A new self, whoever they are

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This is an issue I wanted to get off my mind and perhaps find some solidarity in.

I was born male and never gave it a second thought for most of my life. Recently, though, I realised at least a small level of discomfort in it when considering the growing trend of putting one's pronouns in social media bios. This is something I fully support doing, however, I found that for some reason, broadcasting to the world that I wanted to be considered a "he" felt uncomfortable to me. I started thinking about why that might be. In doing so, I also found that other standard displays of masculinity, such as being shirtless (I have long since stopped going swimming on the grounds that wearing only trunks seems to be mandatory) and having facial and body hair, were also things I found uncomfortable. Tentatively, I started referring to myself as a "they" while I figured myself out, though never requested that anyone else do so and to this day have my bios without pronouns, despite agreeing with the practice.

A few weeks ago, a thought popped into my head that I hadn't allowed myself to think before. It started as a thought of simply growing my hair out once I leave home, but developed into an interest in having a different identity: a female one. This was a perculiar feeling; simultaneously, it was something I never expected I would ever think, and yet familiar, as though I had always thought it. At this time, this was something I considered only as a temporary thing, an identity I could put on once or twice and go back to normal afterwards. It was most definitely stronger than simply crossdressing though; convincing people was a big part of the appeal of it. Ever since, my thoughts have been near-constantly occupied by this identity.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a frustrated and self-loathing person. I have often got mad at and even hit myself, which has always been dismissed by my family as simply an autistic trait and they have long since given up trying to stop it. However, this female identity seemed to represent a different part of myself. This version of me didn't get mad at themself and certainly wouldn't self-harm. In fact, they were quite different from how I thought I was altogether. They were outgoing and eager to show affection and appreciation towards their friends, while I have always struggled to express myself. They had a clear sense of fashion and an interest in vigilantly maintaining their appearance, while I always thought I was indifferent to it. Above all else, they understood their emotions and were not afraid to show them.

These qualities I decided to adopt. While still very much myself physically, emotionally I decided to go out "as her," with a tiny allusion to how I visualised her by a small change to my hairstyle. Doing this had a near-overnight change on my mindset and I badly wish I had done it much sooner. At this stage, I can hardly believe the way I used to think; the anger, the hitting, the inability to express myself, the inexplicable self-loathing, all of those qualities that seemed to define me seem foriegn now. It has been over two weeks since I last wanted to hurt myself and frankly I am proud of that. As good as this was, though, the gender-related element of it continued to gnaw at me. What did it mean?

I explored the character in the safest way I could: drawing her. I'm not brilliant at it, but I enjoy doing cutesy cartoons, and that's just what I did: two cartoonish drawings, one my current, male-presenting self, the other this enigmatic female one. It felt liberating. Importantly, she was not simply myself dressed up, she was anatomically female as well, and that seemed to have a strange appeal to me. I found myself oddly jealous of this silly, little caricature. That made me start to think: did part of me, long-repressed, wish I were female? The idea shook me. I respected trans people and supported friends who were, but it always felt like an "other people" issue, not something that applied to me. Now, I thought I was starting to understand how they felt.

Evidence of it began to build up. I'd noted a feeling of jealousy towards women in the past, but dismissed it as me being petty and absurd. When I'd realised I was romantically attracted to men, it seemed to give me licence to be less masculine, and I had savoured that. A while ago, a formal letter seemingly addressed to me had 'Ms' before my name instead of 'Mr,' (it actually turned out to be to my mother and they didn't know her name) and I found a strange enjoyment in the 'mistake.' Having been slightly overweight since turning a teenager, I had never felt uncomfortable with not having a completely flat chest, unlike my stomach, and part of me has almost identified with it. Being called "handsome" never really meant anything to me, but I was enthused by the prospect of being considered "cute" and "pretty." As a young kid, I'd asked for (and, surprisingly, got) a baby doll and a dolls' house. I'd never understood the way most men seemed to think (especially in regards to relationships), but seemed to relate to how a lot of women did. While some of this is stereotypical, things like these went through my mind constantly, and I began to seriously think... was I?

Recently, my university course had a trip, and on it, I got to spend a large amount of time with three female friends. It felt oddly validating, allowing me to feel 'less male,' in a strange way. I was constantly aware, though, that I looked and sounded different to how they did, and part of me wished I didn't. I also felt rotten when I wasn't able to participate in their conversations, not yet knowing much about hair styling and not wanting to think back to my school days while they discussed theirs. For that time, I was almost certain that this was what my mind must want, and that scared me.

My thoughts on the matter keep changing constantly. At times, I believe it so deeply that I completely break down, while at others, I find it ridiculous that I even considered it. When I'm feeling it strongly, I feel stupid for feeling that way; I don't deserve to think this, having lived as a male for so long, I'll think, I couldn't possibly present that way, looking and sounding so naturally masculine, I can't let my family down by changing myself, I shouldn't have let myself start thinking about it in the first place and need to find a way to go back to normal, and so on. When I'm having doubts, I feel I couldn't commit to such a huge change and would regret it later if I went through with it. I'm ashamed to say that at times, I've even thought that my Asperger's might invalidate all this and it's simply a symptom of me thinking "the wrong way." My mind is a constant mess on the subject, cycling through these same things endlessly every day.

All I know is that this is an issue that continues to impact my thoughts and behaviour. I very recently named the persona and started using her name to refer to myself privately as something of a comfort. I've started trying to talk less deeply than I do by default and have found myself more comfortable with my voice when I can manage it. I'm letting my hair grow more than usual and am enjoying looking slightly less male. And of course, my mindset has changed dramatically for the better. I don't know how I'm going to make sense of this long-term, but it feels like a positive in my life and I need to keep pursuing it. One way or another, it feels like a path towards a better me.

To anyone who reads this: thank you so much for listening

Do you want to go the "full nine yards?"

Do you want to become a woman?

I don't mean that in a bad way.

I mean... my post was to say I don't know what I want and am still making sense of my mind. Do I wish I were going through all the expensive and gruelling transition procedures? Probably not. Do I wish I'd been born that way instead of how I was? Sometimes, yes.

It's a difficult thing to know when you've never known any life experience besides your own. I certainly have felt unhappy with having such a masculine body (I have naturally broad shoulders, for instance), meaning I could never look quite how I wish. As for all the anatomical specifics? I'll never know since you can hardly just 'try it on,' but I think I can live with how I am in that regard.

I empathise a good deal with what you wrote, and I also want to say that your ahead of me, I only recently realised that how I felt could be along the lines of LGBT thing, since I always thought it was an others thing. In my case, I thought hard about trans, since creating a female version of myself helped me with some things, but I am currently resting on Non-Binary. I have that female inner self as opposed to the guy I have always presented as, even if never really gone for manly despite being able tease my brother over a better beard, and I recognise the male side too. I consider myself to have both, and thus kind of neither.

Granted, I have barely done anything to explore my feminine side in expression, just some products to help my face, a decision to grow out my hair a bit, and secretly bought pink socks that I can wear without people really being able to comment on. Small stuff, and I do swap between being sure in this new identity, and other times where I think that I was just being silly, and from what I have seen, apparently a lot of trans people have the same experience, been among the memes I have seen on the traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns - Reddit, maybe check some of it out?

A channel I found particularly fond of is Contrapoints, who does a lot of relevant topics, and she herself is trans, starting out seeing themselves as just a crossdresser. I believe her video on dysphoria was set right in the middle of transition of presenting male and presenting female.


And just want to leave on a few notes that you do not need to appear strongly as the gender you identify as or have the usually genitals, you are still valid.

Hi. It was nice to hear your story! I'm glad this stuff has helped you make sense of yourself.

It means a lot to me that you consider me valid. NB is also what I've been starting to consider myself lately, though I'm still not too sure of anything. Having only realised gender identity issues affect me recently, I definitely need to look into this stuff more, so thanks so much for the link! I'd definitely like to engage more with the theory and community surrounding these issues.

I'm currently trying to use the positive attributes of this persona to my advantage. People have commented that I seem different lately, and I certainly feel it. I'm almost like a new person. None of how I've been acting has felt forced or unnatural to me; it's all felt like a true expression of myself. It's helped me tackle challenges more constructively, connect to friends more and make sense of my emotions. Continuing to gnaw at me, though, is that I don't look how I feel.

I haven't started changing my appearance too much yet, but I can't deny a longing to. Socks, as you mentioned, would perhaps be a good way of doing so covertly, but I do really want to get some facial products and change my hair as well. I feel a bit out of my depth, having not taken an interest in any of this for most of my life, and asking people I know for advice would certainly be tricky, given the sensitivity of the matter. I'm hopeful that, one way or another, I can manage to find an identity and an appearance that feels like "me."

Thanks again for your response! I wish you all the best.

P.S. I'm not sure if anyone knows, but is there a way to change one's gender label for this forum? I'm not sure how comfortable I am having 'male' stamped next to everything I say here, but I haven't been able to find a way to change it in my profile settings.
EDIT: I checked out what the options are by going to the page for setting up a new account, and it seems only 'male' and 'female' are available; there doesn't seem to even be a 'prefer not to say.' That and the lack of an option to change it are quite concerning for a site with an LGBT section imo, so hopefully that's changed sooner or later.