael F wrote:
Juliette wrote:
but I've had wine
Um. Slumped as I am in a deck chair in the very middle of the biggest glasshouse at Kew Gardens, I don't think I ought to be tossing pebbles in the general direction of your modest cucumber frame. And I'd probably miss anyway.

I was going to enquire what "other" thread you were referring to, but on reflection I think I'll probably enjoy the rest of my wine more if I don't know.


Juliette wrote:
if I feel for someone and want to give them a hug, they shall receive one
Strongly agree. And even in the morning when I'm sober, I'll still be passionately in favour of this kind of thing.

And I'll probably be able to type it correctly first time, without having to do quite so much backspacing and correcting...


Kew Gardens .... haven't been there yet, but have heard about how amazing it is, and seen some interesting photos of buildings ... ... yes, enjoy the rest of your wine, maybe I'll tell you tomorrow .... maybe not 8) .