I sometimes miss one of my ex-friends

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Marknis
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24 Oct 2019, 1:10 pm

I used to have a friend who was the first friend I made under my own initiative as an adult back in 2009 and that friendship lasted until 2013. She went from being sweet and supportive to callous and uncaring. She even exploited me for money, my car, and my PC which I didn’t pick up on until after she told me she didn’t like me. But during the times she was kind to me, she would hug me, hold my hand, and kiss my cheeks. She wouldn’t let things go further than that despite how she was in polyamorous relationships with both men and women. Even though she exploited me, I still miss the times she showed me physical affection. Maybe depression is distorting my outlook on this?

EDIT: I realize that this post is very distorted and it’s an attempt by my depressed mind to drag me back into the past.



kraftiekortie
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25 Oct 2019, 7:04 pm

I don't find this "distorted" all.

You're reflecting upon a friendship that was nice while it lasted.

I have had similar sorts of friendships.

It's probably good that you didn't get involved with her----because it seems like she "liked" too many people. I wouldn't have liked to have dated a polyamorous woman.



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25 Oct 2019, 8:10 pm

I am very attached to my friends, going back to preschool. I also live very much in the moment so am ready to embrace any of them upon reconnection. It's confusing to me when they are withdrawn. I just reconnected with a man who's last correspondence to me was a charred letter. I'm not sure whether to acknowledge it might be awkward for him, or just see how it goes. "Let bygones be bygones?" Did I spell that correctly: "bygone"? Reminds me of the word "goonie" for some reason.



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25 Oct 2019, 10:48 pm

You listed good and bad things about the friendship with her; that doesn't sound distorted to me!

It is likely (but not definite) your depression is pulling up the memories. It's not odd for us to recall in loneliness times when we felt not so. Which often then makes us feel more lonely, so it's okay to miss but better to not dwell.

When you think about the whole friendship you had with her, do you think you would want to be friends again with her?


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27 Oct 2019, 4:00 pm

Right now if someone showed me fake affection just to get something out of me, I would be very tempted to take it because I’m desperate for human contact. I would probably hate the person for using me though, more so than being down on myself.



Marknis
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27 Oct 2019, 8:38 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't find this "distorted" all.

You're reflecting upon a friendship that was nice while it lasted.

I have had similar sorts of friendships.

It's probably good that you didn't get involved with her----because it seems like she "liked" too many people. I wouldn't have liked to have dated a polyamorous woman.


She actually called me once just to tell me angrily that she couldn’t do anything romantic or sexual with me despite how she claimed her heart was “big”. Well, it wasn’t big enough to include me. She would sometimes tell me kiss and tell stories when she knew how depressed I was over being single and she got to where she said she didn’t support me in wanting a girlfriend. She basically wanted me to just “suck it up” like Luhluhluh tells me.



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28 Oct 2019, 7:52 am

Marknis wrote:
She actually called me once just to tell me angrily that she couldn’t do anything romantic or sexual with me despite how she claimed her heart was “big”. Well, it wasn’t big enough to include me. She would sometimes tell me kiss and tell stories when she knew how depressed I was over being single and she got to where she said she didn’t support me in wanting a girlfriend. She basically wanted me to just “suck it up” like Luhluhluh tells me.


FYI - According to letters written to me, I could be the person on the other side of this a bit. I have nothing by fond, loving memories for my past guy friends, but they wrote how I was cruel --- similarly to what you said above. They felt used by me (in my mind I was so vulnerable to the world and needed lots of support). My long-term boyfriend said he wanted to be loved but that I was someone "searching". I think of myself as the most feeling, caring person yet apparently I can come off as completely callous (and, yes, apparently "heartless"). Three men wrote how weird it was that I cut them off (when they confronted me about some issues, it hurt so much!! !! !! !! !!) Perhaps this is why the NT man I married is "insensitive" (his style is avoidance) and our relationship works relatively well. I am flying high ("overly" sensitive) and he is the Earth (ground).



kraftiekortie
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28 Oct 2019, 7:57 am

It’s probably good that you’re not hanging out with this person now.



Marknis
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28 Oct 2019, 11:49 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
It’s probably good that you’re not hanging out with this person now.


If I had a better friendship network at the time and saw through what she was doing, I would’ve decided to end things instead of her cutting me off. She actually tried to introduce me to her friends and the interaction I had with one went okay but my anxiety and shyness sabotaged things. The other friend she introduced me to, however, didn’t seem to like me. She glared at me and didn’t like it when I said something so I think she may have been a man hating type of feminist.



Marknis
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28 Oct 2019, 4:03 pm

SharonB wrote:
Marknis wrote:
She actually called me once just to tell me angrily that she couldn’t do anything romantic or sexual with me despite how she claimed her heart was “big”. Well, it wasn’t big enough to include me. She would sometimes tell me kiss and tell stories when she knew how depressed I was over being single and she got to where she said she didn’t support me in wanting a girlfriend. She basically wanted me to just “suck it up” like Luhluhluh tells me.


FYI - According to letters written to me, I could be the person on the other side of this a bit. I have nothing by fond, loving memories for my past guy friends, but they wrote how I was cruel --- similarly to what you said above. They felt used by me (in my mind I was so vulnerable to the world and needed lots of support). My long-term boyfriend said he wanted to be loved but that I was someone "searching". I think of myself as the most feeling, caring person yet apparently I can come off as completely callous (and, yes, apparently "heartless"). Three men wrote how weird it was that I cut them off (when they confronted me about some issues, it hurt so much!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !) Perhaps this is why the NT man I married is "insensitive" (his style is avoidance) and our relationship works relatively well. I am flying high ("overly" sensitive) and he is the Earth (ground).


I keep hitting dead ends trying to approach this post.



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28 Oct 2019, 7:03 pm

Marknis wrote:
I used to have a friend who was the first friend I made under my own initiative as an adult back in 2009 and that friendship lasted until 2013. She went from being sweet and supportive to callous and uncaring. She even exploited me for money, my car, and my PC which I didn’t pick up on until after she told me she didn’t like me. But during the times she was kind to me, she would hug me, hold my hand, and kiss my cheeks. She wouldn’t let things go further than that despite how she was in polyamorous relationships with both men and women. Even though she exploited me, I still miss the times she showed me physical affection. Maybe depression is distorting my outlook on this?

EDIT: I realize that this post is very distorted and it’s an attempt by my depressed mind to drag me back into the past.


Your friend doesn't sound bad or a person that would exploit another person. You said you were friends so her asking for rides or borrowing money or your computer doesn't sound like something out of the ordinary(unless she was actually doing malicious things with that).

Most people don't just go from sweet and supportive to callous and uncaring out of the blue like that, it could be possible she was going through something and just didn't tell you about it. She was also holding your hand, kissing you, and hugging you, so I doubt she was exploting you. She might've not known what she wanted(considering her bring polyamorous) and found someone she liked and had to just give up on some friendships(a natural thing, nothing personally against you).

I'm just saying what you thought was callous and uncaring could possibly not have been bad but just circumstances that caused you two to just drift apart(also natural and not necessarily a bad thing). Sounds like she has given you a positive thing in your life and I would hold on to that and have hope in finding it again, I'm sure she would wish the same.


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28 Oct 2019, 7:39 pm

Thanks for the response in any case. Sorry my post is obtuse. It's me wrestling with the fact that my guy friends perceived me differently than I would ever have expected or intended. Your person is a different person than me, but it struck me as uncanny that what you wrote about her is near EXACTLY what was written to me by one guy friend (including the "you say you're 'angry'") and similar to what the other two wrote. It is raw and jaw dropping to me that I felt rejected by them, but they all felt rejected by me. (At least it was mutual :roll: ). I recently reconnected (minimally) with two but can't find the third. For my part, I have amends to make...

Ironically, in that same letter, my guy friend wrote a description of me that pretty much matches the DSM-5 for ASD. LOL. Then he apologized for being an "armchair" psychologist.



Marknis
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28 Oct 2019, 7:53 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I used to have a friend who was the first friend I made under my own initiative as an adult back in 2009 and that friendship lasted until 2013. She went from being sweet and supportive to callous and uncaring. She even exploited me for money, my car, and my PC which I didn’t pick up on until after she told me she didn’t like me. But during the times she was kind to me, she would hug me, hold my hand, and kiss my cheeks. She wouldn’t let things go further than that despite how she was in polyamorous relationships with both men and women. Even though she exploited me, I still miss the times she showed me physical affection. Maybe depression is distorting my outlook on this?

EDIT: I realize that this post is very distorted and it’s an attempt by my depressed mind to drag me back into the past.


Your friend doesn't sound bad or a person that would exploit another person. You said you were friends so her asking for rides or borrowing money or your computer doesn't sound like something out of the ordinary(unless she was actually doing malicious things with that).

Most people don't just go from sweet and supportive to callous and uncaring out of the blue like that, it could be possible she was going through something and just didn't tell you about it. She was also holding your hand, kissing you, and hugging you, so I doubt she was exploting you. She might've not known what she wanted(considering her bring polyamorous) and found someone she liked and had to just give up on some friendships(a natural thing, nothing personally against you).

I'm just saying what you thought was callous and uncaring could possibly not have been bad but just circumstances that caused you two to just drift apart(also natural and not necessarily a bad thing). Sounds like she has given you a positive thing in your life and I would hold on to that and have hope in finding it again, I'm sure she would wish the same.


Well, I later learned from another person that this ex-friend stalked her sexually and cut ties from her after she married a man so there was a side to her that she kept hidden from me.
She would also sometimes call me just to chastise and browbeat me about my character, especially the day she told me she couldn’t do anything romantic or sexual with me despite claiming she had such a “big heart”. She also never paid me back for the things she made me buy her despite her claiming she would.

When she told she didn’t like me and that she wasn’t my friend over the phone the day she cut things off with me, she asked me if I had anything to say but I was shell shocked by what she said that I could barely speak. I tried to say something and she snarled “Well, that was quiet.” I told her I wanted things to end and she replied “Ok. I wish you well.” but I quickly told her I couldn’t do the same for her and hung up. I don’t know where she is now and if I did run into her, I would probably suffer an anxiety attack. I am still anxious and shy (Things she saw as flaws in me) so I fear what she would tell me.



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28 Oct 2019, 7:55 pm

I'm glad you're rid of her; she was really rather a b***h.



Marknis
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28 Oct 2019, 7:59 pm

SharonB wrote:
Thanks for the response in any case. Sorry my post is obtuse. It's me wrestling with the fact that my guy friends perceived me differently than I would ever have expected or intended. Your person is a different person than me, but it struck me as uncanny that what you wrote about her is near EXACTLY what was written to me by one guy friend (including the "you say you're 'angry'") and similar to what the other two wrote. It is raw and jaw dropping to me that I felt rejected by them, but they all felt rejected by me. (At least it was mutual :roll: ). I recently reconnected (minimally) with two but can't find the third. For my part, I have amends to make...

Ironically, in that same letter, my guy friend wrote a description of me that pretty much matches the DSM-5 for ASD. LOL. Then he apologized for being an "armchair" psychologist.


I doubt we would be able to make amends for each other. When she told me “I don’t like you!” and “I am not your friend!”, those felt like words of finality.

Thinking of all these things is giving me an anxiety attack.



Marknis
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28 Oct 2019, 8:03 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm glad you're rid of her; she was really rather a b***h.


She even once wanted me to drive her somewhere to meet her ‘sex friends’ even though she knew I was unhappy being locked out of the sex positive scene she was a part of and she almost made me drive her to a lesbian party where she intended on having sex while I would essentially just sit around for a whole day and night.