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Nikkijasminetea
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08 Nov 2019, 5:40 am

My boyfriend has aspergers and I do love him...a lot.I'm neurotypical- although I do have ADHD and OCD. I know a lot about low functioning autism ( since in the past I wanted to become a special needs teacher with those with low functioning) but what I should know about aspergers? I am trying to learn about it. What should I do when he has outbursts? :heart:



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08 Nov 2019, 6:03 am

Hello and welcome to Wrong Planet.

What kind of outbursts does he have? How long do they last? What does he do during an outburst.

It is likely that what you are calling an outburst, here in English we would call it a meltdown.


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08 Nov 2019, 6:16 am

Welcome to WP!

I do not know your husband's experience with the condition and diagnosis, but that said I can share my personal experience.

I am in my late 40s and getting diagnosed and I realized I could/can not articulate what was/is going on for me and am often feel frustrated and shameful rather than helping myself or getting help. The shame or frustration triggers or exacerbates my meltdowns/outbursts.

So I often I know exactly how to behave but I can't get there. That is so frustrating. I know when my husband calls at the last minute (when he said he was going to have dinner on the table) to say "I'm late", I would like to say "Ok, I'll get dinner going and look forward to your arrival." Mostly I become mute (and seemingly disapproving) or else I yell, and sometimes cry... b/c making dinner on short notice is REALLY daunting for me. I mean I could do it, if I FOCUSED, but it would take sooooo much energy. That's embarrassing. So going forward, to avoid my "disapproving" mutism/outburst, I'd like to try explaining a bit more "I know [this 'right' thing], however am feeling [this overwhelm], I will try [this small thing]." At least to start...

Good book (perhaps, I haven't finished it): Self Reg.

My biggest advice to you: have understanding for his outburst (yes, it's stressful for you when I make a sudden change) and also kindly demand respect for yourself (and it's stressful for me when you yell; can we reduce your stress... and mine?)



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08 Nov 2019, 2:07 pm

Welcome to wp and I am so glad you want to learn. When he is in a space where he can communicate with you, ask him what causes his outbursts and what you should do to help. He should be able to tell you as long as you are not trying to ask in the moment of the actual outburst. These outbursts, called meltdowns, happen when we are completely overwhelmed so what we need is neurological calming. We need stimuli to be decreased and we need to be able to feel safe. We can't control the neurological outburst so you if you can just provide a safe environment and then an environment geared towards calm and recovery, that is best. He can tell you what would specifically help him but he can only tell you at a different time, not when it is actually happening.


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08 Nov 2019, 7:41 pm

Nikkijasminetea wrote:
What should I do when he has outbursts? :heart:


De-escalate is the best thing that comes to my mind. When I'm having an anxiety attack personally I prefer to be around people who can keep calm and help the situation. Some people in my life would prefer to get mad or emotional and start yelling, and that is going to make the situation ten times worse.


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aquafelix
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08 Nov 2019, 8:47 pm

Hi, Welcome.

I noticed that you say you have ADHD and OCD which indicates that you are probably neurodiverse (don't have a typical neurology) yourself (I'm wondering if you want to reconsider identifying yourself as neurotypical). I'm just noting this cause there is a lot of advise out there on ASD - NT relationships which may not apply to your situation. You probably have more in common with you partner than the average NT woman.



Nikkijasminetea
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09 Nov 2019, 5:28 am

Hey,

Sorry I meant meltdown. Well two nights ago,we were coming home. My boyfriend started to get upset at a stranger behind us. My boyfriend had problems with guys in his peer group. And he started to yell that this guy was jealous of him.I was upset because this guy said nothing to us.



Nikkijasminetea
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09 Nov 2019, 2:45 pm

I’m a Canadian living in Sweden. My boyfriend is Swedish and I’m trying to figure him out. I want him to succeed but it’s been hard. I see him get really emotional. He is super smart, funny and loving. But I also can see he lets a lot of things get to him.



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09 Nov 2019, 5:13 pm

Nikkijasminetea wrote:
I’m a Canadian living in Sweden. My boyfriend is Swedish and I’m trying to figure him out. I want him to succeed but it’s been hard. I see him get really emotional. He is super smart, funny and loving. But I also can see he lets a lot of things get to him.

I'm right there with your BF on that (similar personality). Did I mention the book "Self Reg" already? It's all about reducing stress. More importantly AS folks need to recognizing when stress is increasing in order to take action or ask for help before meltdown. For me my embarrassment makes the meltdown that much worse. My therapist recommended a code word I could use to notify my partner that I'm near meltdown to help me reduce stress, but of course I have yet to use it b/c I think: "I'm stressed, but not much, I'm stressed a bit more, but not too much …. uh, oh---" MELTDOWN. Perhaps after he is calm he can think about what the trigger was and if there had been a point beforehand that could have reduced the stress and how.



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11 Nov 2019, 10:17 am

In starting to learn about Aspergers you might want to look at some of the videos by Tony Attwood. Also there is a free pdf booklet "Aspergers - An Intentional Life".

http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf