story:Medication, no medication, wildlife, and a conclusion!

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jordanalmokdad
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Location: england, around trees and near river

26 Nov 2019, 1:27 am

this post is backwards, back to front, inside out, upside down, in a loop, not in order and not all of it will be clear or sync with other posts that cross link with what i'm talking about but tried to explain the best i could. i talk about myself a lot in this post and i, to some extent, use compassion for myself to view from the outside what has happened to explain and doing that is usually out of my nature actually, but had to release it somehow. it feels right to put whats going on into words, review it and let go of it or converse it, even though i haven't and can't reply to replies at this point in my life for a few reasons... but i do read them and acknowledge them...

i was put on Quatiapine (anti-psychotic) earlier this year. the Quatiapine introduced me to a world of memories, in my head, short term memories and memories from much earlier. before then i didn't have any kind of memory recall... internally that is. i was just internally present and in sync with myself. the quatiapine made me tired and internal, suddenly my mind was one step ahead of me and one step behind me, egotistically planning how i'd act and talk to someone, though it always failed in a sense that i'd approach someone with my practised 'alter ego' and quite quickly it would die. this is out of my nature. i've always been internal in how i perceive the world around me. i was always too overwhelmed to talk, in the sense that i was always very aware of my surroundings. when i was put on quatiapine, the awareness of my surroundings was possibly becoming manic and was altering my words and i had begun hearing external auditory voice a bit before then, but when they first started, i enjoyed them. i would visually create characters and manipulate the external voices to make them say things i wanted them to say, so i made scripts and spent hours hearing different voices with created characters. i actually went to another planet called 'planet nuba' at one point and stayed there for months. it consisted of sandy beaches, pyramids, a robot, an alien. by the end of the script, planet nuba was bombed by an army of foreign extra terrestrials. i wasn't aware at the time that this wasn't my usual way of thinking. i think in imagery but didn't usually think in audio-imagery. so it was a clash of thinking styles. when i went to the mental hospital in February 2019, at night i was hearing several voices in my head and was seeing flashes of light outside of my head in my room, that was beyond my control. i was actually on Risperidone at this point, not Quatiapine. when i told them what happened, they changed the medication to a higher dosage of Risperidone. maybe my expectations for medication is to high but i was aware that i wasn't in the usual state that i'm usually in... the lights were becoming more bright, which is known to me, but they weren't just becoming more bright, they were becoming viscous (thicker) and red-er (kind of like external hell.) and slower. i was processing the world around me slower than usual. i started vomiting everyday.

so the above paragraph is kind of an outline of what happened during first-time medication. i was put on Quatiapine a few weeks or months later.

three days ago i decided not to take my medication... suddenly, my mind became clearer, i was talking more, to myself that is, which for me is a healthy thing to do sometimes, rather than keeping things in my head, i had way more energy, the world around me became less foggy, everything around me was crystal clear, my ego disappeared, i was living in the pure, crystal clear present... for the first time in ages! the first morning after not taking medication, i woke up and i was surrounded by light static and a man was stood over me surrounded by smoke. it dissapeared and i moved on. i decided to walk into town one nights ago after not taking my medication for three days, the first time in a close to a year, with my musical instruments and a bottle of whisky. i never usually drink alcohol but actually, it was alright! i didn't plan, i just did it... and it was the BEST night in my life, ever, on my own...

i bought a chop suey from a Chinese takeaway and i went to a local park. after the first ten minutes sat in the park, talking to myself out loud, a baby fox walked up to me! i thought it was a dog at first... but it was in fact a beautiful baby fox. it walked up to me. i thought it was going to bight me. i stayed calm and friendly. this to me indicated that if one remains calm and friendly in this life, that nature will come to you and welcome you. obviously if i was an angry shouty person, the fox would have ran away. here is a picture i found of the internet that almost identically resembled the fox that came up to me.

Image

it sniffed around my musical equipment and my food. so i got all the pieces of meat in the chop suey, dried it with my shirt, assuming that soy sauce in chop suey would be bad for it, and blew on it to cool it down and fed this beautiful fox. twenty minutes later, "is that a cat or another fox in the distance" i thought to myself... IT WAS A CAT! so the cat walked into the space i was in. the fox and cat looked weary of each other but then the cat ran to me and the fox carried on eating. i stroked the cat. it was a beautiful black and white friendly cat. with the plastic tub i had the chop suey in, i put water in it from the nearby pond and the fox drank the water and the cat ate the left over onion and pepper mixture on the floor. i was in pure 'no medication, crystal clear, content with myself' heaven surrounded by two beautiful animals that i was feeding and giving them water. at this moment, i was no longer in hatred of myself. i was on my own, like usual, but very quickly accepted that this is just who i am.

so i played music on my guitar and sang some songs for a bit for the animals. then the fox calmly moved on and the cat stayed. i stroked the cat for a bit and then moved on but promised the cat i'd bring it cat food every week, which i will. i went to a different location.

so i went to town at 10ish and left town at 3 in the morning.

moving on a bit...

so it's around three a clock in the morning on this beautiful night. everything is significant but the night is not yet complete. i walked home, without thought. the night came to me, i didn't go to the night. suddenly i see a pigeon on the path. it is dying and it is tired. its head is laying on the ground. and it can't move. i became manic and panicked. so i went to a nearby restaurant, threw out a large plant out its large plant pot, kept a bit of soil in the plant pot, and put loads of leaves in it. i saw a kebab box. the nearby restaurant had a tap so costumers could give there dog water. i filled the kebab box with water and tried to feed the bird. it was too tired to do so. so i picked up the pigeon and put it in the plant pot. rapped the pigeon with my t shirt, my shirt and put my long jacket on top of the plant pot so it was dark for the pigeon, so it didn't die from shock. i had a guitar on me, so it was impossible for me to take the pigeon home with my stuff. i ran to the local supermarket, two minutes away, put a £1 in the trolley thingy and put the pigeon in the plant pot in the trolley and my guitar and my backpack. i said to the nearby security camera "i am saving a pigeon. i will bring this trolley back tomorow. unless you want to phone the RSPCA (animal rescue.) with all your profits?" no reply from the security camera, it kind of just stared at me motionlessly, lol, so...

...i took the pigeon home in the trolley, with my guitar and backpack. my home is twenty minutes away from where i was.

when i got home i put the pigeon in a large box, with leaves, and wrapped it in clothes so it was warm and put some paper over the box so it was dark.. the pigeon looked at me with a "i'm terrified of you but thanks" kinda look, maybe. i fed it electrolyte water (cup of warm water, pinch of salt, pinch of sugar.) and put that water into a olive jar lid and it drank it but then fell asleep.

the story from here is now moving from subject from pigeon to medication again... the story of the pigeon will return... hear me out...

so i have spurts of active talking to myself out loud, clear mind, living in pure crystal clear present and spurts of introverting things, more introverting things than active talking to myself out loud.

when i got home my mum was awake. upon reflection, she looked exhausted. at the time i couldn't focus on anything but the beautiful night and the pigeon and just 'stream of conscious-ed' my night to mum, pacing from up stairs to down, manically talking. at this point, i have never felt more sane and rationale and i was definitely external from myself. my mum said "your words are not making sense, you haven't took your medication, i'm worried." etc... my soul literally left my body. for once in ages i felt sane, rational and clear minded but she thought the complete opposite. we extensively talked and argued a bit. time skipped and it was suddenly eight in the morning. i begun crying manically, looking for my medication. i was suddenly afraid of the state i was in and was contemplating weather the fox and cat was real or just a hallucination and i was afraid of my night, unsure weather it was a dream, nightmare, weather it was all in my head or it just didn't happen. i suddenly became my greatest fear. i took my medication then i manically laughed for an hour then fell asleep.

an adult services, education health care plan worked was arriving at two. this meeting with them was the final chance for me to explain myself so i could go back into college, because the head teacher at my college thinks i need support. it went terribly. i woke up ten minutes to two, frozen, wordless and anxious. when the health care plan worker arrived to the house, i walked down stairs and said to her "i never asked for support. my mums an evil witch who manipulates what i say.", correlating to what had happened in the morning with the pigeon and manic talking, etc, when i thought i was sane and she thought i was insane. i love my mum dearly and this was the wrong thing to say to them. i walked out and checked on the pigeon. the pigeon was dead. i shed some tears and walked back into the room and said to the education health care worker "the pigeon is dead. good bye." so, i'm pretty sure that i'm not going to get back into college now. the pigeon is still in my room looked peaceful. R.I.P.

so when i took the medication that morning, i became lethargic, slow and tired again. i'm kind of contemplating now weather the psychiatrist that prescribed the medication just didn't like me, didn't like what i said or acted or maybe i have an ego imbalance and don't know which part of me is me o if i just don't know how i'm meant to 'act' for people or weather its a masking thing, in the sense that out of fear i mask, so that was amybe amplified by the medication and when i went of them, i lost my mask and was present. for once in ages i accepted myself and talked, yes manically, but talked never the less and it wasn't accepted by my mum... took the medication, became tired and slow and un-conformable. dr taylor the psychiatrist recons i need to keep taking the medication till the getting back into college thing is over and til i am in college for a few months... but i had more energy and was clearer and more approachable by animals when i didn't take the medication... though mum thought the opposite... if i wasn't put on the medication in the first place, teachers wouldn't have thought that i needed support, so i'm lost and confused...

i believe medication is a farce, a lie and not needed and is more harmful than helpful...



Last edited by jordanalmokdad on 26 Nov 2019, 2:10 am, edited 4 times in total.

jordanalmokdad
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

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Joined: 1 Nov 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 411
Location: england, around trees and near river

26 Nov 2019, 1:58 am

in my perspective it is significant but it's possible that i'm over analysing it...

what are other members experience taking medication then going of it suddenly?