What aspects of social interaction are especially tiring?

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Lying in bed at night unable to sleep, reviewing which bits of the conversation might have gone badly in ways that I didn't realise at the time, why they might have gone wrong and how disastrous the consequences might be, and why I'm an idiot for not saying the thing that has now become incredibly clear would have been a much better thing to say... oh hang on; actually maybe it wouldn't have been such a good thing to say, because it was a bit like that other conversation I had 30 years ago that I think I might have managed to understand how it all went so wrong; the one with the person I only met once ever for about five seconds which...; oh hang on a moment; now that I think of it, I've realised that there's a whole different angle that I never looked at that one from before which..., dammit!, I based my analysis of dozens of other conversations on that example, too, so now I'll have to revisit those as well, and... ... ...

Oh, but then again, maybe scripting the conversations that I think I might be possibly maybe going have at some indeterminate point in the future with someone who I'm not sure who it will be yet is worse. Hmm, it's so hard to decide.

The constant necessary attempts to interpret what the other person means, what they really mean, as in, is there a subtext. Then what am I meant to do next if I narrow it down to an approximate understanding, how to respond the next time I encounter it.

Developing my own schemas for interpreting others while social blindspots and communication abilities trip me up. Then remembering what I've worked out from before... unfortunately this is most memorable when it comes from concrete experiences and the theories I have spent mental energy on usually escape me in the moment.

To unjumble my thoughts and communicate in the right order. Sometimes my sentences come out in disorganised segments and I dont notice it until someone else translates to others for me.

Figuring out interactions that I found confusing, or had triggered my sense of danger without knowing why. Was it a rational or irrational reaction that I had in my mind... melting head recipe.

I've given up on situations where I have to script on a personal level, I dont have the energy for it anymore.
I am perhaps disillusioned by how pointless it's all been in the past, as in, it hasn't had long term benefits despite the cost of the energy used.

Hardest things for me:

Speed. I wish it would all slow down by a massive amount, so I might be able to think of a response without pressure.

Unnecessary chat. I wish people would choose words carefully, say what they mean and only speak when they really have something to say worth hearing. Otherwise companionable silence is favourable.

Number of people around at once. The fewer the better.

Wishing that others liked interacting the way I do.

Feeling like no one else I come into contact with has the same natural social inclination as me and that I am destined to be a misunderstood loner until I die.

Small talk one on one.

Questions like
-How are you?
I have a really hard time understanding if it's a serious question or just a 'start conversation phrase'. And if it's a serious question I can hardly ever tell how I am. Is it strange to just be without having a mood?

Small talk in general - super boring, especially since I get the feeling the other person is feeling the same thing. So I'm trying my best to pretend enjoying the small talk in hope it will seem nicer to the other person.

Nightmare scenarios:
Running into someone after work in an unofficial setting. You see someone who only has a responsibility to be chatty with you because of their job (salesperson/teacher/doctor etc) in a situation where you need to 'say something', especially since you had a lot to talk about earlier

Talks in groups

I prefer this if it's in a structured way, as in breaks at work where everybody is there for a reason and no one is getting out. It also helps if other people do the talking (to each other).

Absolute nightmare scenario: You sit with a group of people in a official meeting and everyone need to say something about themselves. "Say 3 things about yourself" I shrink in these kind of situations even more than the one on one because I feel like I'm boring everyone and I need to say something interesting or funny. I normally get extreme panic attacks because of situations like these. I have been working on that issue for some time now and at least I'm getting somewhere.

And the eye contact thing. It's becoming a psychological thing for me now. I just don't know what to do with my eyes. I had this issue long before I knew anything about asperger. I notice that people stare at me a lot more than I can handle when they talk. It's intimate, almost like you were kissing the other person. It's very hard to follow what someone says if I look them in the eyes. It's the same when I'm talking, I prefer looking to the side and that helps me explain things better. I normally give about 2-3 seconds of eye contact 'just because'.

What aspects do you find tiring Mona?

1) What I find most stressful (hence tiring for that reason):

- Dealing with authority figures, of whatever kind, who don't yet know me, but who I need to make a good impression on in order to get something I need.
- Informal, unstructured conversations involving two or more other people besides me. (I'm better in either (1) one-on-one conversation or (2) highly-focused, structured discussions.)
- New, unfamiliar social settings of whatever kind.
- Anything that involves dressing up.

2) Not necessarily stressful, but otherwise extremely tiring:

- Anything that involves travel, other than just walking around my neighborhood.

3) Things I've long since banished from my life because I had found them to be off-the-charts stressful/tiring:

- Attempting to pass for "normal," e.g. attempting to imitate NT eye contact rhythms. (Instead, I've always tried to arrange my life so that, as much as possible, I'm around people who are relatively accepting of human variety. Living in a highly multicultural neighborhood helps.)
- Ritualized gift exchange. (Since age 20 or so, I've told everyone in my life that I want neither to give nor to receive gifts for holidays, birthdays, etc.)

4) New sources of stress, now that I have the goal of helping to build the autistic community:

- Getting to know enough people in the local autistic adult support groups well enough to make some real friends there. (This is taking longer than expected. Hopefully my forthcoming website will make it easier for other autistic adults around here to find friends.)
- Navigating the politics of the "autism community" (parents and professionals).

I'm really not great with social interaction, so it makes me exhausted many times but the most severe cases are talking to people, engaging in a conversation, making eye contact (really severe), asking for help and overall talking. I struggle with these greatly especially when I am talking to friends and family members, since I am sometimes unable to give a correct response and it just feels awkward, and I still cannot give direct eye contact since it's really distressing for me.

It doesn't help that this has happened sometimes when I am working in the charity shop, and customers have sometimes asked me for help and it really confuses me most times, leaving me to apologise and get the other staff for help instead, since while I like working there, social interaction with customers is not a strong point. It has also happened in therapy/counselling and various times in school/college when the staff engages in talks with me, really too tough and has never really gone well without help.

It's not a great part of me and I don't think it will ever get better for me, hoping it does but who knows.....

Having to pretend to be interested in what the other person is interested in.

What I find especially tiring are these people who overtalk constantly, and they talk about stuff other people usually are absolutely NOT interested in. Like really unimportant and boring stuff no one cares about or needs to hear.. I knew many people who did this, they talked for HOURS without letting ME talk for once, or even asking me a question about my life. It's absolutely awful, for me some of the worst experiences with people, cause they literally forced me to listen to them, cause I struggle say "no" or just end the conversation and go away. Even writing that down makes me freak-out again lol...

Groups can be very tiring as well, especially girlgroups. I can't stand girlgroups, cause the girls I met throughout my life were in most cases simply boring for me as well. I had nothing to talk with these individuals. And in groups, it is just horrific, it's all about trying to be part of it or trying to be cool and watching out to not say something wrong what I apperantly always do with girls lol. We just don't have the same humor.


It's less tiring for me when I'm less nervous and when I can talk with attractive people about things I am really interested in. Or if we do an activity at the same time I like to do. I have difficulties to just sit(and do nothing) and talking. This is very frightful for me.

most tiring:
Girls and women
boring people
Children
wrong groups
sometimes family

least tiring:
Guys I am interested in
intellectual people
calm adults
Groups I know I'm not being judged

"how would you change the ways that people interact":
Both have to ASK QUESTIONS and not being selfish by talking about yourself all the time. My problem is that I unfortunately can't talk if people don't ask me questions.

I just now posted a separate new thread How can we make social interaction less stressful / tiring? (in the Social Skills and Making Friends sub-forum) to talk about possible ways to alleviate (both on an individual level and on a group level) at least some of the issues that have been mentioned here in this thread.

To IsabellaLinton, lvpin, quaker, blackomen, darkwaver, MagicMeerkat, LunaticCentruroides, and Jon81: To various posts of yours, here in this thread, I've replied in the separate thread How can we make social interaction less stressful / tiring?