Sorry no one got back to you. Yes. Often. I go back and forth between wondering why I'm alive and feeling a need to DO something to deserve to be alive. I'm not suicidal in the least, but I do hope that all of the pain that I've gone through in life is for some greater good that makes it worth it. Like if I make the world a better place for other people than I'll be OK having struggled through my life to the point where I do whatever makes the world better.
Does that make sense?
I feel a need to fulfill some greater destiny than simply surviving until death. If that's all there is, I'll take the check now, please, and be on my way. But if there is indeed some thing that I can point to and say, "This. This act that I did made the world a better place, and is enough to make me feel glad I am alive" than I'll be happy with that.
It's all deeply wrapped-up in my religious upbringing and the spirituality that I adhere to. I was always taught that God made me exactly as I should be in order to fulfill His plan for my life. But, OK, is His plan really for me to get up and go to work everyday and come home and eat dinner and go to bed and do it all again tomorrow? It's not enough for me to be happy with myself. It's not 'worth it.' I want more.
So, yes, existential crisis is something I live with all the time.
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You don't need to hide, my friend, for I am just like you.
03 Nov 2019, 2:00 am
mantra:. " Here and now". 
