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Alexinwonderland
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21 Oct 2019, 7:36 am

Hi everyone,

I am a female and I work in a female dominated workplace. A lot of my colleagues openly make plans in front of me and don't invite me, this includes a hen night I wasn't invited to. Sometimes my boss makes plans for after work drinks and doesn't invite me either. I get along with all these people and we are always friendly towards one another but i am starting to feel like they are being fake nice towards me because they have to be. My interests as different from theirs as well- I love horror and metal music and I don't really fit in that sense but I am always friendly and polite to everybody. I am on one of the lowest wages in my work place (even though I'm one of the oldest) and can't really afford to attend work social events I believe an invite would be nice and for people to stop making plans in front of me and being open about their nights out in front of me as well. I feel really alone at work because I try my best to be friends with people but no one wants to be my friend and it's quite isolating. They are fake nice towards me because of my autism, this is how I am perceiving things now. I am more than my autism....



shortfatbalduglyman
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21 Oct 2019, 7:55 am

There are many things that are much worse than "fake nice"

Everyone can choose their own friends

It is not :skull: discrimination :heart:


If you ask if you can come, and they refuse, that's worse than nothing. If they take it, then what? Third wheel. Or it's just that one time.



(If you think this is a good idea) you could ask your boss or human resources for a raise and document your accomplishments. (This could be a bad idea.).



BTDT
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21 Oct 2019, 8:17 am

I don't see a problem with what they are doing.
You are older, have different interests, and can't afford to go.
Because of this they can't talk about having fun together after work?

I made the mistake of mentioning I went to a concert to someone my age.
Nearly everyone in attendance was half my age! I had a wonderful time!
Of course she had no idea who she was!



OutsideView
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21 Oct 2019, 10:50 am

Hey Alexinwonderland, swap "metal music" for "punk music" and take out "one of the oldest" and I could have written your post. I know just what you're saying and have never been able to figure out why. At one job I thought I was being left out because I was the newest until a few months later a new girl started and got included straight away. Sometimes it feels like you don't even exist.


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Fnord
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21 Oct 2019, 10:54 am

Possible solution: Say "Have fun!" with a smile whenever they start planning things in front of you. This is no guaranty, but they may either stop making plans in front of you or start suggesting that you join them.


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Alexinwonderland
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21 Oct 2019, 11:04 am

I said a few days ago, "where's my invite?" And she felt like she had to said I could come along, this was a flat warning she was having.



Fnord
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21 Oct 2019, 11:05 am

Heh-heh! Good one!


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— Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock, in the Star Trek
episode "The Mark of Gideon" (ep. 3-16, 1969)


Joe90
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21 Oct 2019, 5:48 pm

Been there and got the T-shirt.

Last Halloween there was a one-off event that I would have love to have gone to, but I didn't know about it until a group of people (a girl and 3 guys) were talking about it at work (they are all around my age). I said that I'd like to go to that as it sounded interesting to me, and each group that booked up together had to consist of 6 people. One of the guys was going to take his girlfriend, so that made it 5. I didn't like to sound too needy but I hinted enough that I was interested in this spooky Halloween event, so I thought they may ask me to go as the 6th person. But instead they asked this girl with Bipolar who I knew of long before any of them did, and they didn't even know her as well as they knew me - they only invited her because one of the guys had a crush on her, even though she wasn't Miss World and she had a boyfriend anyway.
They booked their tickets online right in front of me and was talking about their plans all the next week. I didn't let them know how left out I felt and I pretended like I wasn't too bothered by it, but inside I did feel depressed. It would have been nice for me to be first choice for once, and I know I would have loved it and we all would have had a great time, being so I got along with them well at work. But I don't think I would have been invited even if the Bipolar girl couldn't come. They probably would have asked someone else, anyone but me.
Anyway, their night didn't go that well because the Bipolar girl had a panic attack from sensory overload, and they had to exit halfway. I wouldn't have done that, because I am a thrill-seeker, and this event sounded really like my kind of thing.

The girl (not the Bipolar girl) and the 3 guys have been fishing together before too, and other things like that. This girl didn't know these guys until she started working with them, so it's not like she was friends with them before I came along. Luckily she doesn't work there any more and nobody mentions her, so I don't feel so left out any more.


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Joe90
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22 Oct 2019, 2:00 am

I can tell you another story, which was more hurtful than the one I posted earlier.

When I was 19 I had a group of peers who I thought were my friends at the time, and we often met up on Saturdays to hang out. And one Friday when I was on my way to the bus station after my volunteering job, I bumped into them. I hadn't seen them for about a month, so I asked how they were then asked if we could meet up on Saturday. But the 'dominant' one said they can't see me because they're all going to the movies together. I felt left out, because going to see a movie wasn't something you had to book beforehand, and also the movie theatre was in the same town where we always hung out, so they could have easily have said, "yeah, we're going to see a movie, would you like to come with us?"
I know you can't be invited to everything, but the way they said it made me feel unwanted and I realised that true friends wouldn't just leave you out like that. They were becoming rather bitchy anyway so it wasn't one of those situations where you're supposed to "read between the lines" and invite yourself along. She had that bitchy, smug look in her eyes.


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Fireblossom
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22 Oct 2019, 5:20 am

Since you're older they might automatically assume you aren't interested in hanging out with younger people in your free time. Also, have you tried to invite them somewhere? You could try it out.



SharonB
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22 Oct 2019, 6:52 am

I did the first part of an assessment yesterday and one question asked: do you wait to be invited. #1 that's a "girl" thing, #2 wouldn't anybody? Apparently not. Like you said, would I want to go?

My A-hole boss was boasting about this social work event and that. I thought (briefly) about would I ask to be invited, but I wouldn't want to, so instead said "I once went to … with …" in a pointed way and amazingly he's stopped doing that. I'm all for finding assertive ways to deal with these situations, but not so great at it myself. I think I would walk by your people and say "that sounds like so much fun! I wish it were my thing." And maybe like my boss they'd feel uncomfortable (like we do) and minimize it. Or at least you'd feel better for getting it off your chest and not being invisible.